Deep Dark Fears

I read this post this week about comics that this guy does of "Deep Dark Fears." The pictures and ideas of gouged out eye balls and cut off fingers are enough to make you cringe. Something that most people don't know about me is that I struggle with fear. It's actually a more recent struggle and I'm not sure why it has waited until now to manifest, but sometimes it's so overwhelming, it makes me physically sick. My mind gets so full of... stuff... thoughts... that I have to audibly argue myself out of thinking those things that are not true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Phil. 4:8). But sometimes fighting becomes so hard that fear starts to slip in and take over.

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Some of my fears are silly, like being attacked by a bird while walking to class or dropping a hot iron on my bare feet. Some of my fears are a little more serious, but I think are relatable, like the fear of being alone, fear of making the wrong choices, fear of failure. Some of my fears, though, have been so ridiculous, so outrageous, and yet so crippling to my spirit. I fear finding out I can't have children or falling into depression after I do have children. I fear losing my ability to make rational decisions and going insane. I fear getting in a car accident, so much so that I consistently have nightmares about it. I fear going to sleep because then I can't control what my mind thinks about or what fears will manifest in my dreams. Fear has consumed my life! It suffocates me. It burdens me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It reminds me that I have no control and tells me that I will not be prepared for what may come. It busies my mind with what-if's. It steals attention away from joy and hope and gives it to anxiety and despair. I see my fear, and I recognize how irrational most of it is, how unhealthy it is, and I wonder how in the world I'm supposed to overcome it.

This year, in an effort to act less like a lazy bum, I've tried (tried being the operative word) to learn how to run. My routine consists of alternating between walking a quarter of a mile and then running the next quarter. Today, while on one of my walking-quarters, I thought about how much determination it takes to exercise. Even when you feel like giving up, you have to be willing to push further. You have to fight to keep going.

I do not possess this quality. (Actually, I think my exact thought this morning was "I would never make it on 'Biggest Loser.'") Exhaustion always does me in. When I don't feel like running anymore, I quit. When my mind becomes full of "stuff" and "thoughts," too often I give up and give in. But what does that leave me other than defeated? I think that what I've learned... what I'm learning is that I have to fight. I HAVE to fight! But how? What defense to I have against such strong, lethal weapons as fear and worry? Actually, I have the best defense ever. I have Truth. I have The Truth.

So what do I do when anxiety attacks? Well, there are several things:

1. I pray. I ask God to block such fears from entering my mind and poisoning my thoughts. I ask Him to fill me instead with His Word and His Spirit, which bring hope and joy and love and peace.

2. I speak truth. Sometimes I speak out loud. I repeat God's breathed-words. I tell myself to pause and consider what I know is true, not necessarily what I feel may be true.

3. I listen to truth. Sometimes I just have to pop in my ear buds and listening to edifying music, music that proclaims truth. I also take time to consider the truth which I have been taught in the past, whether through reading God's Word or through someone else's teaching.

4. I stop focusing on myself. When I think about myself, my circumstances, my future, then fear of the unknown, of the uncontrollable, starts to take over. So I force my attention toward the Lord, to what I know about His character, and to loving His people.

4. I drink tea. This has no spiritual significance. I just really like tea. It's like aromatic heart-warming calmness in a cup.

I know that am far from winning the battle over my fear. Even as I write this, I fight the urge to give in to my anxiety. But as I learn better how to rely on and depend on truth, I trust the Lord to bring victory. Even if it doesn't come as quickly as I want it to, I know that I must keep fighting. I cannot give up. I can't afford to give up.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" -Psalm 56:3-4

"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid." -Psalm 118:6

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control." -2 Timothy 1:7

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." -1 John 4:18

Moses and Me



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I was about to start my sophomore year in high school when God called me (to what... I haven't quite figured out yet). I grew up going to church and God saved me at a young age, but it wasn't until high school that I began to pursue the relationship I had with Him. And then, the summer after my freshman year, we went to youth camp. Yes, of all places to totally change my life, God chose youth camp. Every night after the evening worship service, there was a time of invitation. Kids came to know the Lord for the first time or rededicate their lives to Him or deal with some situation or sin in their lives. And after all that, they always gave an invitation that I thought was kind of strange for a youth camp where most of the kids didn't know Jesus at all: they gave an invitation to commit yourself to "vocational ministry" (basically, to become a pastor or missionary).

Though I had toyed with the idea of serving on the mission field, it wasn't something that I seriously considered. But, in that moment of invitation, something weird happened. I say weird because I don't know how else to explain it. It was like my heart was in my throat and in my stomach at the same time. I could feel my face getting all red and flushed. I am not typically driven by my emotions. I try to conduct myself through reason and logic. But this... this was different. I was physically burdened with the knowledge that I needed to respond. But I couldn't. How could I? I'm not made for mission work! I can't build relationships with strangers, let alone strangers in another country! So I fought it. I stayed, butt glued to the seat, head down, hands clenched, denying what I knew I was supposed to do. I went through the entire week of camp like this. There were things to distract me: games, break out sessions, time with friends... but I always came back to this moment every night. And then the last night of camp, as I braced myself to fight off what I knew was coming, I realized... "Elizabeth, if you want to continue in a right relationship with the Lord, you cannot ignore His calling!" So, against everything in me, with incredible fear, I stood up. I just stood up. That's all it took. And in that moment, I knew that I was not the commander of my own destiny anymore.

Why is this important? Because  yesterday I had my first freak-out of the semester. It usually happens at least once every semester that I panic and seriously question the choices I've made to pursue a calling I'm not equipped for. And yesterday, the first day of class, was that day.

Before yesterday, I had no interest in my international church planting class whatsoever (probably because I don't understand church planting). But listening my professor speak made me really excited to learn from him this semester. And then he began recounting stories of God's work through different missionaries and telling us how we should already be preparing for cross-cultural work now. As he continued teaching, fear started filling my mind. I thought, "Elizabeth, you fool! What in the world are you doing? You're not built for this kind of work! You're not a people person. You're not a language learner. You struggle and stumble over words all the time. You don't even openly share your faith with the people around you right now! Why have you invested all of this time into studying for something you can never succeed in?" There I was, sitting in class, questioning the direction I had chosen to take, all the decisions I had made to study and pursue what I thought was right, and then, my professor said what I've heard so many times before: "God does not call the equipped; He equips those He calls." And I thought, "You know, that sounds really good, and I'm sure that there's some biblical truth to it, but right now, I don't just feel ill-equipped, I feel inadequate and unqualified. I'm not a super Christian. I'm not even a good Christian. I'm just a selfish human being." When I got home that night, I thought through it all again, and how silly I must be to think I could ever do what I felt called to. "Lord," I prayed, "I will never be a Moses." And then I thought about Moses...

Moses. Who led the people of Israel out of Egypt and to the Promised Land. Who brought the law down from the mountain top and manna down from heaven, who had such an intimate relationship with God that his physical person was changed. Moses. He is someone who accomplished great things for God! And yet... this was the same Moses that killed a man and ran away to the wilderness to become a shepherd. The same man with a speaking problem. The same man who gave God excuse after excuse, reason after reason, why he was the wrong choice to lead the people of Israel. And then I realized... I'm exactly like Moses. (well... no, not exactly like him. God has not called me to lead a giant people.) I understand what it is like to question God's call. I sympathize with a speaking problem. I have sin that tarnishes my past as well. This great hero of the faith was just a man.

Moses said to the Lord, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to Your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue." The Lord said to him, :Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." But Moses said, "O, Lord, please send someone else to do it." -Exodus 4:10-13

I still fear what it is God is calling me to do. I have no idea what my future will look like. But I do know that God is good. And though I don't feel equipped, I know that I am called. If the Lord had called me any other way, I would have doubted it. And as terrifying and uncomfortable as it all is, it's also beautiful knowing that any success or victory that I have is not mine but the Lord's.

Freedom from Shame

Most, I would assume, are familiar with the story of the Samaritan woman, so I'm not going to summarize it for you. If you aren't familiar with it or need a refresher, you're going to have to go back and read it yourself. There's a ton of interesting tid-bits to gain from this pericope (It's pronounced per-ick-oh-pee. Thank you, seminary.) For example, Jesus spoke with a woman. This isn't the first time or the last time Jesus involved women in His ministry, and John records many of the accounts of Jesus' interaction with women. I have to confess that, as a Christian woman, I'm sometimes embarrassed about how we reach out to other women. We've created this subculture of women's study Bibles (what is that?) and ladies' teas where we talk about "taming the tongue" and understanding our emotions. I don't think these things are inherently bad, but I do wish we valued the theological training of women a little more. And though I tend to roll my eyes at such events and curriculum, I appreciate the effort to teach Christian women how to be Christian women, because it's not easy. We live in a culture that says that men and women should play the same roles in the home, in the workplace, and in the church. And we read a Bible that says that women should submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22) and not have authority over men (1 Timothy 2:12). What are we to believe? (note: As Christians, our final authority is always Scripture.) People often attack Christianity for not valuing women, and I don't deny that historically women have been treated unfairly. However, what I see in this story is a Savior who is concerned for and who takes time to care for a woman, against the social laws of the time. Though we may play different roles (I absolutely believe this is God's intention), God values both man and woman, and His care for the "weaker sex" can be seen even in asking this particular woman for a drink.

Also, I love what happens later in the chapter after the woman runs into town to tell everyone that she's met the Messiah. John says that many came to know Jesus, and they said to the woman, "we no longer believe just because of what you have said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world" (v.42). Wooh! Praise the Lord! Reading that just makes me want to stand up and do a little jig! I just think this is such a beautiful picture for us of what missions should look like. The woman went into the town, telling everyone about the man who changed her life, but she also brought them to where they could meet Him for themselves, and then their lives were changed, too! How stinkin' cool! As excited and encouraged as I become reading about Jesus talking with this woman and about the rest of the town coming to know Jesus as well, I think the most valuable thing I took away from my study was about shame.

This woman knew shame. Like, she knew shame. What we know about the Samaritan woman from her conversation with Jesus is that she was living with a man she was not married to, and that she had previously been married to five other men. Not only was she a woman, socially inferior to man, and not only was she a Samaritan, a "half-breed" looked down upon by Jews, she was also an adulterer, rejected by her own community. She was so covered in shame that she came to draw water from the community well in the middle of the day so as not to have to face the looks and whispers from others. So imagine her shock when a Jewish man asks her for a drink! Jesus uses this moment at the well to begin talking about the water that He can give her, much better and greater than the water she is drawing from Jacob's well. But what this woman doesn't understand is that Jesus isn't really talking about water anymore. Jesus says to her, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up into eternal life" (v.13-14). That's some pretty powerful stuff! And although the woman doesn't truly understand Jesus' meaning, what she does understand is that she won't have to return to this well in shame anymore. She says, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water" (v.15). For the Samaritan woman, the solution to her shame was to stay hidden. If Jesus would just give her this water, she would never have to leave her home to travel to this well again. She wouldn't have to face the judging stares and sneers of others, she wouldn't have to face the humiliation of the choices she had made. She would be free! Or would she be?

How often do I handle my sin and shame the same way? If I could just find a way to avoid it, to stuff it in the corner, to hide from it, then all will be better. Out of sight, out of mind, right? But I know better than that. Sweeping the dirt under the rug does not make the floor clean, as much as I want it to. But Jesus wasn't trying to give her a carpet to sweep her shame under. He wanted to sweep that shame right out of the door! And that is exactly what happened. This woman didn't run back into hiding after she met with Jesus. She ran into town, telling the very people she was previously ashamed to face about the man who changed her life. This is freedom in Christ!

So what does this mean for me? Well, I think it means I need to pick up the rug I've been piling my shame under. I need to bring all my dirt to feet of God. Hebrews 4 says that, because we have such a High Priest as Jesus, we can come boldly to the throne of grace, and that there we will find grace and mercy in our time of need. Though it's difficult to admit, I tend to identify more with Jonah, who ran and hid at the bottom of a ship when he disobeyed God, or with David, who thought that, after killing Uriah, no one would discover his secret sin with Bathsheba. But true freedom comes not in hiding or running away from or covering up my secrets but in exposing them before a holy God and humbly accepting the cup of grace He has offered me. So, shame, be gone! You are no longer my master. You no longer direct my steps. I have accepted a drink from the Savior and my life now overflows with grace and peace and freedom. He has made my life full, and you, o shame, have no home here in my heart!

The Lies We Believe

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like lately social media has been buzzing with articles with opinions and advice about relationships. A recently popular article, written by a woman in her mid-twenties, describes the frustrations of young singles everywhere who feel pressured to move on to the next big thing. I must admit that I appreciated the honesty of this article in articulating what apparently millions of people are going through. However, I think that many people who shared the article did so pointing a finger at those pressuring them without considering the three fingers pointed back at themselves. Yes, perhaps people need to realize that the things they say, even jokingly, can cause pain and anxiety. But I can say for myself, reading this article made it very easy to become more bitter and frustrated with those situations and people that I feel pressure me instead of working on my own attitude toward my current circumstances.

So, I've decided to write something a little different than what I usually do. Instead of sharing what I'm learning about my relationship with God, I want to share with you what I have learned about relationships with other people. I have to admit that my relationship experience is severely lacking. And by that, I mean I have none. That's right. I'm in my early/mid twenties, and I've never been in a relationship. But that doesn't mean I haven't learned a few things. I have learned so much that is so relevant to those who feel inadequate, incomplete or under pressure without a significant other. Yes, people say things that make us feel bad, but we choose to believe things about relationships that just aren't true! We need to carefully evaluate what we think about relationships, separate the truths from the lies, and do some major readjustments in our attitudes. So here is a list of the lies we believe about relationships and what we need to do to change our thinking:

Lie #1: God will give you the desires of your heart.
Ok, so this is kind of biblical, but perhaps not in the way I've heard it applied. I cannot tell you how many times someone has told me that, if I want a family someday, God will give it to me. But I can tell you there are plenty of things that I desire in my heart that do not align with what God wants.

What needs to change: Delight in God. When I delight in something, when I enjoy it and take pleasure in it, it becomes my desire. When I delight in ice cream, I want more ice cream. When I find pleasure in spending time with my friends, I want to spend more time with them. When I delight in the Lord, He becomes the desire of my heart and He changes my other desires. Sure, I desire a family someday to love and support, but it doesn't consume me like it could because I delight in the Lord.

Lie #2: I don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend because something is wrong with me. Of course something is wrong with all of us and that's why we need a Savior, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the belief that if you were better looking, thinner, more in-shape, smarter, more godly, more extroverted, more introverted, etc., you would be able to get a boyfriend/girlfriend. The reason you don't is because you aren't these things.

What needs to change: Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop it. Nobody wins when you compare yourself to other people. I remember complaining to my mom one time about how much smarter the other students in my class were and how intimidated and inadequate I felt. Her words back to me were, "There will always be someone better than you." It wasn't until then that I realized that comparing myself to other people was natural. I can't help it! It takes conscious effort to stop myself from seeing my own failings in light of the success of others. Sometimes I have to force myself not to look in the mirror a second time because I know it's only to point out my flaws. I have to choose to be content with not being the best at school or art or cooking or whatever. That doesn't mean I don't try to grow and become better. That's a part of maturing. But it does mean that I cannot blame my relationship status on my perceived shortcomings. If I am content with who I am in Christ, then I have no reason to worry that I don't have a boyfriend because I'm less than what I should be.

Lie #3: Being in a relationship will make me content. I believe the way Tom Cruise said it was, "You complete me." Wrong. Not only is this a lie, it's a dangerous lie. If we believe that the temptation to feel discontent goes away once we gain a significant other, we run the risk of letting our guard down and falling into greater sin when we do enter into a relationship.

What needs to change: Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Prov. 4:23). No person will ever "complete" you. Marriage is good. God created it good. But sin has made us fallen creatures, and even as renewed believers, we still fail. If you are not careful, you will feel the need to find satisfaction somewhere else or in another way. Do not let fleeting emotions guide your decisions, but consider the truth before taking action of any kind. And remember that true satisfaction comes from knowing the Lord.

Lie #4: Boys are stupid. Throw Rocks at them. Perhaps you don't actually think you should throw rocks at boys, but I'm sure at one time or another something along the lines of "Ugh! Why do boys have to be so dumb!?" has come out of your mouth.

What needs to change: Start seeing people as God's creations. I had this professor in college that made all 300 of her students look to the person to their right and left and tell them, "You are a beautiful creation of God!" every. single. class. It made it pretty hard to take a statement like that seriously in those circumstances. But in all honesty, we are missing out if we don't see people- all people- as creations of God. So stop viewing that boy as possibly a chance to get a date. Stop evaluating all the single guys in your class on their looks or smarts or abilities. If you shouldn't be viewed that way yourself, then neither should they. Instead, treat them like the human beings they are. When you do, you have a freedom to build friendships (within certain boundaries, of course). You allow them the opportunity to be themselves without pressure and you allow yourself the freedom not to worry about what they think of you or how you should act around them.

Lie #5: I'm lonely because I'm alone. Though you may feel alone, let me assure you, you are not. Unless you live on Mars or in Montana, there are people all around you, many of which are probably feeling the same way you do. The root of your loneliness is not your relationship status.

What needs to change: Invest in your other relationships. Of course, the first place to start is your relationship with God. Not only does God promise over and over again in His Word that He is with us, but He also says He understands our current circumstances. Hebrews says, "we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (4:15-16) We have a sympathetic Savior. He understands and He is with you. Take pleasure in knowing Him. But also spend time investing in relationships with people around you. Laugh and have fun. Be purposeful in your conversations about Jesus. Make true friends, not just the ones you say hey to in the grocery store, but those you text silly dog pictures to in the middle of the night and promise to pray for every day. You are not alone, and nothing defuses that lie more than building up good, solid relationships.

Of course this is not an exhaustive list of our misconceptions about relationships, but I think that when we have the correct views of ourselves, of our relationship with God, and our relationships with others, we are on a pretty good track to changing our own attitude about our current situations. Of course there are still times when I worry about not being in a relationship. But I know how to separate the lies from the truth and reminding myself of truth calms my anxious heart and fills me with peace and joy in my circumstances, whatever they may be.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Faithful. We use that word a lot in the church. We use it in songs, in prayers, in sermons and Sunday School lessons. But it's a word that I've gained new perspective in recently, and I'm so excited to share with you what God has pressed on my heart.

 Recently, there's been a lot of articles popping up on social media (maybe it's just in my circle of friends) about relationships: modesty, lust, biblical manhood and womanhood, what's appropriate for dating, what's appropriate for marriage, and so on. It's like relationship advice overload. Divorce and separation has also been something that has come up a lot recently in conversation with my friends. I know that sounds kind of strange, but I've had several discussions recently about what would be appropriate grounds breaking up with someone or for divorce. The Pharisees asked Jesus this question in Matthew 19: "Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?" Jesus told them that God created man and woman to come together and become one flesh, not to be separated, but that, because of the sinfulness of man, the Law of Moses was given that "whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery." So, it would seem and has been argued, that sexual immorality is proper grounds for divorce. But what level of sexual immorality? Jesus said during His Sermon on the Mount that whoever looks at a woman in lust has already committed adultery in his heart. In today's age, is pornography a valid reason for divorce? How many times do you try to mend the relationship with your spouse before you say enough is enough? Whether we have been directly affected by divorce or just know someone who has, I think we can all agree that all divorce is difficult and ugly. Jesus was right (duh.) when He said the law of divorce was created because of our sinfulness. We are fallen people. As believers, our relationships are meant to be reflections of God. Made in His image, we are able to do that, but fallen and sinful we do that imperfectly, and even our best relationships endure hardships and struggles.

So all of this talk about human relationships, what's good and what's bad and when is it OK to divorce led me to thinking about how God relates to us. As my friend and I were talking about divorce, Hosea's name was brought up. I love the testimony of Hosea. I would never want to be Hosea (Sorry, Man.) but I think his story is beautiful. I know that God called Hosea to marry Gomer as a message to the nation of Israel, but in His big picture, I think that we can celebrate God's faithful love not just to Israel, but to us as well. In my discussion about at what point do differences become irreconcilable, I wondered what it would be like to place my relationship with God in a completely human context. It would look a lot like the picture in Hosea. I am a wicked person. I struggle with sin daily, and too often sin wins. In my relationship with God, I am an adulterer. I am unfaithful. I play around and give my heart to others. If ours were merely a human relationship, there would be no question nor a lack of support for separation because of my infidelity. That breaks my heart. And yet, God, in His holiness and in His perfect goodness has remained faithful and loving, when all human reason would say to leave, to separate. He has stayed faithful to His promises, and I have been given a love greater than I could ever expect or imagine, greater than I could ever give anyone. The realization of God's complete faithfulness is extremely humbling. It's completely convicting. What possible response could I give to the One who has loved me so perfectly? Of course my response must be one of surrender. I imagine this picture of a woman, who ran away from home looking for something greater, something more exciting, because the words and lies of the world were so enticing, she became blind to the great care she had in her own home. She searches and searches for what she thinks will bring her greater fulfillment, but even the moments of pleasure pass and she is left unsatisfied and alone. She returns home dirty, bruised, and broken. Her strength is gone and she collapses at her husband's feet, weeping because of her shame. Surely he has the right to leave her, and no one would hold it against him if he did. But he picks her up, and holds her tightly in his arms as he quietly and gently washes off all of the mud and clay from her face, bandages her wounds, combs through her hair until all the tangles are gone, and dresses her in warm, clean clothes. He loves her and cares for her, despite her betrayal. That is our relationship with God. Though we have all we ever need, more than we could ever desire, we turn our hearts elsewhere looking for something greater, with this twisted idea of what love should be. Yet, even in our most shameful moments, He remains faithful not only to us, but to His promises and to His character. And the only proper response we can give is one of humility and surrender and imperfect love in return. What a lovely, beautiful God we serve.

Great is Thy Faithfulness, O God my Father.
There is no turning of shadow with Thee.
Thou changest not. Thy compassions, they fail not.
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hands hath provided.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside!