A Call to Anguish

My professor played this video for us the other night in our class. If you haven't read David Wilkerson's book, The Cross and the Switchblade, then you are totally missing out. It is an amazing story of God's mighty power working through an obedient man to drastically change lives. It is by far one of my favorite books. (That fact alone should be reason enough for you to go find a copy right now and read it.) I have a lot of respect for everything that this man accomplished in his lifetime.

This has been Missions Emphasis Week here at school. I love this time of the semester. There is a school wide excitement about the work that God is doing around the world as missionaries from 60 agencies come and share with students the opportunities they provide among the nations. Gah! So cool! The theme of this week's MEW is {un}reached. My roommate and I have been doing research leading up to this week on the unreached peoples of the world Here are some of the facts that we found, according to the Joshua Project:

• There are over 6,900 unreached people groups in the world. That's 41% of all of the people groups in the world.
• 5,900 of these 6,900 peoples are located in restricted access areas.
• About 2,100 groups still have not had any Bible translation work done in their language.
• Over 86% of the world's Hindus, Muslims, and Buddhists have never met a Christ follower.
• The countries with the most unreached groups are: India, China, Nepal, Pakistan, and Bangladesh.

As I type through these facts and recall many others that I have found through the past couple of weeks, my heart breaks and yearns for change. I am beginning to understand the anguish that David Wilkerson is calling for, and the anguish that Nehemiah felt over his home and his people. I don't know how you can love God and not have such a great love for His people. As it is Valentine's Day (or week... season?... what exactly do you call the time around Valentine's Day?), I've taken some time to study John 3:16. "For God so loved the world..." What does that mean? After doing some research, I found that the term here used for love is the highest form of love possible: unconditional, unfailing, agape love. We also see reference to in in Romans 5, where Paul writes:  For rarely will someone die for a just person-though for a good person perhaps someone might even dare to die. But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us! Wow. That's amazing. Just read through those two verses again and think about what it's saying. So, we know that this love that God has is deep... like, really deep. This word 'world' here is connected to the word cosmos. The meaning behind it is the entire human race. All of mankind. So, this verse could be translated like this: "For God loved the entirety of mankind so deeply that He gave up His one and only Son so that, any man or woman or child who believes in Him will not spend eternity separated from Him, but live with Him forever." Granted, there's a lot more in this verse to study, but I think that's a pretty good rough draft.

I have been so convicted learning all of these things of God and of His precious, precious creation. People are dying because they don't know Him. Let me say that again: People are dying. And here I am, attending the world's largest evangelical Christian college, attending weekly worship services, living comfortably in my Christian life, and regularly abusing God's grace. Lord, What am I doing here!? These past few weeks, I have become so restless where I am at, knowing that there are lives at stake. Did you know that, if you view 5 people in the world per second who don't know Christ as their Savior, it would take roughly 35 years to view them all? 35 years! I am in anguish over their lives, and I don't know what to do. The task is so great, and I am so small. God, when can I go? Where do I begin? I know that it is God's work and not mine, but has He not chosen us? How can I, as someone who has a personal relationship with a holy God, be satisfied and comfortable with where I am at? I guess there are a few things that I am struggling through right now:

How do I maintain a sense of agony for the nations? It is draining. Spiritually, emotionally and physically exhausting. Is it something to be held on to? Is it meant for just a season? Nehemiah says, "So it was, when I heard these words, that I sat down and wept, and mourned for many days; I was fasting and praying before the God of heaven." But when did he exit this time of anguish? Was it after the initial shock? Was it after the king sent Him back home? Was it when the work was completed? I don't know.

What am I supposed to do? I know that I am called to stay here for a time (or, at least I think that I know that), but what am I supposed to do while I'm here? I guess I know a part of the answer. I have learned a lot about prayer this semester. I think that, a lot of times, we kind of add prayer as an appendix to everything God really desires from us. We think we have to do this and accomplish that, and handle such-and-such in this manner, and, oh yeah, we should pray, too. Yet the ability to come before God- the creator and master of all things- with not only praise, but with petitions and requests is matchless. He holds all power, so why wouldn't we come before Him in prayer in everything we do? But, beyond that, beyond prayer, should I be doing something else?

Lastly, I am struggling being content with where God has me right now. It is so easy to catch a glance of the big picture and find everything about where I am right now completely meaningless, but this is not true. There are people who are just as lost living here. I am called to be a witness first to my Jerusalem. So, how do I balance a desire to go out and a contentment with staying here? Gah! Balance! Why does it have to be so hard!?

God,
I am so humbled by the place You have brought me to. I am such a small part in Your plan. Still, You desire to use me. I pray that I would not lose my passion for Your people, but that my burning desire for all nations to come to know You would only swell, and I pray that You would sustain me as my burden for them grows. Give me discernment to know where You are calling me, and a contentment wherever that may be; yet, do not allow my contentment to turn into complacency. God, hear my prayer for Your people. Do a great work among them, that they may know Your truth, and that Your truth may set them free. I'm not sure what else to say. See the sincerity of my heart, even when words fail. Hear my request on their behalves and honor it. These things I ask in humility and in faith in You, trusting in Your plan above my own. Amen.

Running

Here is my longing: to know and follow You.

But sometimes in my flesh, I find that it's not true.

Instead, what I desire most is to indulge myself.

So knowingly I place you in the corner of the top shelf.

I thought that in my running I would find satisfaction.

Yet what I found instead was merely a distraction

from what matters most and what I should pursue.

Lord, forgive me. I'm running back to you.

In You, and only You, I can find life abundant.

Still my pattern of sin has become quite redundant.

And though, for a moment, I thought that I was happy,
what I found in reality was that rebelling just felt crappy.

To rebel and to return again, the pattern I've constructed:
a building in the sand too easily destructed.
Destroy this facade that for myself I've built.
And in its place construct a fortress free from any guilt.

Hear my prayer, O God, and change the heart of me.
Til there is nothing left to see of me and only Thee.

Forgive the pattern of my sin and set this prisoner free.

To be running in pursuit of You is where I want to be.