Who Am I?

Who am I?

I am Israel.

                Forgetting the promises of the faithful One and choosing to follow the created rather than Creator.

I am Gomer.

                Faithfully loved by One but constantly seeking the love of others who will never satisfy my longing.

I am Judas.

                Masquerading as a follower of the One who can save yet willing to betray the Truth for my own profit.

I am Cain.

                Brought to hate those closest to me because of selfishness and pride.

I am Lot.

                Tempted to follow what looks too good to be true and finding that it is.

I am Saul.

                Given the kingdom but driven mad with the fear of losing it.

I am Solomon.

                Given unimaginable riches and still unsatisfied.

I am Samson.

                Dancing with the enemy not considering the grave consequences that follow.

I am the Pharisees.

                Ignoring Truth for tradition and condemning others for not doing the same.

But.

I am new.

                I live not by my flesh but by His Spirit.

I am alive.

                I have been lifted out of my self-made grave and set on solid ground.

I am forgiven.

                All of my pride has been forgotten and in its place remains humility and praise.

I am called.

                No longer do I wander, because I have One to live for.

I am loved.

                I have been lavished with grace and affection that I do not deserve.

I am righteous.

                From no efforts of my own am I good, but from the efforts of One greater.

I am free.

                I am not burdened by the shame and guilt of my past.

I am secure.

                I know my place is in His hands, in His arms, and in the apple of His eye.

Who am I?

                I am His.

                And He is mine.

Loving the Sinner

"Hate the sin; love the sinner." What does this phrase really mean? We throw it around in Christian circles a lot, but is it something we really believe and live? It wasn't until recently that I've had to struggle with the balance of hate for someone's actions and love for them as a person, and until that moment, I had no idea how far stretching this concept really goes. In light of recent national events, I think that it is an important reminder that needs to be shared, first of what great love we have been shown and then of what love we should show those around us.

There are certain sins that are easier to look past than others. We can hate homosexuality, pride, abuse of alcohol... and still love the people we call homosexual, prideful, and alcoholics. But what about those people who rape women, shoot elementary school children, or bomb athletic events? Is it possible to love those people while hating their sin? That is an extremely difficult question, but I think that to answer it, another question must be examined:

What love have I been shown? I have to recognize that I have offended God. Throughout history we are given example after example of how we fall short of the glory of God. Adam and Eve disobeyed God's command not to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Cain murdered his brother Able. Israel continually doubted God's power and provision and turned to other gods. Even the heroes of Scripture failed to satisfy God's standard: Abraham had a child by his wife's servant because they didn't understand how God would provide them a promised heir, Moses was not able to enter the Promised Land because of his disobedience, and David had a man killed to cover up his adultery. In Hosea we are given a comparison between Israel's unfaithfulness to God and the infidelity of an adulterous wife. I must recognize that I am no better than these. I am Israel. I am Gomer. I have offended a most holy God. What can I do to fulfill what He requires? Nothing. Yet He has loved me.

I've written before about the love that Christ showed me while I was still His enemy (here), but in case you don't want to go back and read it, let me just recap. John 15 says, "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." We recognize that this is what Christ did for us. He laid down his life for us, showing us the greatest, most perfect love that one could ever have for another. Yet in Romans 5, Paul writes, "For one would hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." When we were still God's enemies Christ showed us the greatest love by laying down His life on our behalf, by taking our place, becoming our substitute. God has hated my sin, but has loved me with such a love as to send His Son to pay the debt that I owe for my offense. So what does that mean for me now?

It is because of God's love for me that I can love others. I hate the evil I see in the world. I hate the things I see on the news. It breaks my heart to think of the lives lost in the Newtown shooting or at the Boston Marathon or the stabbings at Lone Star College. So how do I hate the sin that these men committed and still love them as Christ has loved me? I think that it starts with recognizing that God has shown me great love and that He loves these men as well. I have to admit that I am easily inclined to hate people who commit horrendous, unthinkable crimes. But then I remember that these people have friends and family and neighbors and co-workers who love and care for them and I think about the emotions that they are going through knowing that their loved one has done something so unthinkable. I also must remember that these men need the Lord. God loves them. He loves them with perfect love just as He loves us. But they have not yet recognized His love for them. Lastly, I must pray for them. I pray that as they are prosecuted, the truth is presented and justice is given. However, I also pray for their souls, that they would recognize God's good favor and offer of salvation even towards the worst offenders. And I pray for their loved ones who are left emotionally torn between defending justice and desiring grace.

So do I defend the actions of these bad people? Absolutely not. I abhor them. However, I recognize that I, too have offended the highest standard of righteousness and yet have found favor and grace. It is because I have experienced love that I can love others, including these men, even though I cannot understand nor accept their actions.

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. -1 John 4:10-11

The Battle Against Bitterness

I guess a life update is a little overdue. And by a little, I mean a lot. I've relocated! December 15 of last year, I packed up the rest of my belongings into my car, turned in my keys, and said goodbye to what had been my life for the past four and a half years, no longer a Liberty student. I have to say, I knew it was going to be hard to leave, but I didn't know it would be as hard as it was. I realized how much of my experience I had taken for granted- the friends I had made, the opportunities I had, the lessons I learned- and now I had to start all over.

As someone who has started over a lot, you would think I would be used to it by now. This was not my first move, nor was it my biggest. I would never consider us career movers, but  change was not unusual for my family growing up, and it was really hard. But we always moved forward and adapted. I am so grateful for parents who have a foundation not in a job or a city but in the Lord. They are great examples of what it means to follow God, and I respect them so much for the difficult decisions they've made for our family. And this year it was my turn to make a difficult decision on my own. I doubt that this will be my last big decision or the most difficult, but big and difficult it has been, and I appreciate even more the example of my parents, and I hope that as I grow and learn to trust God in the decisions I make, I can be the same example to my family in the future.

So, I have been a proud Master's student at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary for six weeks now, and I have realized more than ever how much I don't know. I am also working two part time jobs, both of which I really enjoy. I started working at a local artisan market at the beginning of the year as a sales associate, and about a month later, I got a job at the library at Southeastern, which is kind of similar to my job before, but also kind of different. So, between school, work, and schoolwork, I am kept fairly busy.

The most difficult part of my transition has been making new connections. At Liberty, I was given the opportunity to build relationships with people through the dorm environment and through the ministry I was a part of. Now, with that gone, I have to learn to make friends on my own again, which is really, really hard, and I've found myself growing more and more discontent with my present situation. I am not an outgoing person. I find new social environments very intimidating, and yet I find myself in those situations every day. Because of that, I've found it extremely difficult to rejoice in the character God has given me. Instead, I have found a growing resentment for my tendency toward introversion. I can't help but think that, if only I were more outgoing, I wouldn't feel as lonely as I do. Perhaps that's true. Perhaps I would have an easier time making friends, but I cannot allow myself to believe a quieter personality is a worse personality. As much of a blessing it is to have two jobs, I've also had to guard myself against feeling resentful that I don't have more time to build new friendships. This growing bitterness towards my current situation has grown and consumed my heart as of late. But I realized that being bitter wasn't making my situation any better. In fact, I was even more miserable in my bitterness than I had been before. I've realized the need for contentment and to recognize what a blessing it is to be where I am, doing what I'm doing. I have much to be thankful for:

       I get to spend more time with my family, which is one of my most favorite things to do ever.
       I am not experiencing this transition alone. I have an awesome friend and roommate who has transferred from Liberty as well.
       I get to live rent free for some time. My parents have been so gracious to let us stay with them this semester. I get to eat my mom's home cooking and not pay bills. It doesn't get much better than that!
       I get to go to an amazing school. I have learned so much in just six weeks, and my brain cannot fathom how much more there is to learn in the next couple of years.
       I have two jobs! Not just one, but two! And they're both wonderful.
       I am making connections. I may not have great friendships yet, but those don't grow overnight. I am getting to know people.

I was reminded recently of Paul's writings to the Philippian church. My roommate and I were discussing Philippians, which is one of her favorite books. Joy in Christ is a common theme in Paul's letter, who wrote to the church in Philippi while in prison. I think that we are all familiar with chapter 4, where Paul says,

       Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things. The things which you have heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.

If I've never said it before, I'll tell you now that teaching from Scripture is extremely intimidating. I may look back on this as a wiser future self and realize that I missed the point of what Paul is saying, but reading through this passage and taking into consideration the entirety of the letter, there are several things that I have chosen to apply to my life in guarding against bitterness and living in contentment and joy:

I have chosen to rejoice! Even when present circumstances are difficult, I can rejoice in the Lord and His grace and goodness towards me.

I have chosen to live sacrificially and with consideration of others, removing myself from selfishness and caring and helping those around me.

I have chosen to be thankful! I have been given much, much more than I deserve. In fact, in order to stir up an attitude of thankfulness, I have made it my goal this year to write down one good thing from each day that I am thankful for. I can't wait to see all of the things I have chosen to be thankful for at the end of the year!

I have chosen to be honest with the Lord and trust in His provision.

I have chosen to meditate on Truth. I've realized that filling my mind with resentment only leads to more resentment. Instead, I have chosen to replace those thoughts and feelings with what is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, commendable, virtuous, and praiseworthy, namely, the Lord and His Truth.

Paul says that God grants peace to those who trust Him in these things. In fact, he mentions the peace of God twice just in these six verses. I have chosen to reject the discontentment I have been inclined to feel as of late because I know a good God who has dealt graciously with me and has blessed me in my current circumstances. I choose to fight this battle against bitterness and insecurity through remember Paul's inspired teaching and relying on the peace that only God brings to heart and mind.

God,
I have much to be thankful for. Thank You for Your endless blessings. When I consider the grace that has been shown to me, I am overwhelmed with awe and humility. Forgive me for the anger and selfishness that I have held in my heart. I present it to You with open hands and humbly ask that You replace it with thankfulness that extends to all areas of my living. Knowing You is enough to satisfy. But, Lord, never allow me to become satisfied with what I know of You. Thank You for the way You continue to challenge, grow, and refine.   Amen.

A New Adventure for an Older Me

I came to Liberty four and a half years ago. That seems like a really long time. As I talk to some of the freshmen girls on my hall this year, I tell them everything that has changed since I was a freshman, and they are amazed. That's when I feel really old. But the time has flown by so fast. As I think back through the years I've been here and the people that I've met and the classes that I've sat through and the experiences that I've had, and I realize how incredibly blessed I am.

My freshmen year, I made some of the best friends of my life. I got to know a causal friend from back home through long car rides and weekly lunch Bible studies. I spent time with my roommates coloring and watching movies and ordering pizza and eating nutella sandwiches. I was challenged to grow in my faith not just in church but in my classes. I realized that I should wear more than just t-shirts, even though they're really comfortable. I had to become independent and learn things on my own, like scheduling time to do homework and not spending all of my money at the Drowsy Poet and dollar theater.

My sophomore year I learned what it means to serve in ministry. I learned that ministry is not just meeting certain administrative obligations or requirements, but it is intentionally taking the time to build purposeful relationships with people. I learned how to talk to other people on the hall besides my roommates. I got my first job. I learned how to listen to people when they are struggling without needing to have all of the answers. I learned how to study God's Word to teach it, and how difficult it is not to make it say what you want it to, but to search for what it really means. I also learned the importance of giving God my first and best. When I give Him the rotten leftovers, He is not glorified and I am not satisfied. I learned to wait on His timing and to plan my time wisely.

My junior year I learned that my personality isn't going to click with everyone, but that I cannot give up trying to serve them. I learned that I have no clue how to teach ESL and I don't understand linguistics, but that God called me to study it and the success I have will be to His glory. I learned that I am inadequate, but He is more than adequate. I experienced great friendship, and I made it through RA qualifying without crying.

My senior year I learned that I need to surrender my plans to Him and that, though things don't always turn out the way I expected them to, He knows what's going on. I learned how to forgive people. I dealt with more problems than I thought were possible to experience in one semester. I hated my job, but I was forced to remember the people of my ministry above my problems and to keep in mind why I committed myself to my job in the first place. I experienced loneliness and learned that I won't liked by everyone I know. I had to make quick judgments and uncomfortable confrontations, but I learned to be flexible.

This semester, I've learned a lot about trust, especially through change. I feel like my life is completely different now than it was in the spring. I'm attending grad school, my family lives in a new house, I'm living on a new hall with new people, I have new financial responsibilities and I don't have a job... I even got a haircut. Some changes were expected (like my haircut. I planned that one.), but some completely sideswiped me.

I spoke in a previous post about what God taught me this summer through my financial situation, and how blessed I have been by His provision. This semester, God has decided to provide for me in a completely unexpected way. My parents informed me several months ago that I could have the opportunity to attend Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary on scholarship. When my mom told me, I already had set in my mind that I was going to attend Liberty for two more years to get my graduate degree. I was so shocked and confused that I just cried about the decision that I would have to make. (Don't judge. I am a girl, and sometimes I cry.) Like a good Christian, I prayed about it. Should I make the practical decision and transfer to SEBTS for financial reasons, or should I stay at Liberty where I am comfortable and have already made commitments and friends? I went back and forth on the decision, and after searching for a job in Lynchburg with no success, I decided to fill out an application to Southeastern.I don't know if I was right in doing it, but I asked God that, if He wanted me to stay at Liberty, He would not allow me to be accepted into Southeastern, and decided that, if I was accepted, then I would make the decision to transfer.

What made my decision even harder was the awesome group of girls I've had the privilege to live with these past four months. I have never been so encouraged and blessed by so many girls, and it has been so much fun living with all of them. The thought of leaving them breaks my heart. But several weeks ago, I got word back from Southeastern that I was accepted. I still have no money to pay for school at Liberty next semester and the opportunity to study elsewhere and I have decided to take it.

I am terrified of what this means. This week is the last week of classes I will ever experience at Liberty. My last Convocation service, my last leadership team meeting, my last hall meeting, my last RA group. I'm freaking out! I have to learn now to make friends on my own now. I have to find an apartment and a job and learn how to grow up! What is this!? As scared and sad I am to leave what has been my life for the past four and a half years, I am also excited for this new experience. For the first time since freshman year, I get to just be a student. I don't have to worry about enforcing rules or confronting situations. I get to make choices for myself, like what I want to wear or what movies I want to watch. I get to find a local church and get involved. So, as painful as it is to leave the people I love and the school that has taught me so much, I am looking forward to the new friends and experiences and lessons I get to have in this new adventure. It is bitter sweet, but, for me, it is necessary, and just as God continues to remind me over and over this semester, I am learning to trust Him in all things. I don't know what my future may bring, but He's known since forever ago, so He's the One I'm going to look towards as I walk down this new path in this new chapter of the Adventures of Me!

Cliff-Hanger

You know that scene in the action movie where the side-kick/ best friend/ love interest somehow finds him/herself falling off the edge of the cliff, but at the last moment grabs a hold of something? Her feet still dangle on the edge, rocks slipping from underneath her, down into nothingness, and as her fingers struggle to clench tight around what ever is holding her up, she knows that if she fails to hold on, she will fall as well.

That's a pretty dramatic scene, and perhaps could have been described a little better, but if I were to choose a way to describe where I am right now, it would be at the edge of a cliff. There have been so many changes recently, and sometimes I feel like I'm barely holding on. My heart is beating so fast with anxiety over things that I do not understand and cannot control. I praise God that He has given me Truth to hang on to, but sometimes I feel like my knuckles are cramping and at any moment, I could lose my grasp and fall over the edge. I hear Him saying, "Trust Me. Hold on to Me," and I trying, but I see the rocks slipping beneath my feel, and I just want Him to pick me up and set me on solid ground where I can feel safe. Yet, I know that, if I got this wish, I could very well feel comfortable enough to let go of Him and start walking confidently on my own. But where I am now, I have no choice but to trust Him and continue to hold on to what I know is true.

I just finished reading through Job recently, and there are a couple of things that I'm still chewing on. I don't understand why God would allow Job's children to die. It just seems cruel and terrible, and I don't think I will ever understand why it had to happen that way. But I know God and I trust what I have read and seen of His character, so even when I don't understand, I still choose to trust Him. In her book, When Godly People Do Ungodly Things, Beth Moore asks, "Do you realize Job endured the entire excruciating ordeal without ever knowing he was in the middle of a match between the God of the universe and the head dragon of hell? Even at the conclusion of the Old Testament book, Job still had no idea" (83). God never answered any of Job's questions. He never told Job why he had to endure such loss. But Job got to know God in such a new and incredible way! He experienced God's sovereignty, His omnipotence and omniscience. He knew that God's ways are so much higher than ours. Who was Job, a mere man, to even begin to understand why God works the way He does?

And this is where I am. I've talked about change and trust a lot recently. I feel like a broken record, but it is still something that God is drilling me in. I don't understand what is going on around me recently, nor do I understand sometimes how God can work through it. What I do know, however, is God. I have read of His sovereign goodness and His patient loving-kindness. I have experienced it. Now I must trust Him, even when I do not understand, because He is the only One keeping me from falling. If you would have told me six months ago that I would be where I am today, I would almost not believe you. These past several months have brought a lot of changes and challenges. I have never had to rely on the Lord like I am having to now, and I am experiencing Him, like Job, in a new way. I do not enjoy struggle. But I appreciate where God is leading me through my struggle.

"I had heard rumors about You, but now my eyes have seen You." -Job 42:5