Losing Control

Remember when you first took the training wheels off your bike? Remember how difficult it was to learn to ride it? I know I was terrified. It was so new and there was so much to do and think about. You have to balance, you have to pedal, you have to steer, and you have to look where you are going... all at the same time! It was too much, and I just could not do it! Maybe sometimes you started going, but you were wobbling back and forth trying to gain control, and eventually you just wiped out. That's how I feel right now.

I've been back at school for four weeks, but it feels like it's been four months. There's been so many things that I am having to be held responsible for and I am trying to learn how to balance it, but I feel like I'm failing. I am a student. I am an employee. I am a leader. I am a roommate. I am a friend. I am a family member. I am a Christian. And I am losing my mind! How can I do all of this? Even when I am going, I feel like I'm wobbling around and am eventually going to crash.

I was trying to think of an analogy for the way I have been feeling most recently (Sometimes the only way I can express myself is through a reference to something completely different.), and I was putting together this picture of losing control while trying to learn to ride a bike, but there's one thing about my picture that I forgot: I never had control of the bike in the first place. My daddy did.

When I first learned to ride a two-wheel bicycle, I did not do it by myself. My daddy taught me. He told me what I needed to do and he helped me do it. My daddy held the back of my seat with one hand so that I would not fall, and with the other hand he held my handle bar to push me in the right direction. My heavenly Daddy is doing the same thing for me right now. I am not learning these new things on my own. God is teaching me to handle these new responsibilities. My Daddy is holding me to make sure I do not fall and guiding me in the direction I need to go. Though it's hard learning these new things and trying to keep track of everything at the same time and keeping up with all of my responsibilities, I know that my Daddy is with me and He is not going to let me fail.

God, May I never become so comfortable that I believe that I can ride my bike by myself, but may I always depend on You to guide me and push me. I cannot do this alone, and I don't want to. I want You to go with me. Go before me and behind me.

What I've Learned Over Break

At school I am surrounded by resources to help me grow in my relationship with God. I attend chapel three times a week, there's church on Sundays and Wednesdays, there are weekly prayer meetings and Bible studies, and even in class we're pushed to know God more. There are people everywhere who are growing and encouraging you to grow. When I come home, however, there are a lot fewer resources. Sure, my parents are great Christian leaders, and I still go to church, but really, there aren't many people and activities to help stimulate growth. It's just me, God, my Bible, and my prayer journal. Now that I've come to the last couple of days of break, I've tried looking back and seeing what it is God has taught me over the past month. At first, I was really worried that I hadn't learned anything, but after some thought, I realized that I learned and grew a lot.

It's been a tough year for me. Granted, it really hasn't been that tough, but for me it has. This past semester at school was so overwhelming with classes and work and leadership and responsibility. When I got home, it was so nice to just release that burden. But, you know when you're working out (I'm guessing here because working out is not something I do often... or hardly ever) and you're doing your crunches or lifts or running or whatever, and your whole body is aching, but you finally finish, and it's so satisfying to know you're done, but your body still aches and burns? That's how I felt. Still, I had a new burden to put on. My family has been going through some rough stuff. Being at school, I get to hear about it, but I'm not really a part of it. Being home just made it more real. So, still aching from the release of the past burden, I got to put on this new one and continue to feel overwhelmed. During this time, I realized how much more important it is to be disciplined. There were many days when I did not want to read my Bible. I just wanted to sleep or watch TV and vegetate on the couch and forget all of my worries. See, when I came to God, it meant that I had to talk about what was going on. I had to face my struggles and my fears and anxieties. I had to talk to Him about it and ask Him to do something about it, but I just didn't want to. I think really I just wanted to be lazy. Still, when I sought God anyways, I found a message much greater than all of my worries.

I've been trying to read through Exodus. The beginning of the book is quite exciting, but then you get to the part where God is giving Moses the law and instructions on how the tabernacle should be constructed and then Moses gives the artisans the instructions, and it's a lot of boring chapters and you just don't want to read it because it seems really irrelevant. Looking at the detailed instructions, though, made me realize how holy God is that He demanded such intricacy. He demanded the priests be cleansed. They must be made holy before coming before Him for the people. He demanded atonement for sins through sacrifice. He demanded everything for a specific purpose. Still, as holy as He is, He still desires the best for His people. God's presence rested over the tabernacle as a cloud in the day and as fire in the night. When His presence was lifted from above the tabernacle, it meant that the people were to leave where they were camped and continue traveling. He guided them wherever they needed to go. I still find it incredible to believe that God cares that much for us. We are a sinful people! Still, look at the relationship He had with Moses! Moses spent forty days on Mount Sinai with God. Exodus 33:11 says, "So the Lord spoke to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend." As great a relationship God had with Moses that He talked to Him as a friend, Moses was still a sinful man. When Moses asked to see God, God told him that he could not see His face because he would die. Still, God said He would put His hand over Moses's face, and then after He had passed, would uncover Moses's eyes and allow him to see His back. Oh, that I could see just the back of God! If God's hand would touch my face! When Moses came down from the mountain, his skin glowed. I can't imagine this, but I think it is such a neat picture of how influential our relationship with God should be upon the rest of our life. moses had to wear a veil around the camp and only remove it when he returned to speak with God on the mountain.

All of these things are tucked in between the "boring chapters." As I read all of this, I was reminded of how holy God is and how small and sinful we are, but how God has made a way for us to have a relationship with Him. Jesus came as the perfect atoning sacrifice for all sin. He is the High Priest, the One through whom we can reach God. Now, God's presence resides in us. He guides us through His Holy Spirit. We do know Him. We can talk to Him, and He speaks to us. His power dwells in us. Romans says that the Spirit that rose Christ from the grave is the same Spirit that we now have, and with the Spirit, the same power! Hallelujah!

So, in closing, though it hasn't been an easy break, and though I am fearful of taking on so much responsibility once again, I am reminded that God is sovereign, and that, no matter what is going on around me, I can have joy in knowing that I have an eternal relationship with Him. He is bigger and better than all of my problems, and through Him, I have the power to do whatever He wills in whatever I am given.

To Jesus Christ I Surrender All

So... my attitude recently has been pretty sour. I stumbled upon this song a couple of months ago and loved the message of it. I kind of forgot about it for awhile until tonight, and it really made me reevaluate where I was. I have surrendered all to Christ. He has saved me from the deepest pit, and now all that I have and all that I am belongs to Him. I trust You, Lord.

"The Wind" by Randall Goodgame
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZP1UOPENIEw

All Out of Love

Mary was chosen to carry Him.
Joseph was told what to name Him.
The inns rejected Him.
The manger cradled Him.
The shepherds came to marvel at Him.
The wise men came to worship Him.
King Herod tried to kill Him.
The church leaders came to listen to Him.
John was chosen to baptise Him.
The disciples were chosen to follow Him.
The Pharisees despised Him.
The crowds adored Him.
The broken were healed by Him.
The lost where found by Him.
Judas betrayed Him.
The Romans captured Him.
Pilot could find no fault in Him.
The crowds yelled, "crucify Him!"
The soldiers mocked Him.
Peter denied Him.
He said, "Father, forgive them."
The Romans guarded Him.
But they weren't strong enough to keep Him in.
Many saw Him.
Now He's ascended.
But I still know Him.
And I still love Him.
And someday I will see Him.
All because God sent Him--out of love.

God's Grace

As embarrassing as it is to admit, I do a lot of my thinking in the shower. It just seems to be a nice, convenient place to unwind and meditate on things. This morning, I was reminiscing on God's faithfulness in my life. I have come a long way in my relationship with Him. He has given me so much, and I am truly humbled to consider it. I grew up in a Christian home and was saved at a young age. For many years after that, though I have no doubt that I am a child of God, I struggled with the way God chose to change my life. I felt like my life didn't change much at all. I still went to church, I still memorized Bible verses, and life continued on as normal. I envied those who had a dramatic testimony of complete transformation from before they knew Christ to after receiving Him. Looking back on all of this in the shower this morning, I recognized something about God's grace: it is the perfect fit for everyone.

Sometimes, I think we view God's grace as too big for our sin. It is very easy for me to say, "There are a lot of people with a lot more, and I don't need to bother God with my sins." To put it more visually, we view God's grace as bulky, over-sized sweater. There's just too much fabric involved. There are bulges coming out everywhere, you can't even see your hands because the sleeves are too long, and it's just not attractive. You cannot wear this sweater. It was made for someone much larger than you. In the same way, we can believe that God's grace was made to cover people with bigger problems than our own. We are left naked and helpless.

Others of us, or perhaps we are the same people as before dealing with different sin, feel that God's grace is not big enough for what we are dealing with. Our problems are too large and embarrassing to God. We can view God's grace like a sweater that is too small. Try as we might to pull it over ourselves, we are left suffocating. It may cover most of you, but there is still plenty of skin left to cover. The skin tightness of the sweater does not hide much of what you were wishing to cover, nor does it allow you room to breathe. This sweater just doesn't fit right. In the same way, we can feel that God's grace will never cover all of the baggage we carry and will just suffocate us with more guilt of what we really look like.

Thank God that His grace is not like either of these! God's grace is the perfectly fitting sweater for every person no matter what size or shape. God's grace is great enough that it covers all of our sin and leaves us with no unwanted fabric or invisible hands. It is perfect enough that it doesn't leave us self conscious about what we are trying to hide underneath or what is still peeking out. His grace doesn't cut off the circulation in our arms because we tried to stretch it too thin, nor does it leave us even more weighed down with the heaviness of what we don't need. God's grace is exactly what we need. It covers every part that needs to be covered and covers it completely, and it is in His grace that we find perfect warmth and satisfaction knowing that we have been made attractive in His eyes.