Wednesday, February 5, 2014
I read this post this week about comics that this guy does of "Deep Dark Fears." The pictures and ideas of gouged out eye balls and cut off fingers are enough to make you cringe. Something that most people don't know about me is that I struggle with fear. It's actually a more recent struggle and I'm not sure why it has waited until now to manifest, but sometimes it's so overwhelming, it makes me physically sick. My mind gets so full of... stuff... thoughts... that I have to audibly argue myself out of thinking those things that are not true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Phil. 4:8). But sometimes fighting becomes so hard that fear starts to slip in and take over.
Some of my fears are silly, like being attacked by a bird while walking to class or dropping a hot iron on my bare feet. Some of my fears are a little more serious, but I think are relatable, like the fear of being alone, fear of making the wrong choices, fear of failure. Some of my fears, though, have been so ridiculous, so outrageous, and yet so crippling to my spirit. I fear finding out I can't have children or falling into depression after I do have children. I fear losing my ability to make rational decisions and going insane. I fear getting in a car accident, so much so that I consistently have nightmares about it. I fear going to sleep because then I can't control what my mind thinks about or what fears will manifest in my dreams. Fear has consumed my life! It suffocates me. It burdens me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It reminds me that I have no control and tells me that I will not be prepared for what may come. It busies my mind with what-if's. It steals attention away from joy and hope and gives it to anxiety and despair. I see my fear, and I recognize how irrational most of it is, how unhealthy it is, and I wonder how in the world I'm supposed to overcome it.
This year, in an effort to act less like a lazy bum, I've tried (tried being the operative word) to learn how to run. My routine consists of alternating between walking a quarter of a mile and then running the next quarter. Today, while on one of my walking-quarters, I thought about how much determination it takes to exercise. Even when you feel like giving up, you have to be willing to push further. You have to fight to keep going.
I do not possess this quality. (Actually, I think my exact thought this morning was "I would never make it on 'Biggest Loser.'") Exhaustion always does me in. When I don't feel like running anymore, I quit. When my mind becomes full of "stuff" and "thoughts," too often I give up and give in. But what does that leave me other than defeated? I think that what I've learned... what I'm learning is that I have to fight. I HAVE to fight! But how? What defense to I have against such strong, lethal weapons as fear and worry? Actually, I have the best defense ever. I have Truth. I have The Truth.
So what do I do when anxiety attacks? Well, there are several things:
1. I pray. I ask God to block such fears from entering my mind and poisoning my thoughts. I ask Him to fill me instead with His Word and His Spirit, which bring hope and joy and love and peace.
2. I speak truth. Sometimes I speak out loud. I repeat God's breathed-words. I tell myself to pause and consider what I know is true, not necessarily what I feel may be true.
3. I listen to truth. Sometimes I just have to pop in my ear buds and listening to edifying music, music that proclaims truth. I also take time to consider the truth which I have been taught in the past, whether through reading God's Word or through someone else's teaching.
4. I stop focusing on myself. When I think about myself, my circumstances, my future, then fear of the unknown, of the uncontrollable, starts to take over. So I force my attention toward the Lord, to what I know about His character, and to loving His people.
4. I drink tea. This has no spiritual significance. I just really like tea. It's like aromatic heart-warming calmness in a cup.
I know that am far from winning the battle over my fear. Even as I write this, I fight the urge to give in to my anxiety. But as I learn better how to rely on and depend on truth, I trust the Lord to bring victory. Even if it doesn't come as quickly as I want it to, I know that I must keep fighting. I cannot give up. I can't afford to give up.
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" -Psalm 56:3-4
"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid." -Psalm 118:6
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control." -2 Timothy 1:7
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." -1 John 4:18
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| http://deep-dark-fears.tumblr.com/ |
Some of my fears are silly, like being attacked by a bird while walking to class or dropping a hot iron on my bare feet. Some of my fears are a little more serious, but I think are relatable, like the fear of being alone, fear of making the wrong choices, fear of failure. Some of my fears, though, have been so ridiculous, so outrageous, and yet so crippling to my spirit. I fear finding out I can't have children or falling into depression after I do have children. I fear losing my ability to make rational decisions and going insane. I fear getting in a car accident, so much so that I consistently have nightmares about it. I fear going to sleep because then I can't control what my mind thinks about or what fears will manifest in my dreams. Fear has consumed my life! It suffocates me. It burdens me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It reminds me that I have no control and tells me that I will not be prepared for what may come. It busies my mind with what-if's. It steals attention away from joy and hope and gives it to anxiety and despair. I see my fear, and I recognize how irrational most of it is, how unhealthy it is, and I wonder how in the world I'm supposed to overcome it.
This year, in an effort to act less like a lazy bum, I've tried (tried being the operative word) to learn how to run. My routine consists of alternating between walking a quarter of a mile and then running the next quarter. Today, while on one of my walking-quarters, I thought about how much determination it takes to exercise. Even when you feel like giving up, you have to be willing to push further. You have to fight to keep going.
I do not possess this quality. (Actually, I think my exact thought this morning was "I would never make it on 'Biggest Loser.'") Exhaustion always does me in. When I don't feel like running anymore, I quit. When my mind becomes full of "stuff" and "thoughts," too often I give up and give in. But what does that leave me other than defeated? I think that what I've learned... what I'm learning is that I have to fight. I HAVE to fight! But how? What defense to I have against such strong, lethal weapons as fear and worry? Actually, I have the best defense ever. I have Truth. I have The Truth.
So what do I do when anxiety attacks? Well, there are several things:
1. I pray. I ask God to block such fears from entering my mind and poisoning my thoughts. I ask Him to fill me instead with His Word and His Spirit, which bring hope and joy and love and peace.
2. I speak truth. Sometimes I speak out loud. I repeat God's breathed-words. I tell myself to pause and consider what I know is true, not necessarily what I feel may be true.
3. I listen to truth. Sometimes I just have to pop in my ear buds and listening to edifying music, music that proclaims truth. I also take time to consider the truth which I have been taught in the past, whether through reading God's Word or through someone else's teaching.
4. I stop focusing on myself. When I think about myself, my circumstances, my future, then fear of the unknown, of the uncontrollable, starts to take over. So I force my attention toward the Lord, to what I know about His character, and to loving His people.
4. I drink tea. This has no spiritual significance. I just really like tea. It's like aromatic heart-warming calmness in a cup.
I know that am far from winning the battle over my fear. Even as I write this, I fight the urge to give in to my anxiety. But as I learn better how to rely on and depend on truth, I trust the Lord to bring victory. Even if it doesn't come as quickly as I want it to, I know that I must keep fighting. I cannot give up. I can't afford to give up.
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" -Psalm 56:3-4
"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid." -Psalm 118:6
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control." -2 Timothy 1:7
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." -1 John 4:18
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