It's a Wonderful Life!

Merry Christmas, everyone! I know I’m a little late, but for all the preparation and excitement that goes into that one day a year, I think the season should last a little longer. (This is me trying to find an excuse for a late Christmas greeting. Is it working?) I love this time of year! I was trying to think about what my favorite part of Christmas break from school has been so far (because you know it’s a question you will be asked back at school), but I’ve enjoyed so much of it! The Christmas dinner, the decorations, the music, the movies and Christmas specials, the gifts, family time, playing in the snow (which we had this week!), hot chocolate and Christmas cookies, getting warm and cozy in some fluffy socks and pjs… ah! It’s all so wonderful! My absolute favorite Christmas movie of all times is It’s a Wonderful Life. For any poor unfortunate soul who hasn’t seen it, the movie centers around a man, George Bailey, who dreams of becoming an architect. George’s dad runs a small building and loan company, helping families in the small community of Bedford Falls. Through a series of events, George is unable to pursue his dream, but spends his life, to his frustration, continuing his father’s business. After an unfortunate mistake by his uncle and business partner, which would result in George’s arrest, he believes that his family and friends would be much better off if he were dead, and contemplates suicide. He is saved by his guardian angel, Clarence, who allows George to see what Bedford Falls and the lives of everyone he knows and cares about would be like if he had never been born. I don’t want to give too much away, but here is one of my most favorite clips of the whole movie:



That close up shot of the wide-eyed Jimmy Stewart is probably one of my favorites in the whole film (you have to admit, it's pretty awesome). Besides that, I love the message of the movie. George Bailey was a man with a plan. He was going to go to college, he was going to travel, he was going to build bridges and skyscrapers... but his life did not go according to his plan. Instead, he lived a humble life in a humble town making a humble living. Yet his legacy was huge! George Bailey might have been a nobody, but he was a nobody who made a difference. You know, sometimes I wonder what my life will look like in ten, twenty years. To be completely honest, I would love to be living in New England (I love the mountains, the fall colors, the snow...), being a stay at home mom, supporting my husband, maybe substitute teaching... yet my passion lies elsewhere. I long to worship God through serving a people who do not know Him. Honestly, I do not know where my life will be in ten or twenty years. Maybe I will be in New England, maybe in East Asia, maybe somewhere completely different. But, I hope, maybe a little selfishly, that I can have a legacy like that of George Bailey. Fictional character though he may be, his life was valuable to those he came into contact with. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I want to do all as a servant of others, bringing glory to the One who deserves it above all others.

God,
The way You organize people and events to bring Yourself glory amazes me. I don't know what Your plan is for my life, but I know that it is much better than my plan could ever be, and my desire above all else is to be Your vessel, changing lives for the better, no matter where I am. Make Yourself known to the nations. Use me as a part of Your plan to do so. I trust You.

Here I raise my Ebenezer

Well, I wish I had something missions minded or inspirational to say today. In fact, I haven't posted in over a week because I was waiting for inspiration. But, alas, I have found none and must continue on writing anyways. I know that I said in my last post that I was going to try to talk about money less, and this is still true, but I wanted to say thank you to all of you who have supported me, even just by visiting this blog! You have been a huge encouragement to me, and I am truly, incredibly blessed. You know, raising support is not an easy task. And while it's neat and exciting to hear about the amazing ways God is providing for people, you never really hear the stories about those who are struggling to raise support. That's me. It has been a struggle, and I don't mean to say that in search of pity, but to say that, even when we are struggling, be it with finances or another area of life, God is still good. He is always good. Even in my struggle, He is still good. I just wanted to share with you all today how God has been reminding me of His goodness and His gracious faithfulness recently.

Right now I am reading through 1 Samuel. This past week was really hard getting back into the groove of school and work and other responsibilities after having a whole week off for Thanksgiving. One morning, I was just so worn out and overwhelmed, I just had to cry to God for help, and He was so good to allow me to read through chapter 7. Before I share with you what God shared with me, let me give you the story leading up to this chapter:

Eli was the Judge over Israel at the time, and his sons, Hophni and Phinehas (Is that pronounced like Phineas, like Phineas and Ferb? Just wondering.) served as priests as well. However, while Eli followed the Lord, his sons did not. In chapter 4, Israel is in battle against the Philistines and losing. So, with the help of Hophni and Phinehas, they bring the ark of the covenant with them to help them in their fight against the Philistines. However, the opposite happens and the Philistines not only defeat the Israelites, but they take the ark of the covenant with them.

May I just add a side note here and say that when I read this chapter, I was really confused. When the Philistines heard that the ark had come to the Israelite camp, they were afraid of the power of Israel's God. Yet, God gave them victory over Israel. Why would God allow His image to be tainted? Couldn't He have come up with another solution in which Israel was punished for their disobedience AND where the Philistines were still awed by the power of God? But this was the best solution according to God, and reading on in chapters 5 and 6, my confusion was resolved. :)

So, after the Philistines brought back the ark with them, they set it in the temple of one of their gods, Dagon. When they came into the temple later, they found the statue of Dagon fallen on its face in front of the ark. They picked the statue back up, but it fell down again later, only this time, the arms and head had fallen off the body. The people of the city got tumors as well, and they all knew it was the wrath of the God to whom the ark belonged. The Philistines tried to pass the ark on to other cities, but no on wanted to take it. So, on the advice of their priests, they set the ark on a cart, attached two cows to the front of the cart, and the cart went, with no one to guide it, back to Israel. Wow. Talk about major statement of holiness from God! Wow.

So, finally, we've made it to chapter 7, which is what I really wanted to talk about. I have to add that by this time, Eli and his two sons had died and Samuel (the son of Hannah, who wept and prayed that God would give her a child and then dedicated him to God) was the priest and judge of Israel. For 20 years, the ark stayed in the city it had returned to, and, verse 2 says, "all the people of Israel mourned and sought after the Lord." Then, (I love this part) Samuel says to Israel, "If you are returning to Israel with all your hearts, then rid yourselves of the foreign gods and the Ashtoreths and commit yourselves to the Lord and serve Him only, and He will deliver you out of the hands of the Philistines." So that's exactly what the people did. They got rid of all of their idols and served God. The Israelites gathered together to repent and worship, but when the Philistines heard that the people of Israel were gathering together, they gathered to attack Israel once again. Samuel then cried out to God on Israel's behalf that He would protect them, and God created a great panic among the Philistines and the Israelites won. Well... God won, but He won for the Israelites.

So here is the part that I really wanted to get to: After all of this happened, this is what verse 12 says, "Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, 'Thus far has the Lord helped us.'" He named the stone (and the place, 4:1) "Ebenezer." Like, Scrooge? In church we sing the song, "Here I raise my ebenezer," but I always thought that it meant sacrificing yourself- the good, the bad, all of it. But that's not what the word means at all! The word "ebenezer" means "stone of help," and Samuel named it that because God had helped them. The words of the song connect a lot better to the second part "hither by Thy help I come" when we consider this meaning (the real meaning) instead.

These words could not have come to me at a better time not only as I struggle to raise support, but as the obligations of life can seem too much. God is my help. I can raise my stone of help, my ebenezer, to Him in praise and remembrance of how He has helped me in the past, but also as a cry from help in present trouble. And I can trust that He is good and He is faithful and I have help.

Thank you, Lord, for Your many blessings in my life that often go unrecognized. You are faithful to those who love You. I read the testimony of Your faithfulness in Your Word, but I also experience Your faithfulness in my own life. Please, God, do not fail me. Remain good as I know You will. Thank you for Your goodness and Your help. I trust in You. Grow me in my trust.

And My God Will Provide All Your Needs

"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus" -Philippians 4:19

These are the familiar words of Paul to the church in Philippi. The interesting thing about this passage is that the Philippians were the ones who were giving to Paul. Paul was in prison at the time that he wrote this letter. The Philippians were concerned for Paul and did what they could to help him. Paul wrote this letter to the church to thank them for their concern, but to encourage them not to worry, but to have joy! Let me share with you the verses surrounding this verse:

"I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. Yet it was good for you to share in my troubles. Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid again and again when I was in need. Not that I am looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your account. I have received full payment and even more; I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gift that you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen."

As I prepare for my team's trip to Southeast Asia this summer, my mind speeds through a list of worries and fears: What if I don't know what to do? What if I mess up? What am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to raise all of this money? This last one has been a big fear recently. Yet this passage was brought to my attention again and again.

I love competition. Sometimes, though, my competitive spirit gets the better of me, and I begin comparing myself to others in ways that are unfair to both them and me. As I've been stressing about raising money for my trip, it has been easy for me to look at others and see how quickly God is providing for them and get jealous that He has not provided for me in the same way. As selfish as it is, and as embarrassing as it is to admit, I quickly turn to God and complain. "Why is it always so difficult for me!? Can't you, for once, make it easy like everyone else?" How foolish it is for me to say such things to God. Really! And that is exactly what God told me: that I was being foolish. "This is not about you." What a reality check! God made it very evident that the purpose of this whole trip, even the preparation, even raising money, was to bring Him glory. If I was provided for quickly, it would be to His glory. If money came in more slowly, it was to bring Him glory. I realized that I had become so selfish in getting so caught up in raising money, that I forgot whose money it was to raise in the first place. I don't mean to be passive. Not at all! But I learned that I am not sovereign. I cannot control how I am provided for. Only God can do that.

That being said, I knew that I was still called to "do good to all" as I had opportunity (Galatians 6:10). As foolish as it sounds trying to raise money for my own trip, I knew that I had plenty of opportunity around me to be generous to others. I say this not to brag, but to share how good and gracious God is. As I learned to surrender what I thought was mine to God, He was so good to bless me in my area of need. I am so encouraged and humbled by those who desire to help me as I prepare for this trip. I don't mean to compare myself to the Philippians by any means, but I do have a new found appreciation for this passage. God is good, and I am so blessed to experience His goodness through the kindness of others.

I don't want this blog to become all about money, and I hope in the future to write about other things that God impresses on me, but I did want to take the time to share how He has blessed me so far and what I have learned from it and say thank you for your support and prayer. God is good. :)

Preparation for His Direction

Welcome to the new layout of my blog! I figured it was about time for a new look... and for a new post! Actually, there's a reason I've chosen this swanky new background. First, I thought it was an appropriate look in describing my search and discovery of the character of God. Secondly, I wanted to be able to express my passion for missions to you all. If you aren't familiar with my calling and passion, allow me to take a brief detour:

I have always had an excitement for missions. I remember having missionaries come in and speak to us during AWANAS and listening to them talk about the cultures they got to work with. To me, these people were heroes. I never, ever, in a million years thought that God would call me to the mission field. But that's exactly what He did. The summer before my sophomore year in high school I recognized and surrendered to God's calling.

So, I am studying to be an ESL teacher (English as a Second Language) with the hopes of teaching English overseas and using it as an opportunity to share God's love with people who have never heard it before. As I am studying TESL, I am also preparing for the mission field by making the most of my time and opportunities here and now. I do not want to be so caught up in looking toward the future that I miss out on my mission field at present. I want to build relationships with people and help them in their needs. I cannot sit back and talk about God's calling for my future without acting upon His calling for my present, and I know that as I take the opportunities He has given me now, I am learning and growing toward my calling for the future.

One opportunity God has given me at present is to take a trip to Southeast Asia this summer with an organization through school. I will get the chance to learn and grow with a group of students and leaders from school, all who have a passion to see people come to know God through Christ. While in SE Asia, we will be going to different colleges and universities and teaching conversational English to students there, all the while praying for opportunities to share the gospel with them. Like when preparing for any trip, my mind is crowded with questions and worries, but I am so excited to be able to serve my Lord in this way, and I can't wait to see what He has planned!

So, now that we've completed our detour route, I have decided to use this space to continue to write about what God is teaching me, but to include my growing process in preparing for missions, both toward my trip and past that. Hopefully this dusty site will see more posts and more traffic! I look forward to learning what God is teaching me and to share it with all of you!

PS: I would really appreciate your prayers and support as my team and I do prepare for our trip this summer. If you would like to find out more information about it or donate toward it, you can visit www.luglobal.com. Thanks!

How Great is Our God!

How great is God- beyond our understanding! The number of His years is past finding out. He draws up the drops of water, which distill as rain to the streams; the clouds pour down their moisture and abundant showers fall on mankind. Who can understand how He spreads out the clouds, how He thunders from His pavilion? See how He scatters His lightning about Him, bathing the depths of the sea. This is the way He governs the nations and provides food in abundance. He fills His hands with lightening and commands it to strike its mark. His thunder announces the coming storm; Even the cattle make known its approach. At this my heart pounds and leaps from its place. Listen! Listen to the roar of his voice, to the rumbling that comes from his mouth. He unleashes His lightening beneath the whole heaven and sends it to the ends of the earth. After that comes the sound of His roar; He thunders with His majestic voice. When His voice resounds, He holds nothing back. God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; He does great things beyond our understanding. -Job 36:26- 37:5

Tonight I was reminded of how great God is... actually, I was reminded that I could never know how great God is. The event was so... I don't even have a word (there probably is one; my vocabulary is just too small)... humbling? awe-inspiring? touching?... that I had to share it. Of course, I could never fully express what God reminded me tonight through my words, but I just have to share it in the best words I know how to.

My family and I spent the evening at a local minor league baseball game. It was so much fun! I love baseball and I love my family and it was great to be able to bring the two together. Nearing the end of the game, my mom mentioned that there were thunderstorms forecasted for the area as the breeze picked up. Yet, the rain did not start until after the game was won and the humble fireworks display had ended. It wasn't until we were in the car waiting for a spot in the line of exiting traffic that we began to see lightening, and the rain didn't begin falling until after we had driven away from the stadium. As we turned away from the other cars and down the winding, unlit country roads in the direction of our home, the rain became heavier and heavier until it was almost impossible to see much beyond the front of the car. That is, until the lightning struck. Almost every thirty seconds, the sky would light up and with it all of our surroundings would suddenly appear and then quickly disappear again. Though everything around us was pitch black and it seemed like our car was the only existence, there was so much around us that we were only made aware of when the lightening struck. And when it did strike, I was also made aware of how small I am. The sky expanded in the matter of milliseconds from nothing to something very grand and I was reminded of my minuteness under it's largeness. At yet, I was even more reminded of One even more grandiose than the sky which left me speechless.

God,
I am humbled by the fact that You in all of Your grandness- this word so tainted by our world does not even brush the hem of your being- would choose to concern Yourself we me in all of my ignorance and arrogance. Reveal Yourself to me in new ways everyday. I want to be completely soaked in the joy of knowing You. May I never lose the awe of knowing such a great God! You are great, and I love You in all of Your limitless greatness!

Opportunities Missed

Recently an old friend from elementary school sent me a facebook friend request. It was so neat to see how she was doing and to reminisce on old times and almost forgotten memories. Though growing up as a diva princess, there are a number of decisions, big and small, that I regret, after reconnecting with my friend, I was brought back to one specific moment in my past that I wish I could go back and do over.

When I was in the third grade, my dad took my brother, my best friend, and me to kids' summer church camp for a week. I don't remember much about my camp experience, but there is one memory that sticks vividly in my mind. The last day of camp, we were all sitting in the fold up chairs the counselors had lined in rows in front if the stage outside while they spoke about what it meant to be saved. Growing up in the typical Christian home, I was saved at a young age and so knew that I did not need to respond to this invitation. My best friend, however, did not grow up in the same kind of home that I had, and though I had shared with her the decision that I had made and I thought she had made the same decision, I realize now that what I understood salvation to be at that young age was very shallow. The counselors took turns sharing the importance Jesus had in their lives, and then they gave an invitation to any and all of us desiring to experience the same change they had. Secure in my decision, I sat in my seat, smiling at all of those standing up and walking toward the front. As I was scanning the crowd to see if I knew any of the faces up front, my friend tugged my arm and whispered to me, "I want to go up there. Will you come with me?" Now that I'm older, I know I should have been so excited and said yes, but at the time, all that was on my mind was myself and what other people would think of me if I was standing up there. Sure, meeting Jesus was good for everyone else, but I had already met Him, and if I were to walk up there with my friend, it would seem like I had been lying the whole time. My friend was adamant, though, and so, after a few moments, we walked up onto the stage together holding hands. I made sure to find a place in the back where no one could see me as they all clapped at us who were standing to make a decision for Jesus. After they prayed, the counselors wanted to break us up into smaller groups to talk with us on a more intimate level about the decision we were making. My selfish shame grew as my friend asked me to go with her to one of the groups. I was already saved! What didn't she get about that!? And not only that, but I sat with her in her room while she prayed the sinner's prayer as well. (I, of course, warned her not to tell her family who probably wouldn't let us be friends anymore if they knew I had converted her from Catholicism.) My friend pouted and cried and begged me to go with her, but I put my foot down and told her I was not going. If she wanted to go, she could, but that meeting was not for me.

My friend did not speak to a counselor about receiving Christ, and one year later I moved away. This many years later, I still cannot forget the ridiculous pride and selfishness that I allowed to get in the way of my friend's decision for eternity. Had I responded differently, would she be living a different life? Would she have made different choices or chosen a different career path? I know God is sovereign, but my foolish, ignorant mistake still haunts me. You would think that after such an experience, I would learn to use every opportunity I have to make a difference in people's lives for the sake of Christ, but I am sitting here at the end of my second year of college telling you that I have not. I have still missed countless opportunities to serve that I will never got back.

I had an assignment for one of my classes this semester to write a bucket list. This assignment seems simple and fun until you actually have to sit down and write it and think of what you want to do with your life. There are so many things I would like to accomplish before I die, but after writing my paper and reading it over, I realized how trivial all of it was. Really, before I die, I don't care whether or not I get to travel to all fifty states or see a rocket ship launch or become a published author. All I want to do is make a difference. I want to be found faithful to the call God has given me and through that call, effect the lives of many people. That is my greatest desire and yearning passion, but my hurt and heart ache is in knowing how.

How do I make a difference in such a big world? What am I supposed to do? I need direction! I need guidance! I need instruction on how to do this, because I have no idea what I'm doing on my own. I stepped into this school year with such fire! God was going to do great things in this year on campus and around the world! I knew it, I believed it, I prayed for it, I taught it, and yet, after a few months, I lost it. I became so caught up in my problems and my issues that I began to ignore the issues of the people around me. I am reminded of the story of the master who went away for some time and left his three servants in charge of his money. Two of the servants invested what they had been given and received profit, but one was so worried about losing what he had that he buried what he had been given. What profit have I accumulated for the Master this year? Have I just buried the riches I have been given in the ground? I wish that I had done better this year, and yet, it was not so much of a "go do this, go do that" kind of thing that I missed. I missed out on being available, being open, and seeking opportunities to serve.

God, Please forgive me for my selfish pride. In Your sovereignty, redeem those whom You have called. Forgive me for the missed opportunities that I have passed up in the past. Change the lives of those who are hurting and need help. Create in me a new passion; one guided by Your direction and fueled by Your overflowing, never-ending love. Let me be a mirror that so reflects You that the lives of those You place in my life are changed. God, I want to serve You. I want to make a difference, I want to make an impact on the lives of people I meet, but even more than that, I want you to make an impact on the lives of the people I meet. Please, God, let Your will be done, and allow me the privilege to be a part of it. This is my humble request.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to Wednesday night church for the first time in a long time. It's been a busy semester, and I have enjoyed using my Wednesday nights to catch up on school work. Yet, this night I decided that I needed some spiritual refreshment and so made my way to church with my friends. However, what I found was far from refreshment. Instead, I gained restlessness and conviction and dissatisfaction, not with God, but with myself.

Walking in to church that evening, I had heard that we were holding a worship service. There would be no sermon, just music. I would like to note here that I am not all about emotions, especially when it come to spiritual matters. Don't get me wrong, I love feeling good and excited and happy about my relationship with God, and perhaps that was what I was looking for in going to church, but I have a very strong opposition to people who make irrational decisions based on what they feel at the time only to change their mind later. So, showing up to church that evening, I was a little bit cautious in what I would find in other people (is this judging and is it wrong?) as well as in myself. Yet still I think that I myself desire some emotional experience when I go to church. Why was I going in the first place? What was the "refreshment" that I wanted so badly? And as I stood there when the lights turned dim and the band began to play, it was like I was waiting for myself to begin feeling filled with joy and excitement. How foolish I feel now looking back on that moment. We were about ten minutes into the service when the band began playing a familiar tune and singing familiar words that I had sung so many times before, "Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing. Let mercy fall on me. Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior, the Hope of nations," and I began thinking, "What exactly to these words mean?" As I opened my eyes, I began reading the words from the screen, looking for their meaning. "Savior, He can move the moutnains. My God is mighty to save. He is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, You rose and conquered the grave. Jesus conquered the grave." As I looked around the sanctuary, there were so many people there dancing and singing and jumping and raising their hands, and all I could do was stand there. What were we doing!? How could we sing words with such ease and not consider what they mean for us? Everyone needs compassion. Everyone needs forgiveness.

So here are my thoughts, my heartache, on the matter that I realized that night: we have received such grace, such blessing, such forgiveness and salvation! And we sing about all of it with such passion and devotion! Yet then we leave and go about our business. We complain about our work load, we argue with people we don't agree with and gossip about people we don't understand. We walk into church looking for self-fulfillment, and we don't stop to think about what fulfillment we've already received. Yet, this is not all. We sing that everyone needs compassoin, but what are we doing to go beyond the compassion that we know and share it with everyone else who still needs it? I think this is where my frustration lies. I go to such a great school with so many resources handed to me, yet what am I doing except looking for my own selfish gain? Why am I not doing everything I can to invest in the lives of other people? Yet my pain is in knowing how. What am I supposed to do? How do I help? There is so much to do, and I don't know where to start or even how to start! What am I doing with my life? Does any of it mean anything? What purpose am I living for? Who am I living for? It is myself, or am I living for someone greater? I know that probably none of this makes sense. I am so sorry. It has been difficult for me to express exactly what I am still trying to process myself. That's why it's been several weeks since I have written anything out, but I still don't think that I've been able to capture everything that I have been thinking and feeling, and for that I apologize.

God, please show me what I am supposed to do. Why have you called me here? What purpose am I to serve? Show me, and I will follow. I am tired of living for myself. I want to live for You and fulfill Your purpose. Teach me how, Lord, because there is no way I can do anything of my own efforts.

Losing Control

Remember when you first took the training wheels off your bike? Remember how difficult it was to learn to ride it? I know I was terrified. It was so new and there was so much to do and think about. You have to balance, you have to pedal, you have to steer, and you have to look where you are going... all at the same time! It was too much, and I just could not do it! Maybe sometimes you started going, but you were wobbling back and forth trying to gain control, and eventually you just wiped out. That's how I feel right now.

I've been back at school for four weeks, but it feels like it's been four months. There's been so many things that I am having to be held responsible for and I am trying to learn how to balance it, but I feel like I'm failing. I am a student. I am an employee. I am a leader. I am a roommate. I am a friend. I am a family member. I am a Christian. And I am losing my mind! How can I do all of this? Even when I am going, I feel like I'm wobbling around and am eventually going to crash.

I was trying to think of an analogy for the way I have been feeling most recently (Sometimes the only way I can express myself is through a reference to something completely different.), and I was putting together this picture of losing control while trying to learn to ride a bike, but there's one thing about my picture that I forgot: I never had control of the bike in the first place. My daddy did.

When I first learned to ride a two-wheel bicycle, I did not do it by myself. My daddy taught me. He told me what I needed to do and he helped me do it. My daddy held the back of my seat with one hand so that I would not fall, and with the other hand he held my handle bar to push me in the right direction. My heavenly Daddy is doing the same thing for me right now. I am not learning these new things on my own. God is teaching me to handle these new responsibilities. My Daddy is holding me to make sure I do not fall and guiding me in the direction I need to go. Though it's hard learning these new things and trying to keep track of everything at the same time and keeping up with all of my responsibilities, I know that my Daddy is with me and He is not going to let me fail.

God, May I never become so comfortable that I believe that I can ride my bike by myself, but may I always depend on You to guide me and push me. I cannot do this alone, and I don't want to. I want You to go with me. Go before me and behind me.

What I've Learned Over Break

At school I am surrounded by resources to help me grow in my relationship with God. I attend chapel three times a week, there's church on Sundays and Wednesdays, there are weekly prayer meetings and Bible studies, and even in class we're pushed to know God more. There are people everywhere who are growing and encouraging you to grow. When I come home, however, there are a lot fewer resources. Sure, my parents are great Christian leaders, and I still go to church, but really, there aren't many people and activities to help stimulate growth. It's just me, God, my Bible, and my prayer journal. Now that I've come to the last couple of days of break, I've tried looking back and seeing what it is God has taught me over the past month. At first, I was really worried that I hadn't learned anything, but after some thought, I realized that I learned and grew a lot.

It's been a tough year for me. Granted, it really hasn't been that tough, but for me it has. This past semester at school was so overwhelming with classes and work and leadership and responsibility. When I got home, it was so nice to just release that burden. But, you know when you're working out (I'm guessing here because working out is not something I do often... or hardly ever) and you're doing your crunches or lifts or running or whatever, and your whole body is aching, but you finally finish, and it's so satisfying to know you're done, but your body still aches and burns? That's how I felt. Still, I had a new burden to put on. My family has been going through some rough stuff. Being at school, I get to hear about it, but I'm not really a part of it. Being home just made it more real. So, still aching from the release of the past burden, I got to put on this new one and continue to feel overwhelmed. During this time, I realized how much more important it is to be disciplined. There were many days when I did not want to read my Bible. I just wanted to sleep or watch TV and vegetate on the couch and forget all of my worries. See, when I came to God, it meant that I had to talk about what was going on. I had to face my struggles and my fears and anxieties. I had to talk to Him about it and ask Him to do something about it, but I just didn't want to. I think really I just wanted to be lazy. Still, when I sought God anyways, I found a message much greater than all of my worries.

I've been trying to read through Exodus. The beginning of the book is quite exciting, but then you get to the part where God is giving Moses the law and instructions on how the tabernacle should be constructed and then Moses gives the artisans the instructions, and it's a lot of boring chapters and you just don't want to read it because it seems really irrelevant. Looking at the detailed instructions, though, made me realize how holy God is that He demanded such intricacy. He demanded the priests be cleansed. They must be made holy before coming before Him for the people. He demanded atonement for sins through sacrifice. He demanded everything for a specific purpose. Still, as holy as He is, He still desires the best for His people. God's presence rested over the tabernacle as a cloud in the day and as fire in the night. When His presence was lifted from above the tabernacle, it meant that the people were to leave where they were camped and continue traveling. He guided them wherever they needed to go. I still find it incredible to believe that God cares that much for us. We are a sinful people! Still, look at the relationship He had with Moses! Moses spent forty days on Mount Sinai with God. Exodus 33:11 says, "So the Lord spoke to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend." As great a relationship God had with Moses that He talked to Him as a friend, Moses was still a sinful man. When Moses asked to see God, God told him that he could not see His face because he would die. Still, God said He would put His hand over Moses's face, and then after He had passed, would uncover Moses's eyes and allow him to see His back. Oh, that I could see just the back of God! If God's hand would touch my face! When Moses came down from the mountain, his skin glowed. I can't imagine this, but I think it is such a neat picture of how influential our relationship with God should be upon the rest of our life. moses had to wear a veil around the camp and only remove it when he returned to speak with God on the mountain.

All of these things are tucked in between the "boring chapters." As I read all of this, I was reminded of how holy God is and how small and sinful we are, but how God has made a way for us to have a relationship with Him. Jesus came as the perfect atoning sacrifice for all sin. He is the High Priest, the One through whom we can reach God. Now, God's presence resides in us. He guides us through His Holy Spirit. We do know Him. We can talk to Him, and He speaks to us. His power dwells in us. Romans says that the Spirit that rose Christ from the grave is the same Spirit that we now have, and with the Spirit, the same power! Hallelujah!

So, in closing, though it hasn't been an easy break, and though I am fearful of taking on so much responsibility once again, I am reminded that God is sovereign, and that, no matter what is going on around me, I can have joy in knowing that I have an eternal relationship with Him. He is bigger and better than all of my problems, and through Him, I have the power to do whatever He wills in whatever I am given.

To Jesus Christ I Surrender All

So... my attitude recently has been pretty sour. I stumbled upon this song a couple of months ago and loved the message of it. I kind of forgot about it for awhile until tonight, and it really made me reevaluate where I was. I have surrendered all to Christ. He has saved me from the deepest pit, and now all that I have and all that I am belongs to Him. I trust You, Lord.

"The Wind" by Randall Goodgame
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZP1UOPENIEw