Moses and Me



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I was about to start my sophomore year in high school when God called me (to what... I haven't quite figured out yet). I grew up going to church and God saved me at a young age, but it wasn't until high school that I began to pursue the relationship I had with Him. And then, the summer after my freshman year, we went to youth camp. Yes, of all places to totally change my life, God chose youth camp. Every night after the evening worship service, there was a time of invitation. Kids came to know the Lord for the first time or rededicate their lives to Him or deal with some situation or sin in their lives. And after all that, they always gave an invitation that I thought was kind of strange for a youth camp where most of the kids didn't know Jesus at all: they gave an invitation to commit yourself to "vocational ministry" (basically, to become a pastor or missionary).

Though I had toyed with the idea of serving on the mission field, it wasn't something that I seriously considered. But, in that moment of invitation, something weird happened. I say weird because I don't know how else to explain it. It was like my heart was in my throat and in my stomach at the same time. I could feel my face getting all red and flushed. I am not typically driven by my emotions. I try to conduct myself through reason and logic. But this... this was different. I was physically burdened with the knowledge that I needed to respond. But I couldn't. How could I? I'm not made for mission work! I can't build relationships with strangers, let alone strangers in another country! So I fought it. I stayed, butt glued to the seat, head down, hands clenched, denying what I knew I was supposed to do. I went through the entire week of camp like this. There were things to distract me: games, break out sessions, time with friends... but I always came back to this moment every night. And then the last night of camp, as I braced myself to fight off what I knew was coming, I realized... "Elizabeth, if you want to continue in a right relationship with the Lord, you cannot ignore His calling!" So, against everything in me, with incredible fear, I stood up. I just stood up. That's all it took. And in that moment, I knew that I was not the commander of my own destiny anymore.

Why is this important? Because  yesterday I had my first freak-out of the semester. It usually happens at least once every semester that I panic and seriously question the choices I've made to pursue a calling I'm not equipped for. And yesterday, the first day of class, was that day.

Before yesterday, I had no interest in my international church planting class whatsoever (probably because I don't understand church planting). But listening my professor speak made me really excited to learn from him this semester. And then he began recounting stories of God's work through different missionaries and telling us how we should already be preparing for cross-cultural work now. As he continued teaching, fear started filling my mind. I thought, "Elizabeth, you fool! What in the world are you doing? You're not built for this kind of work! You're not a people person. You're not a language learner. You struggle and stumble over words all the time. You don't even openly share your faith with the people around you right now! Why have you invested all of this time into studying for something you can never succeed in?" There I was, sitting in class, questioning the direction I had chosen to take, all the decisions I had made to study and pursue what I thought was right, and then, my professor said what I've heard so many times before: "God does not call the equipped; He equips those He calls." And I thought, "You know, that sounds really good, and I'm sure that there's some biblical truth to it, but right now, I don't just feel ill-equipped, I feel inadequate and unqualified. I'm not a super Christian. I'm not even a good Christian. I'm just a selfish human being." When I got home that night, I thought through it all again, and how silly I must be to think I could ever do what I felt called to. "Lord," I prayed, "I will never be a Moses." And then I thought about Moses...

Moses. Who led the people of Israel out of Egypt and to the Promised Land. Who brought the law down from the mountain top and manna down from heaven, who had such an intimate relationship with God that his physical person was changed. Moses. He is someone who accomplished great things for God! And yet... this was the same Moses that killed a man and ran away to the wilderness to become a shepherd. The same man with a speaking problem. The same man who gave God excuse after excuse, reason after reason, why he was the wrong choice to lead the people of Israel. And then I realized... I'm exactly like Moses. (well... no, not exactly like him. God has not called me to lead a giant people.) I understand what it is like to question God's call. I sympathize with a speaking problem. I have sin that tarnishes my past as well. This great hero of the faith was just a man.

Moses said to the Lord, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to Your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue." The Lord said to him, :Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." But Moses said, "O, Lord, please send someone else to do it." -Exodus 4:10-13

I still fear what it is God is calling me to do. I have no idea what my future will look like. But I do know that God is good. And though I don't feel equipped, I know that I am called. If the Lord had called me any other way, I would have doubted it. And as terrifying and uncomfortable as it all is, it's also beautiful knowing that any success or victory that I have is not mine but the Lord's.