A couple of weeks ago, I went to Wednesday night church for the first time in a long time. It's been a busy semester, and I have enjoyed using my Wednesday nights to catch up on school work. Yet, this night I decided that I needed some spiritual refreshment and so made my way to church with my friends. However, what I found was far from refreshment. Instead, I gained restlessness and conviction and dissatisfaction, not with God, but with myself.

Walking in to church that evening, I had heard that we were holding a worship service. There would be no sermon, just music. I would like to note here that I am not all about emotions, especially when it come to spiritual matters. Don't get me wrong, I love feeling good and excited and happy about my relationship with God, and perhaps that was what I was looking for in going to church, but I have a very strong opposition to people who make irrational decisions based on what they feel at the time only to change their mind later. So, showing up to church that evening, I was a little bit cautious in what I would find in other people (is this judging and is it wrong?) as well as in myself. Yet still I think that I myself desire some emotional experience when I go to church. Why was I going in the first place? What was the "refreshment" that I wanted so badly? And as I stood there when the lights turned dim and the band began to play, it was like I was waiting for myself to begin feeling filled with joy and excitement. How foolish I feel now looking back on that moment. We were about ten minutes into the service when the band began playing a familiar tune and singing familiar words that I had sung so many times before, "Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing. Let mercy fall on me. Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior, the Hope of nations," and I began thinking, "What exactly to these words mean?" As I opened my eyes, I began reading the words from the screen, looking for their meaning. "Savior, He can move the moutnains. My God is mighty to save. He is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, You rose and conquered the grave. Jesus conquered the grave." As I looked around the sanctuary, there were so many people there dancing and singing and jumping and raising their hands, and all I could do was stand there. What were we doing!? How could we sing words with such ease and not consider what they mean for us? Everyone needs compassion. Everyone needs forgiveness.

So here are my thoughts, my heartache, on the matter that I realized that night: we have received such grace, such blessing, such forgiveness and salvation! And we sing about all of it with such passion and devotion! Yet then we leave and go about our business. We complain about our work load, we argue with people we don't agree with and gossip about people we don't understand. We walk into church looking for self-fulfillment, and we don't stop to think about what fulfillment we've already received. Yet, this is not all. We sing that everyone needs compassoin, but what are we doing to go beyond the compassion that we know and share it with everyone else who still needs it? I think this is where my frustration lies. I go to such a great school with so many resources handed to me, yet what am I doing except looking for my own selfish gain? Why am I not doing everything I can to invest in the lives of other people? Yet my pain is in knowing how. What am I supposed to do? How do I help? There is so much to do, and I don't know where to start or even how to start! What am I doing with my life? Does any of it mean anything? What purpose am I living for? Who am I living for? It is myself, or am I living for someone greater? I know that probably none of this makes sense. I am so sorry. It has been difficult for me to express exactly what I am still trying to process myself. That's why it's been several weeks since I have written anything out, but I still don't think that I've been able to capture everything that I have been thinking and feeling, and for that I apologize.

God, please show me what I am supposed to do. Why have you called me here? What purpose am I to serve? Show me, and I will follow. I am tired of living for myself. I want to live for You and fulfill Your purpose. Teach me how, Lord, because there is no way I can do anything of my own efforts.