Monday, October 1, 2012
It's October! The leaves are changing from dark greens to orange-y hues, scarves and boots are seeing daylight after an extended respite in the back of the closet, watching football is once again a Sunday afternoon ritual, and everything tastes like pumpkin. Fall has arrived! As I sit here sipping apple cider, I am reminded once again how wonderful it is that, in the midst of change, our God is constant. He is a rock, an anchor, ever-present, and ever-faithful. What a mighty God we serve!
Speaking of change, there seems to be a lot of it recently and I am even more thankful for God's stable presence through it all. Let's just rewind a little bit to this summer. I've already mentioned in previous posts how different this past summer was from every other summer I've had, but the greatest change to my life this summer was also the greatest challenge. I am so grateful for parents who support me and help me out in any way that they can, and I do not take that for granted. Since graduating, I have become more financially independent than I have ever been. As bills came in every month, however, I had no source of income to pay them with. I have never had to put so much trust in God for anything before, and I'm not going to lie, it was really, really hard! Try as I might to find a job, nothing was working out. I was stressing. All I could do was pray that the Lord would provide, and provide He did. I received late graduation gifts in the mail. I found more money in my bank account than I had previously thought I had. My parents helped me out where they could. Still, I knew that by the end of July I would be completely broke and unable to pay for the rest of my semester of school let alone another year and a half. That was when my internship supervisor approached me to let me know that, though they had previously told me my internship would be unpaid, they had received approval to supply me with a small stipend at the beginning of August, when my internship was over. Praise the Lord! As I watched God provide over and over for my monetary needs, it was certainly enough to sustain, but never enough to allow me to think that I could take control and make it on my own. It is quite humbling being reduced to eating Ramen noodles and pieces of sliced bread every meal, but even that could not distract me from the joy I had in getting to know Jehovah Jireh as I never have before.
Entering into this semester, I've never felt so old and yet so young in my entire life. Coming into my fifth year here at school, I've become an expert on life at Liberty, or so it would seem to the many new students I live with. It is such a blessing to live with an amazing group of girls. They are so loving and so encouraging, and it has been a blast to do life with them these past six weeks. I love getting to watch their excitement about many of the things they are learning and experiencing and I am reminded of my similar excitement coming in as a freshman. Still, the fact that I am four or five years older than most of these girls has not escaped me. I feel old. Starting my first semester in seminary has been great, but it has also been quite intimidating. I am learning so much about the Bible and missions and the character of God. I love soaking up the wisdom that my professors share every class, but there is a certain intimidation that comes with being asked questions about topics I have never even though about, surrounded by classmates old enough to be my parents. I have fretted over my class readings and assignments like I haven't in a very long time. It is weird feeling like a freshman and an old maid at the same time. Such is my life right now. And still God remains the same.
I've talked a little bit before about our vision for our hall this year, paralleling the seasons to the cycle of brokenness, surrender, and restoration, and something that I've realized is that God often uses change in our lives to draw out those things that need to be given up to Him. I'm reading through Job right now in my time with the Lord. We are all at least a little familiar with the story of Job, how everything was taken away from Him- his family, his possessions, even his own health- and still he did not forsake the Lord. Job's friends gave him little comfort in their worthless speeches during his time of mourning. Job's life went through some drastic changes through which he experienced deeper sorrow than I could ever imagine. However, Job was also able to experience awe of God's grand omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience in a way that I could only hope to. (If you ever get a chance, you should definitely read the latter part of Job from The Message.) Something that I find interesting about the story of Job is that God never explained to Job why He allowed such a great trial to come to him. Though Job asked God plenty why He brought calamity to him (Job 7:20), and though he did not believe the answers his friends provided, Job never got an answer from God. Instead he got to experience God in a new way, in a life-changing way.
In his song, The Reason Why You Brought Me Here, Jason Gray poetically and honestly describes how, through changes and even sometimes through ruin, we can still trust that God knows what He is doing. So, as I finish the last sip of my cider and look out at the beautiful Virginia landscape before me, I am thankful that my God never changes. He has remained faithful through all of the changes and trials I have faced in the past and He is One that I can trust in as I look forward to all of the changes and challenges yet to come. I am still anxious about what the future holds, but I know that I do not have to be afraid.
And just because I love this season so much, here's a pretty fall picture. Happy Autumn, everybody!
Speaking of change, there seems to be a lot of it recently and I am even more thankful for God's stable presence through it all. Let's just rewind a little bit to this summer. I've already mentioned in previous posts how different this past summer was from every other summer I've had, but the greatest change to my life this summer was also the greatest challenge. I am so grateful for parents who support me and help me out in any way that they can, and I do not take that for granted. Since graduating, I have become more financially independent than I have ever been. As bills came in every month, however, I had no source of income to pay them with. I have never had to put so much trust in God for anything before, and I'm not going to lie, it was really, really hard! Try as I might to find a job, nothing was working out. I was stressing. All I could do was pray that the Lord would provide, and provide He did. I received late graduation gifts in the mail. I found more money in my bank account than I had previously thought I had. My parents helped me out where they could. Still, I knew that by the end of July I would be completely broke and unable to pay for the rest of my semester of school let alone another year and a half. That was when my internship supervisor approached me to let me know that, though they had previously told me my internship would be unpaid, they had received approval to supply me with a small stipend at the beginning of August, when my internship was over. Praise the Lord! As I watched God provide over and over for my monetary needs, it was certainly enough to sustain, but never enough to allow me to think that I could take control and make it on my own. It is quite humbling being reduced to eating Ramen noodles and pieces of sliced bread every meal, but even that could not distract me from the joy I had in getting to know Jehovah Jireh as I never have before.
Entering into this semester, I've never felt so old and yet so young in my entire life. Coming into my fifth year here at school, I've become an expert on life at Liberty, or so it would seem to the many new students I live with. It is such a blessing to live with an amazing group of girls. They are so loving and so encouraging, and it has been a blast to do life with them these past six weeks. I love getting to watch their excitement about many of the things they are learning and experiencing and I am reminded of my similar excitement coming in as a freshman. Still, the fact that I am four or five years older than most of these girls has not escaped me. I feel old. Starting my first semester in seminary has been great, but it has also been quite intimidating. I am learning so much about the Bible and missions and the character of God. I love soaking up the wisdom that my professors share every class, but there is a certain intimidation that comes with being asked questions about topics I have never even though about, surrounded by classmates old enough to be my parents. I have fretted over my class readings and assignments like I haven't in a very long time. It is weird feeling like a freshman and an old maid at the same time. Such is my life right now. And still God remains the same.
I've talked a little bit before about our vision for our hall this year, paralleling the seasons to the cycle of brokenness, surrender, and restoration, and something that I've realized is that God often uses change in our lives to draw out those things that need to be given up to Him. I'm reading through Job right now in my time with the Lord. We are all at least a little familiar with the story of Job, how everything was taken away from Him- his family, his possessions, even his own health- and still he did not forsake the Lord. Job's friends gave him little comfort in their worthless speeches during his time of mourning. Job's life went through some drastic changes through which he experienced deeper sorrow than I could ever imagine. However, Job was also able to experience awe of God's grand omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience in a way that I could only hope to. (If you ever get a chance, you should definitely read the latter part of Job from The Message.) Something that I find interesting about the story of Job is that God never explained to Job why He allowed such a great trial to come to him. Though Job asked God plenty why He brought calamity to him (Job 7:20), and though he did not believe the answers his friends provided, Job never got an answer from God. Instead he got to experience God in a new way, in a life-changing way.
In his song, The Reason Why You Brought Me Here, Jason Gray poetically and honestly describes how, through changes and even sometimes through ruin, we can still trust that God knows what He is doing. So, as I finish the last sip of my cider and look out at the beautiful Virginia landscape before me, I am thankful that my God never changes. He has remained faithful through all of the changes and trials I have faced in the past and He is One that I can trust in as I look forward to all of the changes and challenges yet to come. I am still anxious about what the future holds, but I know that I do not have to be afraid.
And just because I love this season so much, here's a pretty fall picture. Happy Autumn, everybody!
Monday, July 23, 2012
I hope this is normal to admit, but sometimes I talk to myself. I know that most people make a comment here or there to themselves. I do that, too, but sometimes, particularly when I'm driving alone, I just like to talk out loud. There's something about putting things into words that helps to process and solidify your thoughts. This past weekend, I went home for a couple of days, which gave me three hours of talk time both on the way there and back (you'd be surprised how much I have to say to myself), and it was actually really beneficial.
This summer has been totally different than any other before it. My previous summers have been filled with people: children, families, friends, and many, many others. This summer, though, has been quite the opposite. Perhaps that's why I've taken up talking to myself... Most of my time is spent by myself, and it's really, really quiet. At first, this was a little difficult to get used to. I've come to appreciate my summer, though, as a time to quietly commune with the Lord and reflect on how He has changed my life thus far. I've especially been thinking about this past school year, as busy as it was, and what I have learned from it. This is what I was talking about this weekend on my drive home: what have I learned this past year? How have my decisions effected me, and where am I now? It wasn't until I talked through all of it (with myself) that I realized what a valuable lesson I have learned, and in an effort to make this lesson stick, I've decided to share it with you.
I've come to realize that, in the role of leadership, you are not immune to temptation to sin. In fact, I would argue that many leaders are more susceptible to temptation. This, of course, isn't true for all leaders, but it has certainly been true for me. Last year, I read the book by Beth Moore, When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. It was an eye-opening and valuable read, and it really exposed me to the seriousness of the battle between Spirit and flesh within a person. Without going into much detail, I myself struggled with sin this past year in a way that I have never struggled before, and I found myself losing often. I became very bitter and angry and hurt. I was so ashamed of the way I had let my sinful desires get the better of me, and I hated that I, as a spiritual leader, had become such a hypocrite. My guilt was great, and with so much guilt, how could I ever face a holy and righteous God? I couldn't. The humiliation was too much. So, instead, I tried something else. I thought that, if I could gain control of my actions and show conquest of my sin on my own, then I could return to the Lord. It would still be a humbling experience, but at least I could show the accomplishments of my own self-improvement. I knew that this wasn't the best or the right way to approach my sin, but my pride was too great to allow for another option. So, I tried cleaning up my own mess, but, try as I might, I just could not fix myself. Finally, I had to come to a point of such brokenness that I realized there was no way I could ever hope to succeed on my own.
Paul says in Romans 12:9 "Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good." I realized that I had been focusing on not doing bad when I needed to be focusing on what is good and true. So, instead of trying to fixing my sin, I began to pursue the Lord. I began to spend serious time with Him that I had not done in awhile out of shame. It was humiliating to come before Him. There was no room for any pride. And still, with all of my screw-ups, He showed me healing and victory that I could not have experienced if I had kept trying on my own. My victory over sin did not come through any of my efforts. It never would. Victory comes in and through Christ alone. Victory over sin and death is His and I am able to experience that victory in my own life only by pursuing Him, by holding fast to Him, by clinging to Him.
This next year, our hall leadership has decided to focus on the process of brokenness, surrender, and restoration. The title of our theme is "Sweetly Broken, Wholly Surrendered." As we go through the seasons of the year, we hope to highlight how these reflect back to how God works in us as we go through changes (fall) and hardships (winter), which lead to brokenness and surrender. When we experience brokenness and surrender before God, He allows us to experience newness of life (spring) and restoration in Him, and when we are restored to the Lord, we experience new joy and strength (summer). I didn't know at the time that we put our theme together how relevant it would be to my own life experiences. I know that the battle is still being fought and I cannot give up yet, but I also know who holds the victory and I have chosen to ally myself with Him. In Him I have strength to fight on, because I know that there is nothing in this world more valuable than what I already have: a relationship with the eternal, sovereign King.
This summer has been totally different than any other before it. My previous summers have been filled with people: children, families, friends, and many, many others. This summer, though, has been quite the opposite. Perhaps that's why I've taken up talking to myself... Most of my time is spent by myself, and it's really, really quiet. At first, this was a little difficult to get used to. I've come to appreciate my summer, though, as a time to quietly commune with the Lord and reflect on how He has changed my life thus far. I've especially been thinking about this past school year, as busy as it was, and what I have learned from it. This is what I was talking about this weekend on my drive home: what have I learned this past year? How have my decisions effected me, and where am I now? It wasn't until I talked through all of it (with myself) that I realized what a valuable lesson I have learned, and in an effort to make this lesson stick, I've decided to share it with you.
I've come to realize that, in the role of leadership, you are not immune to temptation to sin. In fact, I would argue that many leaders are more susceptible to temptation. This, of course, isn't true for all leaders, but it has certainly been true for me. Last year, I read the book by Beth Moore, When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. It was an eye-opening and valuable read, and it really exposed me to the seriousness of the battle between Spirit and flesh within a person. Without going into much detail, I myself struggled with sin this past year in a way that I have never struggled before, and I found myself losing often. I became very bitter and angry and hurt. I was so ashamed of the way I had let my sinful desires get the better of me, and I hated that I, as a spiritual leader, had become such a hypocrite. My guilt was great, and with so much guilt, how could I ever face a holy and righteous God? I couldn't. The humiliation was too much. So, instead, I tried something else. I thought that, if I could gain control of my actions and show conquest of my sin on my own, then I could return to the Lord. It would still be a humbling experience, but at least I could show the accomplishments of my own self-improvement. I knew that this wasn't the best or the right way to approach my sin, but my pride was too great to allow for another option. So, I tried cleaning up my own mess, but, try as I might, I just could not fix myself. Finally, I had to come to a point of such brokenness that I realized there was no way I could ever hope to succeed on my own.
Paul says in Romans 12:9 "Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good." I realized that I had been focusing on not doing bad when I needed to be focusing on what is good and true. So, instead of trying to fixing my sin, I began to pursue the Lord. I began to spend serious time with Him that I had not done in awhile out of shame. It was humiliating to come before Him. There was no room for any pride. And still, with all of my screw-ups, He showed me healing and victory that I could not have experienced if I had kept trying on my own. My victory over sin did not come through any of my efforts. It never would. Victory comes in and through Christ alone. Victory over sin and death is His and I am able to experience that victory in my own life only by pursuing Him, by holding fast to Him, by clinging to Him.
This next year, our hall leadership has decided to focus on the process of brokenness, surrender, and restoration. The title of our theme is "Sweetly Broken, Wholly Surrendered." As we go through the seasons of the year, we hope to highlight how these reflect back to how God works in us as we go through changes (fall) and hardships (winter), which lead to brokenness and surrender. When we experience brokenness and surrender before God, He allows us to experience newness of life (spring) and restoration in Him, and when we are restored to the Lord, we experience new joy and strength (summer). I didn't know at the time that we put our theme together how relevant it would be to my own life experiences. I know that the battle is still being fought and I cannot give up yet, but I also know who holds the victory and I have chosen to ally myself with Him. In Him I have strength to fight on, because I know that there is nothing in this world more valuable than what I already have: a relationship with the eternal, sovereign King.
Monday, June 18, 2012
I've been desiring to write a new post for awhile, but it's been a struggle to know what to write about. I don't know how professional bloggers do it! How do you have so much to say on a regular basis? I was reading back through some of my older posts, and I must say that I feel completely inadequate to be sharing my thoughts on a public forum like this. And yet here I am writing again.
Currently, I'm reading through the gospels, which is something that, sadly, I haven't done in a long time. I marvel at the people who are able to digest so much of God's Word as they read. Sometimes I feel like there's just so much, I'm barely grasping at anything. It's like you're falling down a pit so quickly, that instead of grabbing hold of anything solid, you've just got a lot of dirt underneath your fingernails. Only, it's not so dark and hopeless as that. It's really more like I'm just so overwhelmed by the great vastness and depth of God and His revelation. Reading through stories that I've grown up with can be rather monotonous, but I am reminded as I read that these are actual accounts of real events! That's crazy! These things actually happened! My Savior actually walked this earth! And, like any good reader, I can't help but place myself in the story and wonder what my reaction would be like if I had the opportunity to sit and hear Jesus' teachings in the synagogue or on the hillside or in the house of a friend.
The Jewish leaders were so hardened toward Jesus and His message. They continued to test Him and nothing He ever did was good enough for them. No miracle that He performed or prophecy He quoted or parable He told was enough for them. They were determined to be unsatisfied. Jesus could not win. It's like when you get into an argument with someone. You both are so determined that you are right that no reasoning could make either of you change your mind to what you believe to be true. Only, what Jesus said was true. It's a shame that these religious rulers had lost focus on what they were supposed to be leading others in. They had become so wrapped up in themselves that they completely rejected God. Jesus pointed out their hypocrisy time and time again (which, of course, didn't settle well with them either). There's one story that sticks out to me in particular: Lazarus and the rich man. I'm not going to recount the whole story, but the rich ruler, who has died and is now in Hell, pleads with Abraham to send Lazarus (who has also died) to his living relatives to warn them so that they go to Hell when they die. Abraham's answer to the rich man is wrenching. He says that if they are not willing to listen to the prophecies of Moses and those after him, then they will not listen to someone who has raised from the dead. I wonder, if I had been alive 2000 years ago, if I would be like the Pharisees: beyond skeptical. I can see this trait in me, the same stubbornness that the religious leaders showed. It breaks my heart to think that I could respond to the Son of God in that way.
Then there were those who crowed Jesus to hear His teachings and to see Him perform miracles and maybe to ask Him for help or healing themselves. Sometimes I wonder if these crowds really desired to follow Jesus in the way that He taught, taking up their crosses and forsaking everything else- family, riches, status-or if they just followed Him simply because they were fans of His ministry. I think of superstars who are so cool and so popular that they gather a following, but who really cares to know them beyond what they give the public (music, movies, whatever)? Sure, we love them and we would love to meet them and even get a picture with them, but, if we're sensible, we're not going to drop everything to be groupies. We have our own lives that we're content living. I wonder if that's how the crowds followed Jesus. If so, would I be one in the crowd? Would I brag about being one of the five thousand that Jesus fed or seeing Him heal the lame man who was lowered through the roof for bragging's sake? Because I could see myself doing that as well.
Of course, there were Jesus' disciples, too, and not just the twelve. Luke accounts Jesus sending out seventy, in pairs, to teach and perform miracles in His name. I think that the disciples were so sincere in their commitment to Christ, as much as they could be, but their understanding was limited. Of course, when you place any group of people next to God Himself, they're going to fall short. Still, I wonder if they ever looked back to some of the time they had with Jesus and said, "Gosh, we were so foolish! What were we thinking!?" I know I do this often. And I will continue to do this until the end of my life.
I know that I really don't have much to really, truly base any of these characterizations on. But what kind of reader would I be if I didn't impose some of my human experience into what I am reading? I know that reading into Scripture is something to be very careful with, so I'm not equating it with the truth that we do find in God's Word, but if it was true, I wonder what category I would fall into.
I love where the writers of the gospels say that Jesus was moved with compassion for the people. I don't even have any commentary to add to that. Jesus was moved with compassion for the people. I'm not an overly emotional person. I tend to lean toward reason and logic any away from feelings and instinct. But what a wonderful feeling it is to think about the compassion of Christ. All of these people: the Pharisees, the crowds, the disciples, had personal interactions with Jesus, and He was moved with compassion towards them. I have not only read about His compassion, but I have experienced it. As I read about the compassion that Jesus showed many, many years ago, I am reminded of His present compassion that I am able to take part in and experience, and I cannot help but marvel and worship Him for His amazing goodness. We serve a wonderful God. How blessed we are to be called His children- and that is what we are!
God, I am sorry for those times my stubbornness and my pride and even my own ignorance get in the way of truly following you. Thank You for the compassion You showed thousands of years ago. It amazes me to think of how Your love continues even until now. You are not a dead God, but You are living and Your Word is active. God, may Your compassion draw me to repentance and to true discipleship. I may be naive and I may not understand much, but I desire to continue to grow in understanding. Lead me in these things, Lord. I desire to know You and to follow You, but I need You to show me how to do these things.
Currently, I'm reading through the gospels, which is something that, sadly, I haven't done in a long time. I marvel at the people who are able to digest so much of God's Word as they read. Sometimes I feel like there's just so much, I'm barely grasping at anything. It's like you're falling down a pit so quickly, that instead of grabbing hold of anything solid, you've just got a lot of dirt underneath your fingernails. Only, it's not so dark and hopeless as that. It's really more like I'm just so overwhelmed by the great vastness and depth of God and His revelation. Reading through stories that I've grown up with can be rather monotonous, but I am reminded as I read that these are actual accounts of real events! That's crazy! These things actually happened! My Savior actually walked this earth! And, like any good reader, I can't help but place myself in the story and wonder what my reaction would be like if I had the opportunity to sit and hear Jesus' teachings in the synagogue or on the hillside or in the house of a friend.
The Jewish leaders were so hardened toward Jesus and His message. They continued to test Him and nothing He ever did was good enough for them. No miracle that He performed or prophecy He quoted or parable He told was enough for them. They were determined to be unsatisfied. Jesus could not win. It's like when you get into an argument with someone. You both are so determined that you are right that no reasoning could make either of you change your mind to what you believe to be true. Only, what Jesus said was true. It's a shame that these religious rulers had lost focus on what they were supposed to be leading others in. They had become so wrapped up in themselves that they completely rejected God. Jesus pointed out their hypocrisy time and time again (which, of course, didn't settle well with them either). There's one story that sticks out to me in particular: Lazarus and the rich man. I'm not going to recount the whole story, but the rich ruler, who has died and is now in Hell, pleads with Abraham to send Lazarus (who has also died) to his living relatives to warn them so that they go to Hell when they die. Abraham's answer to the rich man is wrenching. He says that if they are not willing to listen to the prophecies of Moses and those after him, then they will not listen to someone who has raised from the dead. I wonder, if I had been alive 2000 years ago, if I would be like the Pharisees: beyond skeptical. I can see this trait in me, the same stubbornness that the religious leaders showed. It breaks my heart to think that I could respond to the Son of God in that way.
Then there were those who crowed Jesus to hear His teachings and to see Him perform miracles and maybe to ask Him for help or healing themselves. Sometimes I wonder if these crowds really desired to follow Jesus in the way that He taught, taking up their crosses and forsaking everything else- family, riches, status-or if they just followed Him simply because they were fans of His ministry. I think of superstars who are so cool and so popular that they gather a following, but who really cares to know them beyond what they give the public (music, movies, whatever)? Sure, we love them and we would love to meet them and even get a picture with them, but, if we're sensible, we're not going to drop everything to be groupies. We have our own lives that we're content living. I wonder if that's how the crowds followed Jesus. If so, would I be one in the crowd? Would I brag about being one of the five thousand that Jesus fed or seeing Him heal the lame man who was lowered through the roof for bragging's sake? Because I could see myself doing that as well.
Of course, there were Jesus' disciples, too, and not just the twelve. Luke accounts Jesus sending out seventy, in pairs, to teach and perform miracles in His name. I think that the disciples were so sincere in their commitment to Christ, as much as they could be, but their understanding was limited. Of course, when you place any group of people next to God Himself, they're going to fall short. Still, I wonder if they ever looked back to some of the time they had with Jesus and said, "Gosh, we were so foolish! What were we thinking!?" I know I do this often. And I will continue to do this until the end of my life.
I know that I really don't have much to really, truly base any of these characterizations on. But what kind of reader would I be if I didn't impose some of my human experience into what I am reading? I know that reading into Scripture is something to be very careful with, so I'm not equating it with the truth that we do find in God's Word, but if it was true, I wonder what category I would fall into.
I love where the writers of the gospels say that Jesus was moved with compassion for the people. I don't even have any commentary to add to that. Jesus was moved with compassion for the people. I'm not an overly emotional person. I tend to lean toward reason and logic any away from feelings and instinct. But what a wonderful feeling it is to think about the compassion of Christ. All of these people: the Pharisees, the crowds, the disciples, had personal interactions with Jesus, and He was moved with compassion towards them. I have not only read about His compassion, but I have experienced it. As I read about the compassion that Jesus showed many, many years ago, I am reminded of His present compassion that I am able to take part in and experience, and I cannot help but marvel and worship Him for His amazing goodness. We serve a wonderful God. How blessed we are to be called His children- and that is what we are!
God, I am sorry for those times my stubbornness and my pride and even my own ignorance get in the way of truly following you. Thank You for the compassion You showed thousands of years ago. It amazes me to think of how Your love continues even until now. You are not a dead God, but You are living and Your Word is active. God, may Your compassion draw me to repentance and to true discipleship. I may be naive and I may not understand much, but I desire to continue to grow in understanding. Lead me in these things, Lord. I desire to know You and to follow You, but I need You to show me how to do these things.
Friday, May 4, 2012
It's here! It's here! the end is finally here! After a long year and a very, very long semester, I sit here writing this only eight days away from walking across the stage. Being so close to the end leaves a strange mixture of feelings in you between excitement and anxiousness to be finished, exhaustion from all the work done and still left to be completed, and sadness in reminiscing good memories and saying goodbye to wonderful friends. I'm not gonna lie, though, right now I'm feeling a lot more exhaustion and readiness to finish than I am anything else. Still, it is hard not to get sentimental this time of the year, even as I am dying to be done! One thing that I like to do every year, as I'm sure others do, too, is reflect back on what God has done to change me and grow me from how I entered the school year. As I've wrapped up my classes and most of my final exams this past week, I've definitely been thinking a lot about these past months, and I have a little bit of a graphic analogy that I want to make if I could to describe what this year has been like...
I went to the doctor this past week for a toe infection. (I've considered not writing this out of embarrassment, but what shame do I have? None.) If you're eating, or you squirm at yucky things, this is your warning not to continue reading this post. Basically, I had an ingrown nail that was irritating the skin around it. Over the course of three days, my toe had become very red and tender and even began bleeding. (Maybe these are things I shouldn't share in public.) So, after I called my mother, I went to the doctor to see what they could do about my toe. After closely examining my foot, the doctor told me he was going to have to cut out the part of my nail that was causing the infection. It took the doctor awhile to go gather his supplies and to visit other patients, so I used my time alone on the paper-covered chair to consider this nearly-ended academic year. As I did, I came to the conclusion that God has been my doctor this year. I've said in previous posts that this has been a difficult year, and it has, but I think that I have finally realized that this year has been difficult not because of things that were going on around me, but things that were going on inside of me. I had an infection caused by some things that were not supposed to be in my life, and they were causing me a lot of pain. This year has been a long visit at the doctor's office, and the diagnosis is that I am not well. There is some fixing that needs to take place in my life.
My mom said once, "Surgery doesn't feel good at the time." I remember hearing her say this and thinking how profound that statement was, and this year I have lived it out. When the doctor came back, he had a syringe in his hand filled with liquid that would numb my toe while he used not one, but two pairs of scissors to dig out the irritant from my bleeding foot. When he was done, my toe looked awful. It was at least two times its normal size, and what wasn't covered and smeared in blood was stained brown by the iodine that he used to clean my toe before injecting it. It wasn't a pretty sight, and as I limped out of the office (my toes now being numb and swollen), I got more than a couple of odd stares. I laughed to think how pathetic I looked limping around not because I had torn a ligament or fractured a bone or anything that could remotely be deemed a worthy injury. No, I just had a silly little toe infection caused by a tiny, tiny piece of nail that was pushing through where it was not supposed to go.
Perhaps I'm being a little over dramatic about my whole visit to the doctors, and perhaps I'm just digging for something to say since I haven't been keeping up with my writing quite like I should. Ha! I imagine myself reading this post in a year or so and being completely embarrassed by my own foolishness, but at least I will have grown enough to recognize it from this point! I guess my point is that this year, I have been made uncomfortable and irritated, bitter and angry, tired and worn-out, broken and weary... and I didn't understand what was going on. I felt different. I felt like not myself, like there was something wrong with me. And it took crawling on my hands and knees before God to realize that there were some things that I needed to get rid of. Some things that I needed Him to remove.
And this is how I would sum up my year. It has been nothing that I expected it to be, and there have been some wonderful, wonderful moments that I have had the privilege to be a part of. Yet there is also a present recognition that this year was probably not all that it was supposed to be because I was not willing to let God cut out the irritants in my life until now.
So, here I am, God. Those things which You see that are not holy or honoring to Your name, remove them from my person. I am scared and I know that this process will be uncomfortable and painful. But there is nothing I can do on my own to get well again. I need You. I trust in Your healing. Thank You, Lord, for concerning Yourself with me and for bringing to my attention things that I have brought into my life that should not be there. Your righteousness and your grace astound me. You are an awe-inspiring God, and I love that I get to have an intimate relationship with You.
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." -Luke 5:32
I went to the doctor this past week for a toe infection. (I've considered not writing this out of embarrassment, but what shame do I have? None.) If you're eating, or you squirm at yucky things, this is your warning not to continue reading this post. Basically, I had an ingrown nail that was irritating the skin around it. Over the course of three days, my toe had become very red and tender and even began bleeding. (Maybe these are things I shouldn't share in public.) So, after I called my mother, I went to the doctor to see what they could do about my toe. After closely examining my foot, the doctor told me he was going to have to cut out the part of my nail that was causing the infection. It took the doctor awhile to go gather his supplies and to visit other patients, so I used my time alone on the paper-covered chair to consider this nearly-ended academic year. As I did, I came to the conclusion that God has been my doctor this year. I've said in previous posts that this has been a difficult year, and it has, but I think that I have finally realized that this year has been difficult not because of things that were going on around me, but things that were going on inside of me. I had an infection caused by some things that were not supposed to be in my life, and they were causing me a lot of pain. This year has been a long visit at the doctor's office, and the diagnosis is that I am not well. There is some fixing that needs to take place in my life.
My mom said once, "Surgery doesn't feel good at the time." I remember hearing her say this and thinking how profound that statement was, and this year I have lived it out. When the doctor came back, he had a syringe in his hand filled with liquid that would numb my toe while he used not one, but two pairs of scissors to dig out the irritant from my bleeding foot. When he was done, my toe looked awful. It was at least two times its normal size, and what wasn't covered and smeared in blood was stained brown by the iodine that he used to clean my toe before injecting it. It wasn't a pretty sight, and as I limped out of the office (my toes now being numb and swollen), I got more than a couple of odd stares. I laughed to think how pathetic I looked limping around not because I had torn a ligament or fractured a bone or anything that could remotely be deemed a worthy injury. No, I just had a silly little toe infection caused by a tiny, tiny piece of nail that was pushing through where it was not supposed to go.
Perhaps I'm being a little over dramatic about my whole visit to the doctors, and perhaps I'm just digging for something to say since I haven't been keeping up with my writing quite like I should. Ha! I imagine myself reading this post in a year or so and being completely embarrassed by my own foolishness, but at least I will have grown enough to recognize it from this point! I guess my point is that this year, I have been made uncomfortable and irritated, bitter and angry, tired and worn-out, broken and weary... and I didn't understand what was going on. I felt different. I felt like not myself, like there was something wrong with me. And it took crawling on my hands and knees before God to realize that there were some things that I needed to get rid of. Some things that I needed Him to remove.
And this is how I would sum up my year. It has been nothing that I expected it to be, and there have been some wonderful, wonderful moments that I have had the privilege to be a part of. Yet there is also a present recognition that this year was probably not all that it was supposed to be because I was not willing to let God cut out the irritants in my life until now.
So, here I am, God. Those things which You see that are not holy or honoring to Your name, remove them from my person. I am scared and I know that this process will be uncomfortable and painful. But there is nothing I can do on my own to get well again. I need You. I trust in Your healing. Thank You, Lord, for concerning Yourself with me and for bringing to my attention things that I have brought into my life that should not be there. Your righteousness and your grace astound me. You are an awe-inspiring God, and I love that I get to have an intimate relationship with You.
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." -Luke 5:32
Friday, March 9, 2012
If I could summarize what God has been teaching me the past few months in one phrase, it would be "Grow up." Usually, when someone says this, it's with a sarcastic tone, probably with a rolling of the eyes. I hope that God would show more patience with me than that, though. There seems to be a lot of areas of my life that God is revealing to me that I need to act more maturely in. And it has not been easy. In fact, it's been a lot of fighting with myself and the desire to kick and scream and stomp and say, "No! I don't want to grow up! I don't want to act mature! I want to do what I want to do! I want to hold on to my grudge! I want people to feel sorry for me! I want to be recognized and taken care of! I, I, I! Me, me, me!" And yet, God has calmly and patiently guided me to recognize that, indeed, I need to grow up and act mature. I cannot act like a child anymore.
One area that I have found myself returning to over and over again most recently is forgiveness. Never before has it been such a battle to let things go! Or, perhaps never before have I been willing to battle. Either way, it is not an easy fight. I think the hardest part has been discerning what I am allowed to feel and I really do need to let go of. Because, honestly, I want to feel bitter and angry and wronged. I want people to know that I hurt. How could it possibly be fair to just drop things and move on!? And yet, that seems to be exactly what God says to do. I keep telling Him over and over again, "But, God! This isn't fair! Why should I be the bigger person!? My feelings were hurt, too! Can't I just hold onto this for a little while longer!?" But His response is the same every. single. time. "Elizabeth, remember what I did for you? Remember how I forgave? How many times have you disobeyed Me, blasphemed Me, disowned Me, wronged Me? And did I hold on to a grudge? When you came and apologized, did I reject your words because it wasn't fair? No. I accepted your sincerity of heart, I took you back, and I said, 'let's move forward from here.'" Dang it. I know He's right, but it doesn't make it any easier a lesson to learn. I guess that's why I'm so frustrated with myself. God has forgiven me of so much, and here I am struggling to forgive the littlest of wrongs.
In class a couple of weeks ago, we were examining the recorded prayers of Christ in the New Testament. After being betrayed my one of his closest followers, unjustly tried, beaten until he was unrecognizable, mocked, and nailed to a cross to die, it is recorded in Luke 23:34 that Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." Forgive them? The God-Man was asking His Father to forgive them!? After reading this verse, my professor wisely stated that, "the key to forgiveness is identification with Christ." If Jesus, who has done no wrong was able to forgive the greatest wrong ever committed, how much more so should I, then, as someone who deserves at least some wrong, be willing to forgive someone else? Gah! So true, but so hard!
Recently, I was studying the word "philos," or "friend" in the New Testament. More specifically, I was studying Jesus as a friend. It was a really interesting study. John 15:13 is probably a pretty familiar verse to many of us. In it, Jesus says, "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." I think , a lot of times, we almost use this verse out of context. We say, "I am a friend of God!" (which I don't think we would say so casually upon reading verse 14) and we almost take it as an encouragement that Jesus thinks so highly of us. But, on further study, I think we should instead be convicted that Jesus would think so highly of us. Another popularly quoted scripture is Romans 5:8. I can't believe, though, that we don't include verses 6 and 7 with it! I'm not sure if I've talked about these verses before, but they're just so good, so even if I have, let's read them again: "For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." When Christ died for me, I wasn't His friend. I was His enemy! I was completely against Him! And still, as John 15 says, He loved me with the greatest love a friend could have.
I guess the reason I am sharing these passages is because, recently, I've struggled to forgive those who I love. Those people who I consider my friends. And yet, Christ was willing to love and forgive me even when I was His enemy. Again, the key to love and forgiveness is identification with Christ. I hate that I have had such a hard time with this. I feel so silly struggling to forgive when Christ forgave so much more than I will ever have to. I don't want to grow up. But, knowing Christ and the length that He went through so that I could have a restored relationship with Him, I am compelled to.
One area that I have found myself returning to over and over again most recently is forgiveness. Never before has it been such a battle to let things go! Or, perhaps never before have I been willing to battle. Either way, it is not an easy fight. I think the hardest part has been discerning what I am allowed to feel and I really do need to let go of. Because, honestly, I want to feel bitter and angry and wronged. I want people to know that I hurt. How could it possibly be fair to just drop things and move on!? And yet, that seems to be exactly what God says to do. I keep telling Him over and over again, "But, God! This isn't fair! Why should I be the bigger person!? My feelings were hurt, too! Can't I just hold onto this for a little while longer!?" But His response is the same every. single. time. "Elizabeth, remember what I did for you? Remember how I forgave? How many times have you disobeyed Me, blasphemed Me, disowned Me, wronged Me? And did I hold on to a grudge? When you came and apologized, did I reject your words because it wasn't fair? No. I accepted your sincerity of heart, I took you back, and I said, 'let's move forward from here.'" Dang it. I know He's right, but it doesn't make it any easier a lesson to learn. I guess that's why I'm so frustrated with myself. God has forgiven me of so much, and here I am struggling to forgive the littlest of wrongs.
In class a couple of weeks ago, we were examining the recorded prayers of Christ in the New Testament. After being betrayed my one of his closest followers, unjustly tried, beaten until he was unrecognizable, mocked, and nailed to a cross to die, it is recorded in Luke 23:34 that Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." Forgive them? The God-Man was asking His Father to forgive them!? After reading this verse, my professor wisely stated that, "the key to forgiveness is identification with Christ." If Jesus, who has done no wrong was able to forgive the greatest wrong ever committed, how much more so should I, then, as someone who deserves at least some wrong, be willing to forgive someone else? Gah! So true, but so hard!
Recently, I was studying the word "philos," or "friend" in the New Testament. More specifically, I was studying Jesus as a friend. It was a really interesting study. John 15:13 is probably a pretty familiar verse to many of us. In it, Jesus says, "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." I think , a lot of times, we almost use this verse out of context. We say, "I am a friend of God!" (which I don't think we would say so casually upon reading verse 14) and we almost take it as an encouragement that Jesus thinks so highly of us. But, on further study, I think we should instead be convicted that Jesus would think so highly of us. Another popularly quoted scripture is Romans 5:8. I can't believe, though, that we don't include verses 6 and 7 with it! I'm not sure if I've talked about these verses before, but they're just so good, so even if I have, let's read them again: "For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." When Christ died for me, I wasn't His friend. I was His enemy! I was completely against Him! And still, as John 15 says, He loved me with the greatest love a friend could have.
I guess the reason I am sharing these passages is because, recently, I've struggled to forgive those who I love. Those people who I consider my friends. And yet, Christ was willing to love and forgive me even when I was His enemy. Again, the key to love and forgiveness is identification with Christ. I hate that I have had such a hard time with this. I feel so silly struggling to forgive when Christ forgave so much more than I will ever have to. I don't want to grow up. But, knowing Christ and the length that He went through so that I could have a restored relationship with Him, I am compelled to.
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