Monday, July 23, 2012
I hope this is normal to admit, but sometimes I talk to myself. I know that most people make a comment here or there to themselves. I do that, too, but sometimes, particularly when I'm driving alone, I just like to talk out loud. There's something about putting things into words that helps to process and solidify your thoughts. This past weekend, I went home for a couple of days, which gave me three hours of talk time both on the way there and back (you'd be surprised how much I have to say to myself), and it was actually really beneficial.
This summer has been totally different than any other before it. My previous summers have been filled with people: children, families, friends, and many, many others. This summer, though, has been quite the opposite. Perhaps that's why I've taken up talking to myself... Most of my time is spent by myself, and it's really, really quiet. At first, this was a little difficult to get used to. I've come to appreciate my summer, though, as a time to quietly commune with the Lord and reflect on how He has changed my life thus far. I've especially been thinking about this past school year, as busy as it was, and what I have learned from it. This is what I was talking about this weekend on my drive home: what have I learned this past year? How have my decisions effected me, and where am I now? It wasn't until I talked through all of it (with myself) that I realized what a valuable lesson I have learned, and in an effort to make this lesson stick, I've decided to share it with you.
I've come to realize that, in the role of leadership, you are not immune to temptation to sin. In fact, I would argue that many leaders are more susceptible to temptation. This, of course, isn't true for all leaders, but it has certainly been true for me. Last year, I read the book by Beth Moore, When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. It was an eye-opening and valuable read, and it really exposed me to the seriousness of the battle between Spirit and flesh within a person. Without going into much detail, I myself struggled with sin this past year in a way that I have never struggled before, and I found myself losing often. I became very bitter and angry and hurt. I was so ashamed of the way I had let my sinful desires get the better of me, and I hated that I, as a spiritual leader, had become such a hypocrite. My guilt was great, and with so much guilt, how could I ever face a holy and righteous God? I couldn't. The humiliation was too much. So, instead, I tried something else. I thought that, if I could gain control of my actions and show conquest of my sin on my own, then I could return to the Lord. It would still be a humbling experience, but at least I could show the accomplishments of my own self-improvement. I knew that this wasn't the best or the right way to approach my sin, but my pride was too great to allow for another option. So, I tried cleaning up my own mess, but, try as I might, I just could not fix myself. Finally, I had to come to a point of such brokenness that I realized there was no way I could ever hope to succeed on my own.
Paul says in Romans 12:9 "Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good." I realized that I had been focusing on not doing bad when I needed to be focusing on what is good and true. So, instead of trying to fixing my sin, I began to pursue the Lord. I began to spend serious time with Him that I had not done in awhile out of shame. It was humiliating to come before Him. There was no room for any pride. And still, with all of my screw-ups, He showed me healing and victory that I could not have experienced if I had kept trying on my own. My victory over sin did not come through any of my efforts. It never would. Victory comes in and through Christ alone. Victory over sin and death is His and I am able to experience that victory in my own life only by pursuing Him, by holding fast to Him, by clinging to Him.
This next year, our hall leadership has decided to focus on the process of brokenness, surrender, and restoration. The title of our theme is "Sweetly Broken, Wholly Surrendered." As we go through the seasons of the year, we hope to highlight how these reflect back to how God works in us as we go through changes (fall) and hardships (winter), which lead to brokenness and surrender. When we experience brokenness and surrender before God, He allows us to experience newness of life (spring) and restoration in Him, and when we are restored to the Lord, we experience new joy and strength (summer). I didn't know at the time that we put our theme together how relevant it would be to my own life experiences. I know that the battle is still being fought and I cannot give up yet, but I also know who holds the victory and I have chosen to ally myself with Him. In Him I have strength to fight on, because I know that there is nothing in this world more valuable than what I already have: a relationship with the eternal, sovereign King.
This summer has been totally different than any other before it. My previous summers have been filled with people: children, families, friends, and many, many others. This summer, though, has been quite the opposite. Perhaps that's why I've taken up talking to myself... Most of my time is spent by myself, and it's really, really quiet. At first, this was a little difficult to get used to. I've come to appreciate my summer, though, as a time to quietly commune with the Lord and reflect on how He has changed my life thus far. I've especially been thinking about this past school year, as busy as it was, and what I have learned from it. This is what I was talking about this weekend on my drive home: what have I learned this past year? How have my decisions effected me, and where am I now? It wasn't until I talked through all of it (with myself) that I realized what a valuable lesson I have learned, and in an effort to make this lesson stick, I've decided to share it with you.
I've come to realize that, in the role of leadership, you are not immune to temptation to sin. In fact, I would argue that many leaders are more susceptible to temptation. This, of course, isn't true for all leaders, but it has certainly been true for me. Last year, I read the book by Beth Moore, When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. It was an eye-opening and valuable read, and it really exposed me to the seriousness of the battle between Spirit and flesh within a person. Without going into much detail, I myself struggled with sin this past year in a way that I have never struggled before, and I found myself losing often. I became very bitter and angry and hurt. I was so ashamed of the way I had let my sinful desires get the better of me, and I hated that I, as a spiritual leader, had become such a hypocrite. My guilt was great, and with so much guilt, how could I ever face a holy and righteous God? I couldn't. The humiliation was too much. So, instead, I tried something else. I thought that, if I could gain control of my actions and show conquest of my sin on my own, then I could return to the Lord. It would still be a humbling experience, but at least I could show the accomplishments of my own self-improvement. I knew that this wasn't the best or the right way to approach my sin, but my pride was too great to allow for another option. So, I tried cleaning up my own mess, but, try as I might, I just could not fix myself. Finally, I had to come to a point of such brokenness that I realized there was no way I could ever hope to succeed on my own.
Paul says in Romans 12:9 "Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good." I realized that I had been focusing on not doing bad when I needed to be focusing on what is good and true. So, instead of trying to fixing my sin, I began to pursue the Lord. I began to spend serious time with Him that I had not done in awhile out of shame. It was humiliating to come before Him. There was no room for any pride. And still, with all of my screw-ups, He showed me healing and victory that I could not have experienced if I had kept trying on my own. My victory over sin did not come through any of my efforts. It never would. Victory comes in and through Christ alone. Victory over sin and death is His and I am able to experience that victory in my own life only by pursuing Him, by holding fast to Him, by clinging to Him.
This next year, our hall leadership has decided to focus on the process of brokenness, surrender, and restoration. The title of our theme is "Sweetly Broken, Wholly Surrendered." As we go through the seasons of the year, we hope to highlight how these reflect back to how God works in us as we go through changes (fall) and hardships (winter), which lead to brokenness and surrender. When we experience brokenness and surrender before God, He allows us to experience newness of life (spring) and restoration in Him, and when we are restored to the Lord, we experience new joy and strength (summer). I didn't know at the time that we put our theme together how relevant it would be to my own life experiences. I know that the battle is still being fought and I cannot give up yet, but I also know who holds the victory and I have chosen to ally myself with Him. In Him I have strength to fight on, because I know that there is nothing in this world more valuable than what I already have: a relationship with the eternal, sovereign King.
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