Monday, September 16, 2013
Maybe it's just me, but it seems like lately social media has been buzzing with articles with opinions and advice about relationships. A recently popular article, written by a woman in her mid-twenties, describes the frustrations of young singles everywhere who feel pressured to move on to the next big thing. I must admit that I appreciated the honesty of this article in articulating what apparently millions of people are going through. However, I think that many people who shared the article did so pointing a finger at those pressuring them without considering the three fingers pointed back at themselves. Yes, perhaps people need to realize that the things they say, even jokingly, can cause pain and anxiety. But I can say for myself, reading this article made it very easy to become more bitter and frustrated with those situations and people that I feel pressure me instead of working on my own attitude toward my current circumstances.
So, I've decided to write something a little different than what I usually do. Instead of sharing what I'm learning about my relationship with God, I want to share with you what I have learned about relationships with other people. I have to admit that my relationship experience is severely lacking. And by that, I mean I have none. That's right. I'm in my early/mid twenties, and I've never been in a relationship. But that doesn't mean I haven't learned a few things. I have learned so much that is so relevant to those who feel inadequate, incomplete or under pressure without a significant other. Yes, people say things that make us feel bad, but we choose to believe things about relationships that just aren't true! We need to carefully evaluate what we think about relationships, separate the truths from the lies, and do some major readjustments in our attitudes. So here is a list of the lies we believe about relationships and what we need to do to change our thinking:
Lie #1: God will give you the desires of your heart.
Ok, so this is kind of biblical, but perhaps not in the way I've heard it applied. I cannot tell you how many times someone has told me that, if I want a family someday, God will give it to me. But I can tell you there are plenty of things that I desire in my heart that do not align with what God wants.
What needs to change: Delight in God. When I delight in something, when I enjoy it and take pleasure in it, it becomes my desire. When I delight in ice cream, I want more ice cream. When I find pleasure in spending time with my friends, I want to spend more time with them. When I delight in the Lord, He becomes the desire of my heart and He changes my other desires. Sure, I desire a family someday to love and support, but it doesn't consume me like it could because I delight in the Lord.
Lie #2: I don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend because something is wrong with me. Of course something is wrong with all of us and that's why we need a Savior, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the belief that if you were better looking, thinner, more in-shape, smarter, more godly, more extroverted, more introverted, etc., you would be able to get a boyfriend/girlfriend. The reason you don't is because you aren't these things.
What needs to change: Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop it. Nobody wins when you compare yourself to other people. I remember complaining to my mom one time about how much smarter the other students in my class were and how intimidated and inadequate I felt. Her words back to me were, "There will always be someone better than you." It wasn't until then that I realized that comparing myself to other people was natural. I can't help it! It takes conscious effort to stop myself from seeing my own failings in light of the success of others. Sometimes I have to force myself not to look in the mirror a second time because I know it's only to point out my flaws. I have to choose to be content with not being the best at school or art or cooking or whatever. That doesn't mean I don't try to grow and become better. That's a part of maturing. But it does mean that I cannot blame my relationship status on my perceived shortcomings. If I am content with who I am in Christ, then I have no reason to worry that I don't have a boyfriend because I'm less than what I should be.
Lie #3: Being in a relationship will make me content. I believe the way Tom Cruise said it was, "You complete me." Wrong. Not only is this a lie, it's a dangerous lie. If we believe that the temptation to feel discontent goes away once we gain a significant other, we run the risk of letting our guard down and falling into greater sin when we do enter into a relationship.
What needs to change: Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Prov. 4:23). No person will ever "complete" you. Marriage is good. God created it good. But sin has made us fallen creatures, and even as renewed believers, we still fail. If you are not careful, you will feel the need to find satisfaction somewhere else or in another way. Do not let fleeting emotions guide your decisions, but consider the truth before taking action of any kind. And remember that true satisfaction comes from knowing the Lord.
Lie #4: Boys are stupid. Throw Rocks at them. Perhaps you don't actually think you should throw rocks at boys, but I'm sure at one time or another something along the lines of "Ugh! Why do boys have to be so dumb!?" has come out of your mouth.
What needs to change: Start seeing people as God's creations. I had this professor in college that made all 300 of her students look to the person to their right and left and tell them, "You are a beautiful creation of God!" every. single. class. It made it pretty hard to take a statement like that seriously in those circumstances. But in all honesty, we are missing out if we don't see people- all people- as creations of God. So stop viewing that boy as possibly a chance to get a date. Stop evaluating all the single guys in your class on their looks or smarts or abilities. If you shouldn't be viewed that way yourself, then neither should they. Instead, treat them like the human beings they are. When you do, you have a freedom to build friendships (within certain boundaries, of course). You allow them the opportunity to be themselves without pressure and you allow yourself the freedom not to worry about what they think of you or how you should act around them.
Lie #5: I'm lonely because I'm alone. Though you may feel alone, let me assure you, you are not. Unless you live on Mars or in Montana, there are people all around you, many of which are probably feeling the same way you do. The root of your loneliness is not your relationship status.
What needs to change: Invest in your other relationships. Of course, the first place to start is your relationship with God. Not only does God promise over and over again in His Word that He is with us, but He also says He understands our current circumstances. Hebrews says, "we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (4:15-16) We have a sympathetic Savior. He understands and He is with you. Take pleasure in knowing Him. But also spend time investing in relationships with people around you. Laugh and have fun. Be purposeful in your conversations about Jesus. Make true friends, not just the ones you say hey to in the grocery store, but those you text silly dog pictures to in the middle of the night and promise to pray for every day. You are not alone, and nothing defuses that lie more than building up good, solid relationships.
Of course this is not an exhaustive list of our misconceptions about relationships, but I think that when we have the correct views of ourselves, of our relationship with God, and our relationships with others, we are on a pretty good track to changing our own attitude about our current situations. Of course there are still times when I worry about not being in a relationship. But I know how to separate the lies from the truth and reminding myself of truth calms my anxious heart and fills me with peace and joy in my circumstances, whatever they may be.
So, I've decided to write something a little different than what I usually do. Instead of sharing what I'm learning about my relationship with God, I want to share with you what I have learned about relationships with other people. I have to admit that my relationship experience is severely lacking. And by that, I mean I have none. That's right. I'm in my early/mid twenties, and I've never been in a relationship. But that doesn't mean I haven't learned a few things. I have learned so much that is so relevant to those who feel inadequate, incomplete or under pressure without a significant other. Yes, people say things that make us feel bad, but we choose to believe things about relationships that just aren't true! We need to carefully evaluate what we think about relationships, separate the truths from the lies, and do some major readjustments in our attitudes. So here is a list of the lies we believe about relationships and what we need to do to change our thinking:
Lie #1: God will give you the desires of your heart.
Ok, so this is kind of biblical, but perhaps not in the way I've heard it applied. I cannot tell you how many times someone has told me that, if I want a family someday, God will give it to me. But I can tell you there are plenty of things that I desire in my heart that do not align with what God wants.
Lie #2: I don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend because something is wrong with me. Of course something is wrong with all of us and that's why we need a Savior, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the belief that if you were better looking, thinner, more in-shape, smarter, more godly, more extroverted, more introverted, etc., you would be able to get a boyfriend/girlfriend. The reason you don't is because you aren't these things.
Lie #3: Being in a relationship will make me content. I believe the way Tom Cruise said it was, "You complete me." Wrong. Not only is this a lie, it's a dangerous lie. If we believe that the temptation to feel discontent goes away once we gain a significant other, we run the risk of letting our guard down and falling into greater sin when we do enter into a relationship.
Lie #4: Boys are stupid. Throw Rocks at them. Perhaps you don't actually think you should throw rocks at boys, but I'm sure at one time or another something along the lines of "Ugh! Why do boys have to be so dumb!?" has come out of your mouth.
Lie #5: I'm lonely because I'm alone. Though you may feel alone, let me assure you, you are not. Unless you live on Mars or in Montana, there are people all around you, many of which are probably feeling the same way you do. The root of your loneliness is not your relationship status.
What needs to change: Invest in your other relationships. Of course, the first place to start is your relationship with God. Not only does God promise over and over again in His Word that He is with us, but He also says He understands our current circumstances. Hebrews says, "we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (4:15-16) We have a sympathetic Savior. He understands and He is with you. Take pleasure in knowing Him. But also spend time investing in relationships with people around you. Laugh and have fun. Be purposeful in your conversations about Jesus. Make true friends, not just the ones you say hey to in the grocery store, but those you text silly dog pictures to in the middle of the night and promise to pray for every day. You are not alone, and nothing defuses that lie more than building up good, solid relationships.
Of course this is not an exhaustive list of our misconceptions about relationships, but I think that when we have the correct views of ourselves, of our relationship with God, and our relationships with others, we are on a pretty good track to changing our own attitude about our current situations. Of course there are still times when I worry about not being in a relationship. But I know how to separate the lies from the truth and reminding myself of truth calms my anxious heart and fills me with peace and joy in my circumstances, whatever they may be.
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