Friday, May 4, 2012
It's here! It's here! the end is finally here! After a long year and a very, very long semester, I sit here writing this only eight days away from walking across the stage. Being so close to the end leaves a strange mixture of feelings in you between excitement and anxiousness to be finished, exhaustion from all the work done and still left to be completed, and sadness in reminiscing good memories and saying goodbye to wonderful friends. I'm not gonna lie, though, right now I'm feeling a lot more exhaustion and readiness to finish than I am anything else. Still, it is hard not to get sentimental this time of the year, even as I am dying to be done! One thing that I like to do every year, as I'm sure others do, too, is reflect back on what God has done to change me and grow me from how I entered the school year. As I've wrapped up my classes and most of my final exams this past week, I've definitely been thinking a lot about these past months, and I have a little bit of a graphic analogy that I want to make if I could to describe what this year has been like...
I went to the doctor this past week for a toe infection. (I've considered not writing this out of embarrassment, but what shame do I have? None.) If you're eating, or you squirm at yucky things, this is your warning not to continue reading this post. Basically, I had an ingrown nail that was irritating the skin around it. Over the course of three days, my toe had become very red and tender and even began bleeding. (Maybe these are things I shouldn't share in public.) So, after I called my mother, I went to the doctor to see what they could do about my toe. After closely examining my foot, the doctor told me he was going to have to cut out the part of my nail that was causing the infection. It took the doctor awhile to go gather his supplies and to visit other patients, so I used my time alone on the paper-covered chair to consider this nearly-ended academic year. As I did, I came to the conclusion that God has been my doctor this year. I've said in previous posts that this has been a difficult year, and it has, but I think that I have finally realized that this year has been difficult not because of things that were going on around me, but things that were going on inside of me. I had an infection caused by some things that were not supposed to be in my life, and they were causing me a lot of pain. This year has been a long visit at the doctor's office, and the diagnosis is that I am not well. There is some fixing that needs to take place in my life.
My mom said once, "Surgery doesn't feel good at the time." I remember hearing her say this and thinking how profound that statement was, and this year I have lived it out. When the doctor came back, he had a syringe in his hand filled with liquid that would numb my toe while he used not one, but two pairs of scissors to dig out the irritant from my bleeding foot. When he was done, my toe looked awful. It was at least two times its normal size, and what wasn't covered and smeared in blood was stained brown by the iodine that he used to clean my toe before injecting it. It wasn't a pretty sight, and as I limped out of the office (my toes now being numb and swollen), I got more than a couple of odd stares. I laughed to think how pathetic I looked limping around not because I had torn a ligament or fractured a bone or anything that could remotely be deemed a worthy injury. No, I just had a silly little toe infection caused by a tiny, tiny piece of nail that was pushing through where it was not supposed to go.
Perhaps I'm being a little over dramatic about my whole visit to the doctors, and perhaps I'm just digging for something to say since I haven't been keeping up with my writing quite like I should. Ha! I imagine myself reading this post in a year or so and being completely embarrassed by my own foolishness, but at least I will have grown enough to recognize it from this point! I guess my point is that this year, I have been made uncomfortable and irritated, bitter and angry, tired and worn-out, broken and weary... and I didn't understand what was going on. I felt different. I felt like not myself, like there was something wrong with me. And it took crawling on my hands and knees before God to realize that there were some things that I needed to get rid of. Some things that I needed Him to remove.
And this is how I would sum up my year. It has been nothing that I expected it to be, and there have been some wonderful, wonderful moments that I have had the privilege to be a part of. Yet there is also a present recognition that this year was probably not all that it was supposed to be because I was not willing to let God cut out the irritants in my life until now.
So, here I am, God. Those things which You see that are not holy or honoring to Your name, remove them from my person. I am scared and I know that this process will be uncomfortable and painful. But there is nothing I can do on my own to get well again. I need You. I trust in Your healing. Thank You, Lord, for concerning Yourself with me and for bringing to my attention things that I have brought into my life that should not be there. Your righteousness and your grace astound me. You are an awe-inspiring God, and I love that I get to have an intimate relationship with You.
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." -Luke 5:32
I went to the doctor this past week for a toe infection. (I've considered not writing this out of embarrassment, but what shame do I have? None.) If you're eating, or you squirm at yucky things, this is your warning not to continue reading this post. Basically, I had an ingrown nail that was irritating the skin around it. Over the course of three days, my toe had become very red and tender and even began bleeding. (Maybe these are things I shouldn't share in public.) So, after I called my mother, I went to the doctor to see what they could do about my toe. After closely examining my foot, the doctor told me he was going to have to cut out the part of my nail that was causing the infection. It took the doctor awhile to go gather his supplies and to visit other patients, so I used my time alone on the paper-covered chair to consider this nearly-ended academic year. As I did, I came to the conclusion that God has been my doctor this year. I've said in previous posts that this has been a difficult year, and it has, but I think that I have finally realized that this year has been difficult not because of things that were going on around me, but things that were going on inside of me. I had an infection caused by some things that were not supposed to be in my life, and they were causing me a lot of pain. This year has been a long visit at the doctor's office, and the diagnosis is that I am not well. There is some fixing that needs to take place in my life.
My mom said once, "Surgery doesn't feel good at the time." I remember hearing her say this and thinking how profound that statement was, and this year I have lived it out. When the doctor came back, he had a syringe in his hand filled with liquid that would numb my toe while he used not one, but two pairs of scissors to dig out the irritant from my bleeding foot. When he was done, my toe looked awful. It was at least two times its normal size, and what wasn't covered and smeared in blood was stained brown by the iodine that he used to clean my toe before injecting it. It wasn't a pretty sight, and as I limped out of the office (my toes now being numb and swollen), I got more than a couple of odd stares. I laughed to think how pathetic I looked limping around not because I had torn a ligament or fractured a bone or anything that could remotely be deemed a worthy injury. No, I just had a silly little toe infection caused by a tiny, tiny piece of nail that was pushing through where it was not supposed to go.
Perhaps I'm being a little over dramatic about my whole visit to the doctors, and perhaps I'm just digging for something to say since I haven't been keeping up with my writing quite like I should. Ha! I imagine myself reading this post in a year or so and being completely embarrassed by my own foolishness, but at least I will have grown enough to recognize it from this point! I guess my point is that this year, I have been made uncomfortable and irritated, bitter and angry, tired and worn-out, broken and weary... and I didn't understand what was going on. I felt different. I felt like not myself, like there was something wrong with me. And it took crawling on my hands and knees before God to realize that there were some things that I needed to get rid of. Some things that I needed Him to remove.
And this is how I would sum up my year. It has been nothing that I expected it to be, and there have been some wonderful, wonderful moments that I have had the privilege to be a part of. Yet there is also a present recognition that this year was probably not all that it was supposed to be because I was not willing to let God cut out the irritants in my life until now.
So, here I am, God. Those things which You see that are not holy or honoring to Your name, remove them from my person. I am scared and I know that this process will be uncomfortable and painful. But there is nothing I can do on my own to get well again. I need You. I trust in Your healing. Thank You, Lord, for concerning Yourself with me and for bringing to my attention things that I have brought into my life that should not be there. Your righteousness and your grace astound me. You are an awe-inspiring God, and I love that I get to have an intimate relationship with You.
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." -Luke 5:32
Friday, March 9, 2012
If I could summarize what God has been teaching me the past few months in one phrase, it would be "Grow up." Usually, when someone says this, it's with a sarcastic tone, probably with a rolling of the eyes. I hope that God would show more patience with me than that, though. There seems to be a lot of areas of my life that God is revealing to me that I need to act more maturely in. And it has not been easy. In fact, it's been a lot of fighting with myself and the desire to kick and scream and stomp and say, "No! I don't want to grow up! I don't want to act mature! I want to do what I want to do! I want to hold on to my grudge! I want people to feel sorry for me! I want to be recognized and taken care of! I, I, I! Me, me, me!" And yet, God has calmly and patiently guided me to recognize that, indeed, I need to grow up and act mature. I cannot act like a child anymore.
One area that I have found myself returning to over and over again most recently is forgiveness. Never before has it been such a battle to let things go! Or, perhaps never before have I been willing to battle. Either way, it is not an easy fight. I think the hardest part has been discerning what I am allowed to feel and I really do need to let go of. Because, honestly, I want to feel bitter and angry and wronged. I want people to know that I hurt. How could it possibly be fair to just drop things and move on!? And yet, that seems to be exactly what God says to do. I keep telling Him over and over again, "But, God! This isn't fair! Why should I be the bigger person!? My feelings were hurt, too! Can't I just hold onto this for a little while longer!?" But His response is the same every. single. time. "Elizabeth, remember what I did for you? Remember how I forgave? How many times have you disobeyed Me, blasphemed Me, disowned Me, wronged Me? And did I hold on to a grudge? When you came and apologized, did I reject your words because it wasn't fair? No. I accepted your sincerity of heart, I took you back, and I said, 'let's move forward from here.'" Dang it. I know He's right, but it doesn't make it any easier a lesson to learn. I guess that's why I'm so frustrated with myself. God has forgiven me of so much, and here I am struggling to forgive the littlest of wrongs.
In class a couple of weeks ago, we were examining the recorded prayers of Christ in the New Testament. After being betrayed my one of his closest followers, unjustly tried, beaten until he was unrecognizable, mocked, and nailed to a cross to die, it is recorded in Luke 23:34 that Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." Forgive them? The God-Man was asking His Father to forgive them!? After reading this verse, my professor wisely stated that, "the key to forgiveness is identification with Christ." If Jesus, who has done no wrong was able to forgive the greatest wrong ever committed, how much more so should I, then, as someone who deserves at least some wrong, be willing to forgive someone else? Gah! So true, but so hard!
Recently, I was studying the word "philos," or "friend" in the New Testament. More specifically, I was studying Jesus as a friend. It was a really interesting study. John 15:13 is probably a pretty familiar verse to many of us. In it, Jesus says, "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." I think , a lot of times, we almost use this verse out of context. We say, "I am a friend of God!" (which I don't think we would say so casually upon reading verse 14) and we almost take it as an encouragement that Jesus thinks so highly of us. But, on further study, I think we should instead be convicted that Jesus would think so highly of us. Another popularly quoted scripture is Romans 5:8. I can't believe, though, that we don't include verses 6 and 7 with it! I'm not sure if I've talked about these verses before, but they're just so good, so even if I have, let's read them again: "For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." When Christ died for me, I wasn't His friend. I was His enemy! I was completely against Him! And still, as John 15 says, He loved me with the greatest love a friend could have.
I guess the reason I am sharing these passages is because, recently, I've struggled to forgive those who I love. Those people who I consider my friends. And yet, Christ was willing to love and forgive me even when I was His enemy. Again, the key to love and forgiveness is identification with Christ. I hate that I have had such a hard time with this. I feel so silly struggling to forgive when Christ forgave so much more than I will ever have to. I don't want to grow up. But, knowing Christ and the length that He went through so that I could have a restored relationship with Him, I am compelled to.
One area that I have found myself returning to over and over again most recently is forgiveness. Never before has it been such a battle to let things go! Or, perhaps never before have I been willing to battle. Either way, it is not an easy fight. I think the hardest part has been discerning what I am allowed to feel and I really do need to let go of. Because, honestly, I want to feel bitter and angry and wronged. I want people to know that I hurt. How could it possibly be fair to just drop things and move on!? And yet, that seems to be exactly what God says to do. I keep telling Him over and over again, "But, God! This isn't fair! Why should I be the bigger person!? My feelings were hurt, too! Can't I just hold onto this for a little while longer!?" But His response is the same every. single. time. "Elizabeth, remember what I did for you? Remember how I forgave? How many times have you disobeyed Me, blasphemed Me, disowned Me, wronged Me? And did I hold on to a grudge? When you came and apologized, did I reject your words because it wasn't fair? No. I accepted your sincerity of heart, I took you back, and I said, 'let's move forward from here.'" Dang it. I know He's right, but it doesn't make it any easier a lesson to learn. I guess that's why I'm so frustrated with myself. God has forgiven me of so much, and here I am struggling to forgive the littlest of wrongs.
In class a couple of weeks ago, we were examining the recorded prayers of Christ in the New Testament. After being betrayed my one of his closest followers, unjustly tried, beaten until he was unrecognizable, mocked, and nailed to a cross to die, it is recorded in Luke 23:34 that Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." Forgive them? The God-Man was asking His Father to forgive them!? After reading this verse, my professor wisely stated that, "the key to forgiveness is identification with Christ." If Jesus, who has done no wrong was able to forgive the greatest wrong ever committed, how much more so should I, then, as someone who deserves at least some wrong, be willing to forgive someone else? Gah! So true, but so hard!
Recently, I was studying the word "philos," or "friend" in the New Testament. More specifically, I was studying Jesus as a friend. It was a really interesting study. John 15:13 is probably a pretty familiar verse to many of us. In it, Jesus says, "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." I think , a lot of times, we almost use this verse out of context. We say, "I am a friend of God!" (which I don't think we would say so casually upon reading verse 14) and we almost take it as an encouragement that Jesus thinks so highly of us. But, on further study, I think we should instead be convicted that Jesus would think so highly of us. Another popularly quoted scripture is Romans 5:8. I can't believe, though, that we don't include verses 6 and 7 with it! I'm not sure if I've talked about these verses before, but they're just so good, so even if I have, let's read them again: "For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." When Christ died for me, I wasn't His friend. I was His enemy! I was completely against Him! And still, as John 15 says, He loved me with the greatest love a friend could have.
I guess the reason I am sharing these passages is because, recently, I've struggled to forgive those who I love. Those people who I consider my friends. And yet, Christ was willing to love and forgive me even when I was His enemy. Again, the key to love and forgiveness is identification with Christ. I hate that I have had such a hard time with this. I feel so silly struggling to forgive when Christ forgave so much more than I will ever have to. I don't want to grow up. But, knowing Christ and the length that He went through so that I could have a restored relationship with Him, I am compelled to.
Friday, February 17, 2012
My professor played this video for us the other night in our class. If you haven't read David Wilkerson's book, The Cross and the Switchblade, then you are totally missing out. It is an amazing story of God's mighty power working through an obedient man to drastically change lives. It is by far one of my favorite books. (That fact alone should be reason enough for you to go find a copy right now and read it.) I have a lot of respect for everything that this man accomplished in his lifetime.
This has been Missions Emphasis Week here at school. I love this time of the semester. There is a school wide excitement about the work that God is doing around the world as missionaries from 60 agencies come and share with students the opportunities they provide among the nations. Gah! So cool! The theme of this week's MEW is {un}reached. My roommate and I have been doing research leading up to this week on the unreached peoples of the world Here are some of the facts that we found, according to the Joshua Project:
- There are over 6,900 unreached people groups in the world. That's 41% of all of the people groups in the world.
- 5,900 of these 6,900 peoples are located in restricted access areas.
- About 2,100 groups still have not had any Bible translation work done in their language.
- Over 86% of the world's Hindus, Muslims, and Buddhists have never met a Christ follower.
- The countries with the most unreached groups are: India, China, Nepal, Pakistan, and Bangladesh.
I have been so convicted learning all of these things of God and of His precious, precious creation. People are dying because they don't know Him. Let me say that again: People are dying. And here I am, attending the world's largest evangelical Christian college, attending weekly worship services, living comfortably in my Christian life, and regularly abusing God's grace. Lord, What am I doing here!? These past few weeks, I have become so restless where I am at, knowing that there are lives at stake. Did you know that, if you view 5 people in the world per second who don't know Christ as their Savior, it would take roughly 35 years to view them all? 35 years! I am in anguish over their lives, and I don't know what to do. The task is so great, and I am so small. God, when can I go? Where do I begin? I know that it is God's work and not mine, but has He not chosen us? How can I, as someone who has a personal relationship with a holy God, be satisfied and comfortable with where I am at? I guess there are a few things that I am struggling through right now:
How do I maintain a sense of agony for the nations? It is draining. Spiritually, emotionally and physically exhausting. Is it something to be held on to? Is it meant for just a season? Nehemiah says, "So it was, when I heard these words, that I sat down and wept, and mourned for many days; I was fasting and praying before the God of heaven." But when did he exit this time of anguish? Was it after the initial shock? Was it after the king sent Him back home? Was it when the work was completed? I don't know.
What am I supposed to do? I know that I am called to stay here for a time (or, at least I think that I know that), but what am I supposed to do while I'm here? I guess I know a part of the answer. I have learned a lot about prayer this semester. I think that, a lot of times, we kind of add prayer as an appendix to everything God really desires from us. We think we have to do this and accomplish that, and handle such-and-such in this manner, and, oh yeah, we should pray, too. Yet the ability to come before God- the creator and master of all things- with not only praise, but with petitions and requests is matchless. He holds all power, so why wouldn't we come before Him in prayer in everything we do? But, beyond that, beyond prayer, should I be doing something else?
Lastly, I am struggling being content with where God has me right now. It is so easy to catch a glance of the big picture and find everything about where I am right now completely meaningless, but this is not true. There are people who are just as lost living here. I am called to be a witness first to my Jerusalem. So, how do I balance a desire to go out and a contentment with staying here? Gah! Balance! Why does it have to be so hard!?
God,
I am so humbled by the place You have brought me to. I am such a small part in Your plan. Still, You desire to use me. I pray that I would not lose my passion for Your people, but that my burning desire for all nations to come to know You would only swell, and I pray that You would sustain me as my burden for them grows. Give me discernment to know where You are calling me, and a contentment wherever that may be; yet, do not allow my contentment to turn into complacency. God, hear my prayer for Your people. Do a great work among them, that they may know Your truth, and that Your truth may set them free. I'm not sure what else to say. See the sincerity of my heart, even when words fail. Hear my request on their behalves and honor it. These things I ask in humility and in faith in You, trusting in Your plan above my own. Amen.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Here is my longing: to know and follow You.
But sometimes in my flesh, I find that it's not true.
Instead, what I desire most is to indulge myself.
So knowingly I place you in the corner of the top shelf.
I thought that in my running I would find satisfaction.
Yet what I found instead was merely a distraction
from what matters most and what I should pursue.
Lord, forgive me. I'm running back to you.
In You, and only You, I can find life abundant.
Still my pattern of sin has become quite redundant.
And though, for a moment, I thought that I was happy,what I found in reality was that rebelling just felt crappy.
a building in the sand too easily destructed.
Destroy this facade that for myself I've built.
And in its place construct a fortress free from any guilt.
Hear my prayer, O God, and change the heart of me.
Til there is nothing left to see of me and only Thee.
Forgive the pattern of my sin and set this prisoner free.
To be running in pursuit of You is where I want to be.
Friday, January 20, 2012
*Disclamer: Ok, so I wrote this a long while ago, but I've been too embarrassed to post it. I will be the first to admit that I am no Frost or Thoreau. My rhyming scheme is unambitious and my meter is non-existent. Yet in the time that I wrote this I was really aching and lonely, and this seemed to be an appropriate way to express myself. You know, like when a little kid draws a picture and to you it looks like the crayon box puked on the page, but they are completely satisfied with the masterpiece they created? That's what this is. I only give this disclamer to say please don't judge my skills or lack thereof. I only share this because I want to be open and honest about how God has worked in my life, including in my time of aching.
Speak to me, God!
Words I do not know.
Condemnation,
Exhortation,
Your judgment,
Your mercy-
Anything to tell me
that I am not alone.
I need to hear from you, God!
Let me know that You are near.
Wrap your arms around me tightly,
Because I'm shaking with fear!
Fear of the future,
Guilt from the past,
Worries and regrets,
Pain,
Frustration,
Bitterness;
God, how am I supposed to cope with all of this!?
I can't do this myself!
I need You to lift me up!
I need to hear your voice!
I need You to fill my cup!
God, You are my Provider,
my Sufficiency,
my Lord,
my Infinate Maker,
my Intimate Savior,
my Rock,
my Shield,
my Eternal Reward.
So I will trust in You, God,
and I will praise Your name.
No matter my circumstance:
Burnt-out or aflame.
You are still God,
and You are still good.
This is enough for me.
I am nothing but Your creation,
Your vessle,
Your tool.
Do what You will with me.
I don't understand why I'm here,
Why I struggle to hear You call,
But I trust that if I keep seaching,
You will draw near after all.
So I will continue searching,
Calling,
Reaching,
Crying to You.
God, please don't fail me.
I need to hear from You.
Speak to me, God!
Words I do not know.
Condemnation,
Exhortation,
Your judgment,
Your mercy-
Anything to tell me
that I am not alone.
I need to hear from you, God!
Let me know that You are near.
Wrap your arms around me tightly,
Because I'm shaking with fear!
Fear of the future,
Guilt from the past,
Worries and regrets,
Pain,
Frustration,
Bitterness;
God, how am I supposed to cope with all of this!?
I can't do this myself!
I need You to lift me up!
I need to hear your voice!
I need You to fill my cup!
God, You are my Provider,
my Sufficiency,
my Lord,
my Infinate Maker,
my Intimate Savior,
my Rock,
my Shield,
my Eternal Reward.
So I will trust in You, God,
and I will praise Your name.
No matter my circumstance:
Burnt-out or aflame.
You are still God,
and You are still good.
This is enough for me.
I am nothing but Your creation,
Your vessle,
Your tool.
Do what You will with me.
I don't understand why I'm here,
Why I struggle to hear You call,
But I trust that if I keep seaching,
You will draw near after all.
So I will continue searching,
Calling,
Reaching,
Crying to You.
God, please don't fail me.
I need to hear from You.
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