Moving On

I've moved! Thanks for supporting me in this writing endeavor these past five years! If you would like to continue following me, you can do so at: elizabethstamp.wordpress.com. 

Gravity

Confession: I have always wanted to be a dancer. I wish I could dance like the elf in Rudolf wishes he could be a dentist. But, alas, my awkward clumsiness will always be a hindrance to that dream. So, instead, I indulge in watching other people dance. (Which, I guess, could be another confession of its own.) I would be the first to admit that I know nothing about dance save what they tell me on TV. That being said, one of my favorite performances (on TV) ever would be this one:

I knows it's a little out-dated, but I love this song. I love the emotion it communicates and I love the movements this dance contributes to its message. A portion of the song goes like this:

Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free,
Leave me be.
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I get it. I totally identify with these words. But, you know, something I realized as I was listening to the song this week is that, unlike the narrator (speaker? singer?), I do not struggle alone.

What I realized is that, without God, the situation is bleak. The speaker in this song is pleading with her oppressor to let her go while relying on her own will and strength- which, as the song states, is fragile- to break free. What a huge, impossible burden to carry! What I find when I read Scripture, though, is that we who suffer temptation do not suffer alone. We have a Savior sympathetic to our weaknesses and a God powerful enough to completely free us. The promise of freedom is sweet to the ears of any stuck in the "gravity" of sin. But what's the catch? What do we have to do to find such release? I think that Paul gives us an answer in Ephesians 6, when he says:

     Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

My friends, we are not just fighting our own wills; we are fighting powers of darkness! And they are strong! Though we are to arm ourselves, Paul does not say to go swinging your sword in the devil's face. Doing so is like trying to fight off a bouncer with a plastic knife. We may get a few cuts in, but really our efforts are useless. Though Paul does not command us to fight, he does tell us to stand. In fact, he says it twice (which makes it doubley important, right?) We are to stand firm, not in our own strength, as in the song, but in the strength and might of the Lord. That is where freedom is found. The war has been won. Victory belongs to God. He is our refuge, our ever-present help in time of need.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. -1 Corinthians 10:13

I Used To Be a Pit Girl

I used to be a pit girl. I've kept it quiet for a long time, because I've been scared of what those who have never been in a pit may say or think. But for the sake of other pit people, it's time to come clean, because I know what it is like to find yourself in a pit and fear that you are all alone and that no one understands. So, for those of you who have never found yourself in a pit, I praise God for the testimony of faithfulness you have to the Lord. Thank you. For those of you who have since been rescued from the pit, I celebrate with you the victory you have found in Jesus as I hope you do with me. And for those of you who may still currently find yourself in a pit, I offer you encouragement that you are not alone. Though you may feel like you are, don't believe the lies that the enemy whispers to you. There are many of us who have been pulled up from the pit, and there is hope available for you, too. My heart aches in telling you that it may take reaching the lowest point of your pit to find rescue, but it is there for you, and when you finally find it, it is beautiful and redeeming, and I can't wait to rejoice with you as well! This is for you.

 

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Before my pit days, I was a confident Christian. I was a spiritual leader and I enjoyed hearing what the Lord had to share with me. But very suddenly, all of that changed. I couldn't tell you exactly how or why, but it did. I began struggling with sin and doubt that have never had a place in my life before. I became distracted by other voices and before I knew it, I was digging myself into a pit, and I didn't know how exactly to put down the shovel.

Sometimes, I was ok with my pit-digging. It really wasn't a pit at the time; it was just a small hole. I enjoyed the release from trying so hard to be good. I liked getting a little dirty. But a lot of times, I was ashamed. I knew that I was being hypocritical. I was professing to live a clean life. I sang songs and prayed prayers and taught Scripture. No one knew I was digging myself a pit. But I knew. And God knew. And that was enough.

I knew that I was stuck, that I needed to get out, and that God was my only hope of doing so. But how could I face Him when I had completely rebelled and then lied about it to other people? I tried my hardest to make myself presentable enough to ask for His help. I tried to wipe off the dirt from my hands, but all I had available was my shirt. I tucked back the wisps of hair that had pulled themselves from my ponytail in all the strain and sweat. I even tried to pack down some of the dirt I had dug loose so I could stand a little taller in my pit, not so far down. I thought that, if I could show God how I was already working on getting myself out and making myself clean again, I would be a little more deserving of His help. But my denial of my current circumstances would not allow me to admit my need for complete rescue. So, I kept digging.

Soon, it began getting dark in my pit. As I dug deeper and deeper, it became harder for me to see the top. It was lonely and quiet in my pit, so I began to pay more attention to the words in my head than to the Words of the Father. These words told me I was hopeless. That I was not worthy of rescue. That this was my identity now; I had forfeited any other identity I once held. I was now a forever pit girl. And I believed them, because I had dug so far down, I could not hear anything else. So I kept digging. For three years, filled with fear and guilt and doubt, I kept digging.

And then, finally, I hit the bottom. I had not before realized the beauty of rock bottom, though, at the time, it only looked like despair. I put my shovel down for a rest. I had every intention of picking it back up again, but for the moment, I stopped to reflect at how far I had come. I strained my aching neck to arch upward, squinting to make out the top of my pit, now just a speck of light. And I realized in that moment, that though the words in my head told me that I could stop digging whenever I wanted and pull myself out, they were wrong. In fact, everything they had told me-about my circumstances, about myself, about God- had been wrong. I had been deceived. I looked down at my hands: the skin raw, bleeding, and blistered. I took notice of the stiff pain in my arms, my hunched back and my sore shoulders which I had grown so accustomed to. The words in my head told me this is where I belonged, that this is what I deserved. And they were right, because I'm the one who dug the pit in the first place. But I remembered life before the pit, and I longed to be back where I was before. I used to think that if I could prove to God that I was worthy of rescuing, then I could ask for help. But there, at the bottom of the pit, I knew that there was no amount of good  I could do to could earn my rescue. So I did the only thing I could: I cried out to the Lord.

My voice was weak and shaky; it had been so long since I had used it. But He heard me. He heard my cry as I explained to Him my condition. He already knew the state I was in, but it was important for me to hear it myself. And as I admitted that I needed Him to rescue me from this pit that I was dying in, I saw it: the rope fell from the top of the pit right to where I was at to lift me out. Though my muscles were weak and my fingers swollen, I clung tightly to that rope, because I knew that this was my escape. I didn't know how deep my pit was until I was pulled back up through it, and as I was pulled closer and closer to the top, I found myself shielding my eyes from the light. I had grown so accustomed to the darkness at the bottom of my pit. Finally, I collapsed onto the cool, soft grass of level ground. There was clean air and wide open space and sunshine! Oh, the sunshine! I was finally free from my pit.

And this would have been enough, to just lie there at the edge of my pit, knowing that I was rescued undeservingly. But He did not leave me there raw and injured. Treating me with the gentlest care, He carried me back home, where He wiped away all of the dirt that was caked over my skin. He bandaged my blisters and massaged my sore muscles. He cut away the tattered fabric that had stuck itself to my body with sweat and dried blood and dressed me in new, better clothes. He combed through all the matted tangles of my hair and let me rest in His lap. And all the while, He never mentioned my pit. We both knew from where I came. There was no need to speak of it right now. Instead, He sang to me. He sang songs of healing and love and grace, and I finally found the satisfaction I had been seeking for so long.

I used to be a pit girl. Every once in awhile, I still hear the words in my head telling me to pick up a shovel again and dig a new pit. And sometimes, their words are so enticing that I almost believe them. But then I look at my hands and the scars and callouses that are left from my former pit days, and I remember that though that was my past, it is not my identity. I am a pit girl no longer.



http://cavenow.com/category/private/

He brought me up from a desolate pit, out of the muddy clay, and set my feet on a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. -Psalm 40:2-3

The Prayer of a Broken Heart

God,

My stomach churns at the thought of approaching You, because I know my sin, I despise my sin, yet I return to my sin as a dog returns to its vomit. And I keep coming back here hoping to find immediate release and freedom, but I think what I've actually been searching for is a clear conscience, not a clean heart.

God, I'm reading through Leviticus about all of the sacrifices that were made for sin, and I can't help but think, "If only there was something I could do, a sacrifice I could make, then all would be better and I would be forgiven." But You punished Israel's constant rebellion mixed with nonchalant ritualism, and as for me, the sacrifice has already been paid. The sacrifice has already been paid!

Even for these sins? Even for these broken commitments and false promises? Surely not, God. Surely, You only redeemed the life before I knew You. Now I am on my own, because now I know better.

God, I have forgotten Your gospel and grown numb to Your grace.

Help me, Lord. This is my honest prayer. Not some empty words strung together to try and win back Your affection; this is my prayer. Preach to me again Your gospel. Teach me how to live by grace. Break my bones and sing to me the soothing song of Your healing.

"Create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, so that sinners will turn back to you. Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, you who are God my Savior, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare Your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart You, God, will not despise." (from Psalm 51)

Deep Dark Fears

I read this post this week about comics that this guy does of "Deep Dark Fears." The pictures and ideas of gouged out eye balls and cut off fingers are enough to make you cringe. Something that most people don't know about me is that I struggle with fear. It's actually a more recent struggle and I'm not sure why it has waited until now to manifest, but sometimes it's so overwhelming, it makes me physically sick. My mind gets so full of... stuff... thoughts... that I have to audibly argue myself out of thinking those things that are not true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Phil. 4:8). But sometimes fighting becomes so hard that fear starts to slip in and take over.

http://deep-dark-fears.tumblr.com/

Some of my fears are silly, like being attacked by a bird while walking to class or dropping a hot iron on my bare feet. Some of my fears are a little more serious, but I think are relatable, like the fear of being alone, fear of making the wrong choices, fear of failure. Some of my fears, though, have been so ridiculous, so outrageous, and yet so crippling to my spirit. I fear finding out I can't have children or falling into depression after I do have children. I fear losing my ability to make rational decisions and going insane. I fear getting in a car accident, so much so that I consistently have nightmares about it. I fear going to sleep because then I can't control what my mind thinks about or what fears will manifest in my dreams. Fear has consumed my life! It suffocates me. It burdens me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It reminds me that I have no control and tells me that I will not be prepared for what may come. It busies my mind with what-if's. It steals attention away from joy and hope and gives it to anxiety and despair. I see my fear, and I recognize how irrational most of it is, how unhealthy it is, and I wonder how in the world I'm supposed to overcome it.

This year, in an effort to act less like a lazy bum, I've tried (tried being the operative word) to learn how to run. My routine consists of alternating between walking a quarter of a mile and then running the next quarter. Today, while on one of my walking-quarters, I thought about how much determination it takes to exercise. Even when you feel like giving up, you have to be willing to push further. You have to fight to keep going.

I do not possess this quality. (Actually, I think my exact thought this morning was "I would never make it on 'Biggest Loser.'") Exhaustion always does me in. When I don't feel like running anymore, I quit. When my mind becomes full of "stuff" and "thoughts," too often I give up and give in. But what does that leave me other than defeated? I think that what I've learned... what I'm learning is that I have to fight. I HAVE to fight! But how? What defense to I have against such strong, lethal weapons as fear and worry? Actually, I have the best defense ever. I have Truth. I have The Truth.

So what do I do when anxiety attacks? Well, there are several things:

1. I pray. I ask God to block such fears from entering my mind and poisoning my thoughts. I ask Him to fill me instead with His Word and His Spirit, which bring hope and joy and love and peace.

2. I speak truth. Sometimes I speak out loud. I repeat God's breathed-words. I tell myself to pause and consider what I know is true, not necessarily what I feel may be true.

3. I listen to truth. Sometimes I just have to pop in my ear buds and listening to edifying music, music that proclaims truth. I also take time to consider the truth which I have been taught in the past, whether through reading God's Word or through someone else's teaching.

4. I stop focusing on myself. When I think about myself, my circumstances, my future, then fear of the unknown, of the uncontrollable, starts to take over. So I force my attention toward the Lord, to what I know about His character, and to loving His people.

4. I drink tea. This has no spiritual significance. I just really like tea. It's like aromatic heart-warming calmness in a cup.

I know that am far from winning the battle over my fear. Even as I write this, I fight the urge to give in to my anxiety. But as I learn better how to rely on and depend on truth, I trust the Lord to bring victory. Even if it doesn't come as quickly as I want it to, I know that I must keep fighting. I cannot give up. I can't afford to give up.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" -Psalm 56:3-4

"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid." -Psalm 118:6

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control." -2 Timothy 1:7

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." -1 John 4:18

Moses and Me



http://pastoreid.com/category/sermons/

I was about to start my sophomore year in high school when God called me (to what... I haven't quite figured out yet). I grew up going to church and God saved me at a young age, but it wasn't until high school that I began to pursue the relationship I had with Him. And then, the summer after my freshman year, we went to youth camp. Yes, of all places to totally change my life, God chose youth camp. Every night after the evening worship service, there was a time of invitation. Kids came to know the Lord for the first time or rededicate their lives to Him or deal with some situation or sin in their lives. And after all that, they always gave an invitation that I thought was kind of strange for a youth camp where most of the kids didn't know Jesus at all: they gave an invitation to commit yourself to "vocational ministry" (basically, to become a pastor or missionary).

Though I had toyed with the idea of serving on the mission field, it wasn't something that I seriously considered. But, in that moment of invitation, something weird happened. I say weird because I don't know how else to explain it. It was like my heart was in my throat and in my stomach at the same time. I could feel my face getting all red and flushed. I am not typically driven by my emotions. I try to conduct myself through reason and logic. But this... this was different. I was physically burdened with the knowledge that I needed to respond. But I couldn't. How could I? I'm not made for mission work! I can't build relationships with strangers, let alone strangers in another country! So I fought it. I stayed, butt glued to the seat, head down, hands clenched, denying what I knew I was supposed to do. I went through the entire week of camp like this. There were things to distract me: games, break out sessions, time with friends... but I always came back to this moment every night. And then the last night of camp, as I braced myself to fight off what I knew was coming, I realized... "Elizabeth, if you want to continue in a right relationship with the Lord, you cannot ignore His calling!" So, against everything in me, with incredible fear, I stood up. I just stood up. That's all it took. And in that moment, I knew that I was not the commander of my own destiny anymore.

Why is this important? Because  yesterday I had my first freak-out of the semester. It usually happens at least once every semester that I panic and seriously question the choices I've made to pursue a calling I'm not equipped for. And yesterday, the first day of class, was that day.

Before yesterday, I had no interest in my international church planting class whatsoever (probably because I don't understand church planting). But listening my professor speak made me really excited to learn from him this semester. And then he began recounting stories of God's work through different missionaries and telling us how we should already be preparing for cross-cultural work now. As he continued teaching, fear started filling my mind. I thought, "Elizabeth, you fool! What in the world are you doing? You're not built for this kind of work! You're not a people person. You're not a language learner. You struggle and stumble over words all the time. You don't even openly share your faith with the people around you right now! Why have you invested all of this time into studying for something you can never succeed in?" There I was, sitting in class, questioning the direction I had chosen to take, all the decisions I had made to study and pursue what I thought was right, and then, my professor said what I've heard so many times before: "God does not call the equipped; He equips those He calls." And I thought, "You know, that sounds really good, and I'm sure that there's some biblical truth to it, but right now, I don't just feel ill-equipped, I feel inadequate and unqualified. I'm not a super Christian. I'm not even a good Christian. I'm just a selfish human being." When I got home that night, I thought through it all again, and how silly I must be to think I could ever do what I felt called to. "Lord," I prayed, "I will never be a Moses." And then I thought about Moses...

Moses. Who led the people of Israel out of Egypt and to the Promised Land. Who brought the law down from the mountain top and manna down from heaven, who had such an intimate relationship with God that his physical person was changed. Moses. He is someone who accomplished great things for God! And yet... this was the same Moses that killed a man and ran away to the wilderness to become a shepherd. The same man with a speaking problem. The same man who gave God excuse after excuse, reason after reason, why he was the wrong choice to lead the people of Israel. And then I realized... I'm exactly like Moses. (well... no, not exactly like him. God has not called me to lead a giant people.) I understand what it is like to question God's call. I sympathize with a speaking problem. I have sin that tarnishes my past as well. This great hero of the faith was just a man.

Moses said to the Lord, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to Your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue." The Lord said to him, :Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." But Moses said, "O, Lord, please send someone else to do it." -Exodus 4:10-13

I still fear what it is God is calling me to do. I have no idea what my future will look like. But I do know that God is good. And though I don't feel equipped, I know that I am called. If the Lord had called me any other way, I would have doubted it. And as terrifying and uncomfortable as it all is, it's also beautiful knowing that any success or victory that I have is not mine but the Lord's.

Freedom from Shame

Most, I would assume, are familiar with the story of the Samaritan woman, so I'm not going to summarize it for you. If you aren't familiar with it or need a refresher, you're going to have to go back and read it yourself. There's a ton of interesting tid-bits to gain from this pericope (It's pronounced per-ick-oh-pee. Thank you, seminary.) For example, Jesus spoke with a woman. This isn't the first time or the last time Jesus involved women in His ministry, and John records many of the accounts of Jesus' interaction with women. I have to confess that, as a Christian woman, I'm sometimes embarrassed about how we reach out to other women. We've created this subculture of women's study Bibles (what is that?) and ladies' teas where we talk about "taming the tongue" and understanding our emotions. I don't think these things are inherently bad, but I do wish we valued the theological training of women a little more. And though I tend to roll my eyes at such events and curriculum, I appreciate the effort to teach Christian women how to be Christian women, because it's not easy. We live in a culture that says that men and women should play the same roles in the home, in the workplace, and in the church. And we read a Bible that says that women should submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22) and not have authority over men (1 Timothy 2:12). What are we to believe? (note: As Christians, our final authority is always Scripture.) People often attack Christianity for not valuing women, and I don't deny that historically women have been treated unfairly. However, what I see in this story is a Savior who is concerned for and who takes time to care for a woman, against the social laws of the time. Though we may play different roles (I absolutely believe this is God's intention), God values both man and woman, and His care for the "weaker sex" can be seen even in asking this particular woman for a drink.

Also, I love what happens later in the chapter after the woman runs into town to tell everyone that she's met the Messiah. John says that many came to know Jesus, and they said to the woman, "we no longer believe just because of what you have said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world" (v.42). Wooh! Praise the Lord! Reading that just makes me want to stand up and do a little jig! I just think this is such a beautiful picture for us of what missions should look like. The woman went into the town, telling everyone about the man who changed her life, but she also brought them to where they could meet Him for themselves, and then their lives were changed, too! How stinkin' cool! As excited and encouraged as I become reading about Jesus talking with this woman and about the rest of the town coming to know Jesus as well, I think the most valuable thing I took away from my study was about shame.

This woman knew shame. Like, she knew shame. What we know about the Samaritan woman from her conversation with Jesus is that she was living with a man she was not married to, and that she had previously been married to five other men. Not only was she a woman, socially inferior to man, and not only was she a Samaritan, a "half-breed" looked down upon by Jews, she was also an adulterer, rejected by her own community. She was so covered in shame that she came to draw water from the community well in the middle of the day so as not to have to face the looks and whispers from others. So imagine her shock when a Jewish man asks her for a drink! Jesus uses this moment at the well to begin talking about the water that He can give her, much better and greater than the water she is drawing from Jacob's well. But what this woman doesn't understand is that Jesus isn't really talking about water anymore. Jesus says to her, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up into eternal life" (v.13-14). That's some pretty powerful stuff! And although the woman doesn't truly understand Jesus' meaning, what she does understand is that she won't have to return to this well in shame anymore. She says, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water" (v.15). For the Samaritan woman, the solution to her shame was to stay hidden. If Jesus would just give her this water, she would never have to leave her home to travel to this well again. She wouldn't have to face the judging stares and sneers of others, she wouldn't have to face the humiliation of the choices she had made. She would be free! Or would she be?

How often do I handle my sin and shame the same way? If I could just find a way to avoid it, to stuff it in the corner, to hide from it, then all will be better. Out of sight, out of mind, right? But I know better than that. Sweeping the dirt under the rug does not make the floor clean, as much as I want it to. But Jesus wasn't trying to give her a carpet to sweep her shame under. He wanted to sweep that shame right out of the door! And that is exactly what happened. This woman didn't run back into hiding after she met with Jesus. She ran into town, telling the very people she was previously ashamed to face about the man who changed her life. This is freedom in Christ!

So what does this mean for me? Well, I think it means I need to pick up the rug I've been piling my shame under. I need to bring all my dirt to feet of God. Hebrews 4 says that, because we have such a High Priest as Jesus, we can come boldly to the throne of grace, and that there we will find grace and mercy in our time of need. Though it's difficult to admit, I tend to identify more with Jonah, who ran and hid at the bottom of a ship when he disobeyed God, or with David, who thought that, after killing Uriah, no one would discover his secret sin with Bathsheba. But true freedom comes not in hiding or running away from or covering up my secrets but in exposing them before a holy God and humbly accepting the cup of grace He has offered me. So, shame, be gone! You are no longer my master. You no longer direct my steps. I have accepted a drink from the Savior and my life now overflows with grace and peace and freedom. He has made my life full, and you, o shame, have no home here in my heart!

The Lies We Believe

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like lately social media has been buzzing with articles with opinions and advice about relationships. A recently popular article, written by a woman in her mid-twenties, describes the frustrations of young singles everywhere who feel pressured to move on to the next big thing. I must admit that I appreciated the honesty of this article in articulating what apparently millions of people are going through. However, I think that many people who shared the article did so pointing a finger at those pressuring them without considering the three fingers pointed back at themselves. Yes, perhaps people need to realize that the things they say, even jokingly, can cause pain and anxiety. But I can say for myself, reading this article made it very easy to become more bitter and frustrated with those situations and people that I feel pressure me instead of working on my own attitude toward my current circumstances.

So, I've decided to write something a little different than what I usually do. Instead of sharing what I'm learning about my relationship with God, I want to share with you what I have learned about relationships with other people. I have to admit that my relationship experience is severely lacking. And by that, I mean I have none. That's right. I'm in my early/mid twenties, and I've never been in a relationship. But that doesn't mean I haven't learned a few things. I have learned so much that is so relevant to those who feel inadequate, incomplete or under pressure without a significant other. Yes, people say things that make us feel bad, but we choose to believe things about relationships that just aren't true! We need to carefully evaluate what we think about relationships, separate the truths from the lies, and do some major readjustments in our attitudes. So here is a list of the lies we believe about relationships and what we need to do to change our thinking:

Lie #1: God will give you the desires of your heart.
Ok, so this is kind of biblical, but perhaps not in the way I've heard it applied. I cannot tell you how many times someone has told me that, if I want a family someday, God will give it to me. But I can tell you there are plenty of things that I desire in my heart that do not align with what God wants.

What needs to change: Delight in God. When I delight in something, when I enjoy it and take pleasure in it, it becomes my desire. When I delight in ice cream, I want more ice cream. When I find pleasure in spending time with my friends, I want to spend more time with them. When I delight in the Lord, He becomes the desire of my heart and He changes my other desires. Sure, I desire a family someday to love and support, but it doesn't consume me like it could because I delight in the Lord.

Lie #2: I don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend because something is wrong with me. Of course something is wrong with all of us and that's why we need a Savior, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the belief that if you were better looking, thinner, more in-shape, smarter, more godly, more extroverted, more introverted, etc., you would be able to get a boyfriend/girlfriend. The reason you don't is because you aren't these things.

What needs to change: Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop it. Nobody wins when you compare yourself to other people. I remember complaining to my mom one time about how much smarter the other students in my class were and how intimidated and inadequate I felt. Her words back to me were, "There will always be someone better than you." It wasn't until then that I realized that comparing myself to other people was natural. I can't help it! It takes conscious effort to stop myself from seeing my own failings in light of the success of others. Sometimes I have to force myself not to look in the mirror a second time because I know it's only to point out my flaws. I have to choose to be content with not being the best at school or art or cooking or whatever. That doesn't mean I don't try to grow and become better. That's a part of maturing. But it does mean that I cannot blame my relationship status on my perceived shortcomings. If I am content with who I am in Christ, then I have no reason to worry that I don't have a boyfriend because I'm less than what I should be.

Lie #3: Being in a relationship will make me content. I believe the way Tom Cruise said it was, "You complete me." Wrong. Not only is this a lie, it's a dangerous lie. If we believe that the temptation to feel discontent goes away once we gain a significant other, we run the risk of letting our guard down and falling into greater sin when we do enter into a relationship.

What needs to change: Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Prov. 4:23). No person will ever "complete" you. Marriage is good. God created it good. But sin has made us fallen creatures, and even as renewed believers, we still fail. If you are not careful, you will feel the need to find satisfaction somewhere else or in another way. Do not let fleeting emotions guide your decisions, but consider the truth before taking action of any kind. And remember that true satisfaction comes from knowing the Lord.

Lie #4: Boys are stupid. Throw Rocks at them. Perhaps you don't actually think you should throw rocks at boys, but I'm sure at one time or another something along the lines of "Ugh! Why do boys have to be so dumb!?" has come out of your mouth.

What needs to change: Start seeing people as God's creations. I had this professor in college that made all 300 of her students look to the person to their right and left and tell them, "You are a beautiful creation of God!" every. single. class. It made it pretty hard to take a statement like that seriously in those circumstances. But in all honesty, we are missing out if we don't see people- all people- as creations of God. So stop viewing that boy as possibly a chance to get a date. Stop evaluating all the single guys in your class on their looks or smarts or abilities. If you shouldn't be viewed that way yourself, then neither should they. Instead, treat them like the human beings they are. When you do, you have a freedom to build friendships (within certain boundaries, of course). You allow them the opportunity to be themselves without pressure and you allow yourself the freedom not to worry about what they think of you or how you should act around them.

Lie #5: I'm lonely because I'm alone. Though you may feel alone, let me assure you, you are not. Unless you live on Mars or in Montana, there are people all around you, many of which are probably feeling the same way you do. The root of your loneliness is not your relationship status.

What needs to change: Invest in your other relationships. Of course, the first place to start is your relationship with God. Not only does God promise over and over again in His Word that He is with us, but He also says He understands our current circumstances. Hebrews says, "we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (4:15-16) We have a sympathetic Savior. He understands and He is with you. Take pleasure in knowing Him. But also spend time investing in relationships with people around you. Laugh and have fun. Be purposeful in your conversations about Jesus. Make true friends, not just the ones you say hey to in the grocery store, but those you text silly dog pictures to in the middle of the night and promise to pray for every day. You are not alone, and nothing defuses that lie more than building up good, solid relationships.

Of course this is not an exhaustive list of our misconceptions about relationships, but I think that when we have the correct views of ourselves, of our relationship with God, and our relationships with others, we are on a pretty good track to changing our own attitude about our current situations. Of course there are still times when I worry about not being in a relationship. But I know how to separate the lies from the truth and reminding myself of truth calms my anxious heart and fills me with peace and joy in my circumstances, whatever they may be.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Faithful. We use that word a lot in the church. We use it in songs, in prayers, in sermons and Sunday School lessons. But it's a word that I've gained new perspective in recently, and I'm so excited to share with you what God has pressed on my heart.

 Recently, there's been a lot of articles popping up on social media (maybe it's just in my circle of friends) about relationships: modesty, lust, biblical manhood and womanhood, what's appropriate for dating, what's appropriate for marriage, and so on. It's like relationship advice overload. Divorce and separation has also been something that has come up a lot recently in conversation with my friends. I know that sounds kind of strange, but I've had several discussions recently about what would be appropriate grounds breaking up with someone or for divorce. The Pharisees asked Jesus this question in Matthew 19: "Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?" Jesus told them that God created man and woman to come together and become one flesh, not to be separated, but that, because of the sinfulness of man, the Law of Moses was given that "whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery." So, it would seem and has been argued, that sexual immorality is proper grounds for divorce. But what level of sexual immorality? Jesus said during His Sermon on the Mount that whoever looks at a woman in lust has already committed adultery in his heart. In today's age, is pornography a valid reason for divorce? How many times do you try to mend the relationship with your spouse before you say enough is enough? Whether we have been directly affected by divorce or just know someone who has, I think we can all agree that all divorce is difficult and ugly. Jesus was right (duh.) when He said the law of divorce was created because of our sinfulness. We are fallen people. As believers, our relationships are meant to be reflections of God. Made in His image, we are able to do that, but fallen and sinful we do that imperfectly, and even our best relationships endure hardships and struggles.

So all of this talk about human relationships, what's good and what's bad and when is it OK to divorce led me to thinking about how God relates to us. As my friend and I were talking about divorce, Hosea's name was brought up. I love the testimony of Hosea. I would never want to be Hosea (Sorry, Man.) but I think his story is beautiful. I know that God called Hosea to marry Gomer as a message to the nation of Israel, but in His big picture, I think that we can celebrate God's faithful love not just to Israel, but to us as well. In my discussion about at what point do differences become irreconcilable, I wondered what it would be like to place my relationship with God in a completely human context. It would look a lot like the picture in Hosea. I am a wicked person. I struggle with sin daily, and too often sin wins. In my relationship with God, I am an adulterer. I am unfaithful. I play around and give my heart to others. If ours were merely a human relationship, there would be no question nor a lack of support for separation because of my infidelity. That breaks my heart. And yet, God, in His holiness and in His perfect goodness has remained faithful and loving, when all human reason would say to leave, to separate. He has stayed faithful to His promises, and I have been given a love greater than I could ever expect or imagine, greater than I could ever give anyone. The realization of God's complete faithfulness is extremely humbling. It's completely convicting. What possible response could I give to the One who has loved me so perfectly? Of course my response must be one of surrender. I imagine this picture of a woman, who ran away from home looking for something greater, something more exciting, because the words and lies of the world were so enticing, she became blind to the great care she had in her own home. She searches and searches for what she thinks will bring her greater fulfillment, but even the moments of pleasure pass and she is left unsatisfied and alone. She returns home dirty, bruised, and broken. Her strength is gone and she collapses at her husband's feet, weeping because of her shame. Surely he has the right to leave her, and no one would hold it against him if he did. But he picks her up, and holds her tightly in his arms as he quietly and gently washes off all of the mud and clay from her face, bandages her wounds, combs through her hair until all the tangles are gone, and dresses her in warm, clean clothes. He loves her and cares for her, despite her betrayal. That is our relationship with God. Though we have all we ever need, more than we could ever desire, we turn our hearts elsewhere looking for something greater, with this twisted idea of what love should be. Yet, even in our most shameful moments, He remains faithful not only to us, but to His promises and to His character. And the only proper response we can give is one of humility and surrender and imperfect love in return. What a lovely, beautiful God we serve.

Great is Thy Faithfulness, O God my Father.
There is no turning of shadow with Thee.
Thou changest not. Thy compassions, they fail not.
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hands hath provided.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside!

Donuts in the Break Room

Can you believe that we're almost halfway through July already? It seems like summer just started, and yet the fall semester is right around the corner. This summer has been great! My roommate and I moved into our first apartment. I've gotten a chance to catch up with some old high school friends, I've been able to do some fun reading, I visited family, I'm taking a couple of classes, and I'm working. It's just been the perfect balance of relaxing and being productive. Working at the campus library during the summer can be pretty dull as you can imagine. I'm not complaining about the stillness of it all. But usually if I come home with a story about how I got a papercut, it's been an exciting day. There is one thing, though, that changes the mood of all of the library staff, even on the most mellow of days: free food. It sounds ridiculous, and it probably is, but there's just something about those two words and what they mean put together that makes people crazy. (I mean crazy in the mildest sense of the word, of course. It is a library after all.) Let me just explain to you what I mean:

Every once in awhile, there is a lady that brings in a couple of boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts for the staff. As soon as they pass through the front door, the eyes of all the workers up front follow those boxes until they reach the back where the break room is. Immediately phone calls are made, emails are sent out, workers comb through the stacks to find all of the staff and let them know that there are donuts in the back break room. It's kind of like watching a virus spread, only a virus of good, tasty news. One person catches the donut-bug who gives it to another, who infects two more people, who give it to other people, until absolutely no one is left who hasn't heard that there are donuts in the break room. Then they start coming. All of the people with offices upstairs, one-by-one make their way down into the break room. The librarians who work in the back come out front to fill their coffee cups to sip along with their donuts. Us student workers take turns going into the back while the others watch the desks. It's incredible the amount of movement that happens all because someone was gracious enough to bring us a treat.

The first time I experienced this phenomenon in the library, I just had to laugh. I couldn't believe all of the commotion going on over donuts! It was amazing. But it also gave me a great picture of something much deeper and more important. As I watched the way the news traveled from person to person and the excitement that came from it all, I couldn't help but think about the shepherds who were told by the multitude of angels to go worship the Messiah who had be born in Bethlehem and was lying in a manger. After the shepherd had seen the baby Jesus, the Bible says, "they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them." (Luke 2:17-18) The shepherds had met the Messiah that had been promised and waited for since the fall of man. Of course they were excited to share the good news they had seen and heard! I also think about the Samaritan woman that Jesus met at the well, and how, after Jesus told her all she had ever done, she ran into the town to tell everyone what about this man she had met. "Could this be the Messiah?" (John 4:29) Perhaps it's silly to compare donuts to the gospel, but what I witnessed in the library provided me with a small glimpse of what it must have been like that night in Bethlehem or that day at the well. And then of course came conviction.

I, too, like the shepherds, like the Samaritan woman, have met the Messiah. He has exposed everything I have ever done. He has come to me in my humble position. I have worshipped Him. I have drunk of His living water. Yet I can't remember the last time I was as excited about meeting Jesus as my fellow workers were about eating donuts. I was having a conversation with my brother the other day about how Christianity is so offensive to some people. While I don't think that we as believers should strive to offend people, I do think that, if we are excited about and sharing our faith as we should be, some people are going to be offended. Jesus warned His disciples about this when He said, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you... They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me." (John 15:18-19, 21) Throughout history, since the disciples began preaching the gospel of Christ, they were hated and persecuted. And still their passion could not be squelched. I am so blessed to be able to live a comfortable life, to study at a seminary, to talk about the Bible openly with my friends. But as great of a privilege as it has been, I also think that I have been given a great disadvantage in that I don't know what it is to suffer for what I believe, and in fact, the fear of suffering has kept me from experiencing the great joy of sharing my faith out of the excitement of what Christ has done in my life. Instead, my excitement has been turned to things like donuts. So, next time donuts are brought into work, should I encourage my co-workers to curb their enthusiasm? No, I don't think it's wrong to get excited about free food. But I do think it's important to keep in perspective the good news that I have about the Christ who sacrificed Himself out of love so that I may have a restored relationship with my Creator. That, my friends, is much more exciting than the fact that there are donuts in the break room.

Who Am I?

Who am I?

I am Israel.

                Forgetting the promises of the faithful One and choosing to follow the created rather than Creator.

I am Gomer.

                Faithfully loved by One but constantly seeking the love of others who will never satisfy my longing.

I am Judas.

                Masquerading as a follower of the One who can save yet willing to betray the Truth for my own profit.

I am Cain.

                Brought to hate those closest to me because of selfishness and pride.

I am Lot.

                Tempted to follow what looks too good to be true and finding that it is.

I am Saul.

                Given the kingdom but driven mad with the fear of losing it.

I am Solomon.

                Given unimaginable riches and still unsatisfied.

I am Samson.

                Dancing with the enemy not considering the grave consequences that follow.

I am the Pharisees.

                Ignoring Truth for tradition and condemning others for not doing the same.

But.

I am new.

                I live not by my flesh but by His Spirit.

I am alive.

                I have been lifted out of my self-made grave and set on solid ground.

I am forgiven.

                All of my pride has been forgotten and in its place remains humility and praise.

I am called.

                No longer do I wander, because I have One to live for.

I am loved.

                I have been lavished with grace and affection that I do not deserve.

I am righteous.

                From no efforts of my own am I good, but from the efforts of One greater.

I am free.

                I am not burdened by the shame and guilt of my past.

I am secure.

                I know my place is in His hands, in His arms, and in the apple of His eye.

Who am I?

                I am His.

                And He is mine.

Loving the Sinner

"Hate the sin; love the sinner." What does this phrase really mean? We throw it around in Christian circles a lot, but is it something we really believe and live? It wasn't until recently that I've had to struggle with the balance of hate for someone's actions and love for them as a person, and until that moment, I had no idea how far stretching this concept really goes. In light of recent national events, I think that it is an important reminder that needs to be shared, first of what great love we have been shown and then of what love we should show those around us.

There are certain sins that are easier to look past than others. We can hate homosexuality, pride, abuse of alcohol... and still love the people we call homosexual, prideful, and alcoholics. But what about those people who rape women, shoot elementary school children, or bomb athletic events? Is it possible to love those people while hating their sin? That is an extremely difficult question, but I think that to answer it, another question must be examined:

What love have I been shown? I have to recognize that I have offended God. Throughout history we are given example after example of how we fall short of the glory of God. Adam and Eve disobeyed God's command not to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Cain murdered his brother Able. Israel continually doubted God's power and provision and turned to other gods. Even the heroes of Scripture failed to satisfy God's standard: Abraham had a child by his wife's servant because they didn't understand how God would provide them a promised heir, Moses was not able to enter the Promised Land because of his disobedience, and David had a man killed to cover up his adultery. In Hosea we are given a comparison between Israel's unfaithfulness to God and the infidelity of an adulterous wife. I must recognize that I am no better than these. I am Israel. I am Gomer. I have offended a most holy God. What can I do to fulfill what He requires? Nothing. Yet He has loved me.

I've written before about the love that Christ showed me while I was still His enemy (here), but in case you don't want to go back and read it, let me just recap. John 15 says, "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." We recognize that this is what Christ did for us. He laid down his life for us, showing us the greatest, most perfect love that one could ever have for another. Yet in Romans 5, Paul writes, "For one would hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." When we were still God's enemies Christ showed us the greatest love by laying down His life on our behalf, by taking our place, becoming our substitute. God has hated my sin, but has loved me with such a love as to send His Son to pay the debt that I owe for my offense. So what does that mean for me now?

It is because of God's love for me that I can love others. I hate the evil I see in the world. I hate the things I see on the news. It breaks my heart to think of the lives lost in the Newtown shooting or at the Boston Marathon or the stabbings at Lone Star College. So how do I hate the sin that these men committed and still love them as Christ has loved me? I think that it starts with recognizing that God has shown me great love and that He loves these men as well. I have to admit that I am easily inclined to hate people who commit horrendous, unthinkable crimes. But then I remember that these people have friends and family and neighbors and co-workers who love and care for them and I think about the emotions that they are going through knowing that their loved one has done something so unthinkable. I also must remember that these men need the Lord. God loves them. He loves them with perfect love just as He loves us. But they have not yet recognized His love for them. Lastly, I must pray for them. I pray that as they are prosecuted, the truth is presented and justice is given. However, I also pray for their souls, that they would recognize God's good favor and offer of salvation even towards the worst offenders. And I pray for their loved ones who are left emotionally torn between defending justice and desiring grace.

So do I defend the actions of these bad people? Absolutely not. I abhor them. However, I recognize that I, too have offended the highest standard of righteousness and yet have found favor and grace. It is because I have experienced love that I can love others, including these men, even though I cannot understand nor accept their actions.

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. -1 John 4:10-11

The Battle Against Bitterness

I guess a life update is a little overdue. And by a little, I mean a lot. I've relocated! December 15 of last year, I packed up the rest of my belongings into my car, turned in my keys, and said goodbye to what had been my life for the past four and a half years, no longer a Liberty student. I have to say, I knew it was going to be hard to leave, but I didn't know it would be as hard as it was. I realized how much of my experience I had taken for granted- the friends I had made, the opportunities I had, the lessons I learned- and now I had to start all over.

As someone who has started over a lot, you would think I would be used to it by now. This was not my first move, nor was it my biggest. I would never consider us career movers, but  change was not unusual for my family growing up, and it was really hard. But we always moved forward and adapted. I am so grateful for parents who have a foundation not in a job or a city but in the Lord. They are great examples of what it means to follow God, and I respect them so much for the difficult decisions they've made for our family. And this year it was my turn to make a difficult decision on my own. I doubt that this will be my last big decision or the most difficult, but big and difficult it has been, and I appreciate even more the example of my parents, and I hope that as I grow and learn to trust God in the decisions I make, I can be the same example to my family in the future.

So, I have been a proud Master's student at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary for six weeks now, and I have realized more than ever how much I don't know. I am also working two part time jobs, both of which I really enjoy. I started working at a local artisan market at the beginning of the year as a sales associate, and about a month later, I got a job at the library at Southeastern, which is kind of similar to my job before, but also kind of different. So, between school, work, and schoolwork, I am kept fairly busy.

The most difficult part of my transition has been making new connections. At Liberty, I was given the opportunity to build relationships with people through the dorm environment and through the ministry I was a part of. Now, with that gone, I have to learn to make friends on my own again, which is really, really hard, and I've found myself growing more and more discontent with my present situation. I am not an outgoing person. I find new social environments very intimidating, and yet I find myself in those situations every day. Because of that, I've found it extremely difficult to rejoice in the character God has given me. Instead, I have found a growing resentment for my tendency toward introversion. I can't help but think that, if only I were more outgoing, I wouldn't feel as lonely as I do. Perhaps that's true. Perhaps I would have an easier time making friends, but I cannot allow myself to believe a quieter personality is a worse personality. As much of a blessing it is to have two jobs, I've also had to guard myself against feeling resentful that I don't have more time to build new friendships. This growing bitterness towards my current situation has grown and consumed my heart as of late. But I realized that being bitter wasn't making my situation any better. In fact, I was even more miserable in my bitterness than I had been before. I've realized the need for contentment and to recognize what a blessing it is to be where I am, doing what I'm doing. I have much to be thankful for:

       I get to spend more time with my family, which is one of my most favorite things to do ever.
       I am not experiencing this transition alone. I have an awesome friend and roommate who has transferred from Liberty as well.
       I get to live rent free for some time. My parents have been so gracious to let us stay with them this semester. I get to eat my mom's home cooking and not pay bills. It doesn't get much better than that!
       I get to go to an amazing school. I have learned so much in just six weeks, and my brain cannot fathom how much more there is to learn in the next couple of years.
       I have two jobs! Not just one, but two! And they're both wonderful.
       I am making connections. I may not have great friendships yet, but those don't grow overnight. I am getting to know people.

I was reminded recently of Paul's writings to the Philippian church. My roommate and I were discussing Philippians, which is one of her favorite books. Joy in Christ is a common theme in Paul's letter, who wrote to the church in Philippi while in prison. I think that we are all familiar with chapter 4, where Paul says,

       Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things. The things which you have heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.

If I've never said it before, I'll tell you now that teaching from Scripture is extremely intimidating. I may look back on this as a wiser future self and realize that I missed the point of what Paul is saying, but reading through this passage and taking into consideration the entirety of the letter, there are several things that I have chosen to apply to my life in guarding against bitterness and living in contentment and joy:

I have chosen to rejoice! Even when present circumstances are difficult, I can rejoice in the Lord and His grace and goodness towards me.

I have chosen to live sacrificially and with consideration of others, removing myself from selfishness and caring and helping those around me.

I have chosen to be thankful! I have been given much, much more than I deserve. In fact, in order to stir up an attitude of thankfulness, I have made it my goal this year to write down one good thing from each day that I am thankful for. I can't wait to see all of the things I have chosen to be thankful for at the end of the year!

I have chosen to be honest with the Lord and trust in His provision.

I have chosen to meditate on Truth. I've realized that filling my mind with resentment only leads to more resentment. Instead, I have chosen to replace those thoughts and feelings with what is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, commendable, virtuous, and praiseworthy, namely, the Lord and His Truth.

Paul says that God grants peace to those who trust Him in these things. In fact, he mentions the peace of God twice just in these six verses. I have chosen to reject the discontentment I have been inclined to feel as of late because I know a good God who has dealt graciously with me and has blessed me in my current circumstances. I choose to fight this battle against bitterness and insecurity through remember Paul's inspired teaching and relying on the peace that only God brings to heart and mind.

God,
I have much to be thankful for. Thank You for Your endless blessings. When I consider the grace that has been shown to me, I am overwhelmed with awe and humility. Forgive me for the anger and selfishness that I have held in my heart. I present it to You with open hands and humbly ask that You replace it with thankfulness that extends to all areas of my living. Knowing You is enough to satisfy. But, Lord, never allow me to become satisfied with what I know of You. Thank You for the way You continue to challenge, grow, and refine.   Amen.

A New Adventure for an Older Me

I came to Liberty four and a half years ago. That seems like a really long time. As I talk to some of the freshmen girls on my hall this year, I tell them everything that has changed since I was a freshman, and they are amazed. That's when I feel really old. But the time has flown by so fast. As I think back through the years I've been here and the people that I've met and the classes that I've sat through and the experiences that I've had, and I realize how incredibly blessed I am.

My freshmen year, I made some of the best friends of my life. I got to know a causal friend from back home through long car rides and weekly lunch Bible studies. I spent time with my roommates coloring and watching movies and ordering pizza and eating nutella sandwiches. I was challenged to grow in my faith not just in church but in my classes. I realized that I should wear more than just t-shirts, even though they're really comfortable. I had to become independent and learn things on my own, like scheduling time to do homework and not spending all of my money at the Drowsy Poet and dollar theater.

My sophomore year I learned what it means to serve in ministry. I learned that ministry is not just meeting certain administrative obligations or requirements, but it is intentionally taking the time to build purposeful relationships with people. I learned how to talk to other people on the hall besides my roommates. I got my first job. I learned how to listen to people when they are struggling without needing to have all of the answers. I learned how to study God's Word to teach it, and how difficult it is not to make it say what you want it to, but to search for what it really means. I also learned the importance of giving God my first and best. When I give Him the rotten leftovers, He is not glorified and I am not satisfied. I learned to wait on His timing and to plan my time wisely.

My junior year I learned that my personality isn't going to click with everyone, but that I cannot give up trying to serve them. I learned that I have no clue how to teach ESL and I don't understand linguistics, but that God called me to study it and the success I have will be to His glory. I learned that I am inadequate, but He is more than adequate. I experienced great friendship, and I made it through RA qualifying without crying.

My senior year I learned that I need to surrender my plans to Him and that, though things don't always turn out the way I expected them to, He knows what's going on. I learned how to forgive people. I dealt with more problems than I thought were possible to experience in one semester. I hated my job, but I was forced to remember the people of my ministry above my problems and to keep in mind why I committed myself to my job in the first place. I experienced loneliness and learned that I won't liked by everyone I know. I had to make quick judgments and uncomfortable confrontations, but I learned to be flexible.

This semester, I've learned a lot about trust, especially through change. I feel like my life is completely different now than it was in the spring. I'm attending grad school, my family lives in a new house, I'm living on a new hall with new people, I have new financial responsibilities and I don't have a job... I even got a haircut. Some changes were expected (like my haircut. I planned that one.), but some completely sideswiped me.

I spoke in a previous post about what God taught me this summer through my financial situation, and how blessed I have been by His provision. This semester, God has decided to provide for me in a completely unexpected way. My parents informed me several months ago that I could have the opportunity to attend Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary on scholarship. When my mom told me, I already had set in my mind that I was going to attend Liberty for two more years to get my graduate degree. I was so shocked and confused that I just cried about the decision that I would have to make. (Don't judge. I am a girl, and sometimes I cry.) Like a good Christian, I prayed about it. Should I make the practical decision and transfer to SEBTS for financial reasons, or should I stay at Liberty where I am comfortable and have already made commitments and friends? I went back and forth on the decision, and after searching for a job in Lynchburg with no success, I decided to fill out an application to Southeastern.I don't know if I was right in doing it, but I asked God that, if He wanted me to stay at Liberty, He would not allow me to be accepted into Southeastern, and decided that, if I was accepted, then I would make the decision to transfer.

What made my decision even harder was the awesome group of girls I've had the privilege to live with these past four months. I have never been so encouraged and blessed by so many girls, and it has been so much fun living with all of them. The thought of leaving them breaks my heart. But several weeks ago, I got word back from Southeastern that I was accepted. I still have no money to pay for school at Liberty next semester and the opportunity to study elsewhere and I have decided to take it.

I am terrified of what this means. This week is the last week of classes I will ever experience at Liberty. My last Convocation service, my last leadership team meeting, my last hall meeting, my last RA group. I'm freaking out! I have to learn now to make friends on my own now. I have to find an apartment and a job and learn how to grow up! What is this!? As scared and sad I am to leave what has been my life for the past four and a half years, I am also excited for this new experience. For the first time since freshman year, I get to just be a student. I don't have to worry about enforcing rules or confronting situations. I get to make choices for myself, like what I want to wear or what movies I want to watch. I get to find a local church and get involved. So, as painful as it is to leave the people I love and the school that has taught me so much, I am looking forward to the new friends and experiences and lessons I get to have in this new adventure. It is bitter sweet, but, for me, it is necessary, and just as God continues to remind me over and over this semester, I am learning to trust Him in all things. I don't know what my future may bring, but He's known since forever ago, so He's the One I'm going to look towards as I walk down this new path in this new chapter of the Adventures of Me!

Cliff-Hanger

You know that scene in the action movie where the side-kick/ best friend/ love interest somehow finds him/herself falling off the edge of the cliff, but at the last moment grabs a hold of something? Her feet still dangle on the edge, rocks slipping from underneath her, down into nothingness, and as her fingers struggle to clench tight around what ever is holding her up, she knows that if she fails to hold on, she will fall as well.

That's a pretty dramatic scene, and perhaps could have been described a little better, but if I were to choose a way to describe where I am right now, it would be at the edge of a cliff. There have been so many changes recently, and sometimes I feel like I'm barely holding on. My heart is beating so fast with anxiety over things that I do not understand and cannot control. I praise God that He has given me Truth to hang on to, but sometimes I feel like my knuckles are cramping and at any moment, I could lose my grasp and fall over the edge. I hear Him saying, "Trust Me. Hold on to Me," and I trying, but I see the rocks slipping beneath my feel, and I just want Him to pick me up and set me on solid ground where I can feel safe. Yet, I know that, if I got this wish, I could very well feel comfortable enough to let go of Him and start walking confidently on my own. But where I am now, I have no choice but to trust Him and continue to hold on to what I know is true.

I just finished reading through Job recently, and there are a couple of things that I'm still chewing on. I don't understand why God would allow Job's children to die. It just seems cruel and terrible, and I don't think I will ever understand why it had to happen that way. But I know God and I trust what I have read and seen of His character, so even when I don't understand, I still choose to trust Him. In her book, When Godly People Do Ungodly Things, Beth Moore asks, "Do you realize Job endured the entire excruciating ordeal without ever knowing he was in the middle of a match between the God of the universe and the head dragon of hell? Even at the conclusion of the Old Testament book, Job still had no idea" (83). God never answered any of Job's questions. He never told Job why he had to endure such loss. But Job got to know God in such a new and incredible way! He experienced God's sovereignty, His omnipotence and omniscience. He knew that God's ways are so much higher than ours. Who was Job, a mere man, to even begin to understand why God works the way He does?

And this is where I am. I've talked about change and trust a lot recently. I feel like a broken record, but it is still something that God is drilling me in. I don't understand what is going on around me recently, nor do I understand sometimes how God can work through it. What I do know, however, is God. I have read of His sovereign goodness and His patient loving-kindness. I have experienced it. Now I must trust Him, even when I do not understand, because He is the only One keeping me from falling. If you would have told me six months ago that I would be where I am today, I would almost not believe you. These past several months have brought a lot of changes and challenges. I have never had to rely on the Lord like I am having to now, and I am experiencing Him, like Job, in a new way. I do not enjoy struggle. But I appreciate where God is leading me through my struggle.

"I had heard rumors about You, but now my eyes have seen You." -Job 42:5

Apple Cider Ponderings

It's October! The leaves are changing from dark greens to orange-y hues, scarves and boots are seeing daylight after an extended respite in the back of the closet, watching football is once again a Sunday afternoon ritual, and everything tastes like pumpkin. Fall has arrived! As I sit here sipping apple cider, I am reminded once again how wonderful it is that, in the midst of change, our God is constant. He is a rock, an anchor, ever-present, and ever-faithful. What a mighty God we serve!

Speaking of change, there seems to be a lot of it recently and I am even more thankful for God's stable presence through it all. Let's just rewind a little bit to this summer. I've already mentioned in previous posts how different this past summer was from every other summer I've had, but the greatest change to my life this summer was also the greatest challenge. I am so grateful for parents who support me and help me out in any way that they can, and I do not take that for granted. Since graduating, I have become more financially independent than I have ever been. As bills came in every month, however, I had no source of income to pay them with. I have never had to put so much trust in God for anything before, and I'm not going to lie, it was really, really hard! Try as I might to find a job, nothing was working out. I was stressing. All I could do was pray that the Lord would provide, and provide He did. I received late graduation gifts in the mail. I found more money in my bank account than I had previously thought I had. My parents helped me out where they could. Still, I knew that by the end of July I would be completely broke and unable to pay for the rest of my semester of school let alone another year and a half. That was when my internship supervisor approached me to let me know that, though they had previously told me my internship would be unpaid, they had received approval to supply me with a small stipend at the beginning of August, when my internship was over. Praise the Lord! As I watched God provide over and over for my monetary needs, it was certainly enough to sustain, but never enough to allow me to think that I could take control and make it on my own. It is quite humbling being reduced to eating Ramen noodles and pieces of sliced bread every meal, but even that could not distract me from the joy I had in getting to know Jehovah Jireh as I never have before.

Entering into this semester, I've never felt so old and yet so young in my entire life. Coming into my fifth year here at school, I've become an expert on life at Liberty, or so it would seem to the many new students I live with. It is such a blessing to live with an amazing group of girls. They are so loving and so encouraging, and it has been a blast to do life with them these past six weeks. I love getting to watch their excitement about many of the things they are learning and experiencing and I am reminded of my similar excitement coming in as a freshman. Still, the fact that I am four or five years older than most of these girls has not escaped me. I feel old. Starting my first semester in seminary has been great, but it has also been quite intimidating. I am learning so much about the Bible and missions and the character of God. I love soaking up the wisdom that my professors share every class, but there is a certain intimidation that comes with being asked questions about topics I have never even though about, surrounded by classmates old enough to be my parents. I have fretted over my class readings and assignments like I haven't in a very long time. It is weird feeling like a freshman and an old maid at the same time. Such is my life right now. And still God remains the same.

I've talked a little bit before about our vision for our hall this year, paralleling the seasons to the cycle of brokenness, surrender, and restoration, and something that I've realized is that God often uses change in our lives to draw out those things that need to be given up to Him. I'm reading through Job right now in my time with the Lord. We are all at least a little familiar with the story of Job, how everything was taken away from Him- his family, his possessions, even his own health- and still he did not forsake the Lord. Job's friends gave him little comfort in their worthless speeches during his time of mourning. Job's life went through some drastic changes through which he experienced deeper sorrow than I could ever imagine. However, Job was also able to experience awe of God's grand omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience in a way that I could only hope to. (If you ever get a chance, you should definitely read the latter part of Job from The Message.) Something that I find interesting about the story of Job is that God never explained to Job why He allowed such a great trial to come to him. Though Job asked God plenty why He brought calamity to him (Job 7:20), and though he did not believe the answers his friends provided, Job never got an answer from God. Instead he got to experience God in a new way, in a life-changing way.

In his song, The Reason Why You Brought Me Here, Jason Gray poetically and honestly describes how, through changes and even sometimes through ruin, we can still trust that God knows what He is doing. So, as I finish the last sip of my cider and look out at the beautiful Virginia landscape before me, I am thankful that my God never changes. He has remained faithful through all of the changes and trials I have faced in the past and He is One that I can trust in as I look forward to all of the changes and challenges yet to come. I am still anxious about what the future holds, but I know that I do not have to be afraid.

And just because I love this season so much, here's a pretty fall picture. Happy Autumn, everybody!