So, yesterday morning, before Sunday School started, I got a chance to catch up with some friends that I haven't seen in awhile. We chatted about how our semesters went, what our summer plans were, yatti-yatta-ya, and it was interesting to here how much our plans had changed since we got out of high school just a year ago. From music to worship, from missions to early education, from lawyer to professor, from music to sports medicine... it seems like everyone is deciding that their lives are meant to go in other directions. It just reminded me of how great God's plans are- so much greater than our own.
I love to be in-the-know. I love to know what's going on... not just in my own life, but in everyone else's, too! (God bless the man I marry!) Part of knowing what's going on is planning what's coming ahead, and I do that very well. Before I even packed up my stuff to head off to college, I thought I had my whole future planned out. I was going to study Teaching ESL. I was going to learn Chinese and travel to East Asia where I would teach English at a high school level. I was going to have a wonderful life living for God! Then, I got to college, and the reality of paving the way for my future really hit me like a brick in the head. When I regained conciousness, I became paniced and worried! Who am I to teach a foreign language to kids on the other side of the planet!? How am I supposed to learn Chinese when I barely passed Spanish in high school!? How in the world am I going to get over there, and who's going to give me a job!? Where am I going to take Chinese when I'm at a school who doesn't teach it!? Granted, a lot of these questions don't need answering in just your first year, but these were just a few of the many worries going through my head. There were so many times I thought about switching my major to Elementary Ed. I thought, "Who am I to teach a foreign language when I can't even learn one!? Why don't I just do something I know I enjoy and can do well?" I felt like everything I had planned was falling apart, and I didn't know what to do.
But you know, God showed me His sovereignty over all things. He showed me that He has a plan, and that I am in it. He has not allowed me to see the whole picture of His plan. I think that if I did, I wouldn't be dependent on Him like I need to be. But I am dependent on Him. I cannot lean on my own understanding, but I have to fully rely on him to show me where I need to go. His plans may not always be my plans, but they are always better than my own plans. This is something I've learned. It's been tough planning for next year. Class schedules are never fun to figure out, and it seems like I've had an especially difficult time putting mine together, getting the classes I need, getting the credit hours I need, getting into the programs I need... it's all a big mess, and I have to admit, there are times I get mighty anxious and worried about what's going to happen, but I know that God is in control. Perhaps I won't get into the classes I need next semester. Perhaps I won't get the job that I want. Perhaps I won't become a great English teacher in China. I just need to take it one step at a time, and follow where God leads. He knows what He's doing. He's got it all planned out, and though I may not know what the plan is right now, I know it's gonna be great! :)

Summer Time!

Ahh! It's summer! No more waking up early to rush to class, no more pulling all-nighters to finish a paper, no more stinky cafeteria food... well, at least not until August. I know a lot of people are busy right after school ends with jobs and travel and stuff, but while I'm waiting for camp to start (that's where I'll be working this summer) next month, I have a lot of time to do absolutely nothing. Sure, for a couple of days, it's really nice to have no responsibilities and to just bum on the couch. After awhile, though, it becomes harder to do anything but vegg. I'm going to be extremely honest right now, which is really hard, even over the internet: I've had a lot of free time to give in to a lot of temptation.

I LOVE watching movies. Love love love it. It's easy sometimes to get so caught up in the storyline of the movie, that you become unsatisfied with your own life... or at least I do. Watching so many movies has made me extremely empty for so many reasons. These people are living extraordinary lives, even if they are only portrayed as ordinary in the movie.

Picture this: Suzzie is just an average woman, living by herself in some city, who makes her living as a dog walker. Then, one day, she suddenly becomes involved in a dramatic plot as one leash slips from her hands as she's saying goodbye to her friend (a successful business woman, just engaged, who insists Suzzie needs to meet a guy soon, because, come on, let's face it, she's not getting any younger!), and one of her dogs runs off. She frantically chases after her furry client while trying to juggle all of her other dogs. She comes to a stop as she find the lost dog in the arms of an attractive man who, though she doesn't know it, just lost his wife and has moved to this city to try and build a new life. Through a series of dramatic, touching events, the two fall in love and by the end of the movie, begin their new happy life together running a cute, wittingly named new business. The end. *sigh*

See, even the ordinary get a super cool plot, a super cute guy, and a happily ever after: everything that I have yet to find in my own life. So, maybe the movie makes me feel good for about a minute, but after that, all I feel is empty. So do you know what I do? I watch another one to make me feel better, but really, it only makes me feel worse. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror and smile. I couldn't enjoy being around people. I couldn't stop pouting over the numerous relationships going on around me. After a week or so, I became aware of how miserable I had become! It was then that I realized that God did not call me to a miserable, empty life, but a full and abundant one! I felt empty because I was looking at other things for fullfilment. I was unhappy because I was looking at other things to bring me happiness.

God doesn't disappoint. I don't understand why it is so hard for me to understand that! I am so stuck on finding fulfillment somewhere else, when the only One who can bring true fulfillment is standing right next to me and lives inside of me! How does this make any sense!? Why am I so dense!? I have learned and been reminded time and time again of His sufficiency and the satisfaction a life focused on Him brings! It is no longer about me and what I want, but it is about something greater. Life is now about what He desires, what His plans are, carrying out His purposes. When I surrender all I have to God, then I don't have to worry or feel empty, because he is in control, and I know I can trust he to do what is best because, I mean, come on! He's God! Of course He's gonna do what's best!

It sounds so good, and it really is, but it is SO hard to live by! Surrender every part of my life? Even that little thing I find enjoyment in? I know that it may not be the best for me, but i like it! Do i really have to give it up for God?

I wish things were easier. Sometimes I wish that God would just take away the bad stuff in my life, whether I want Him to or not, but that's not what He wants from us. God very much could take away it all, but he asks us to give it up. It's our choice. How much more does it mean if we give it up than if He takes it from us? It is a daily struggle for me to surrender my life to Christ. I must die to my self daily so that I can live for Him, but the life which I find that I am leading when I do live for Him is a much more abundant and fulfilled life than the one I would be leading if I still lived for myself.

So, I may never find "Mr. Right." I may never have that crazy story with a romantic ending. But what I have found is much greater: I've found God! He is my excedingly great reward.

Becoming "The One"

First off, let me start by saying, "Happy Mother's Day!" I am 100% sure that I have the best mom in the world, and it doesn't take long away from her at school to realize how much I take for granted all that she does! On that note, let's jump into what I want to say. Because it's Mother's Day, our pastor took a break from the sermon series we've been going through, and spoke on four attributes of a godly woman. Though the things he spoke of are not new points to me, it reminded me of how important it is for us women to be the ladies God has called us to be. Being at college there's a lot of boy drama (none of which I am personally involved in, may I just say). There are so many people-girls and boys alike- that are so intent on finding "the one" before they graduate, that it becomes a major priority. (May I just say that this is really scary to be around. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard a guy say to a girl, "God has given me these feelings for you, and I know He is telling me we're supposed to be together.") I think that it is really easy to get so caught up in trying to find someone to be with that we don't think about becoming someone worth finding. This is something that really bothered me. I began to think about what it is a woman worth finding should be like, and I looked at what the Bible had to say about it. This is what I found:

Proverbs 31:10- “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.”
The words, “virtuous wife” literally mean “a wife of valor.” This extends to all forms of excellence and strength in all areas of life. It says that a woman with such excellence is worth far more than rubies. She is someone worth finding. However, the fact that the first statement is a question, “Who can find” means that a woman of this excellence is not common. She is a rare gem. So, how do we become such sought after women? Well, the rest of this passage gives a long list of specific duties and such of a virtuous wife, but I think that 1 Peter 3 hits the core of what it takes.

1 Peter 3:1-4- “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, (2)when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. (3)Do not let your adornment be merely outward- arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel- (4)rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.”
This passage is speaking specifically to Christian women married to non-Christian men, but still describes the conduct of a virtuous wife. “The one” should have “chaste conduct,” meaning she should be pure, spotless and free from all impurity. This speaks of sexual purity, but it goes much deeper than that. This purity of character should be accompanied, it says, “by fear.” This fear, or reverence and respect should be observable in three different types of relationships: first, in her relationship with God. A man should be able to see the great awe and reverence she has for God. Secondly, her husband should be able to observe the great respect she shows toward him as her husband. (The women Peter is speaking to in this passage are married, but I think we can take this and apply it to how we treat any of our guy friends, yes?) Thirdly, a man should be able to see the respect she shows to others in all other outside relationships. Her purity of character should be rooted in all relationships she has and in everything she does. In fact, the word “observe” here means narrowly looking into, meaning that it is something deeply integrated in her character. A man should be able to see such purity of character in a ruby-of-a-woman as he watches how she conducts her relationships. Verse three speaks of outward adornment. Adornment is not in itself bad. God has adorned the earth with so many beauties. However, a woman of God should not allow herself to be consumed in gaining attention or praise for outward beauty. Rather, says verse four, she should devote herself to the development of her character and inner beauty. Unlike the things used to decorate herself outward, inner beauty doesn’t rust or decay, This inner beauty is “incorruptible.” It is “gentle,” which, according to the dictionary, means “kindly, amiable; not severe, rough, or violent, mild,” and quiet in spirit. One commentary I read said that gentleness or meekness keeps her from provoking others, while quietness keeps her from being provoked. I find it interesting that the things listed in verse 3 are seen as precious and valuable to the world, but this inner beauty is precious in God’s sight.

Proverbs 31:30- “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.”
Again, beauty and charm are not at all bad things. God created beauty. However, they are not of eternal significance. Charm can be deceitful. Have you ever met someone who seemed very charming when you first met them, but once you get to know them better, you find that they are not the people you thought they were? Charm is what attracts people on the outside, but it does not necessarily mean that is what is in the heart. Beauty, too, can be deceitful, and we know from the passage in 1 Peter that beauty on this earth will not last forever. A woman of God, a woman worth being, a woman worth finding, does not place her primary concern on how people perceive her. She is a woman who fears the Lord and pours her devotion not into things of this world, but into knowing God. She is the one graced with eternal beauty and will be praised for it. This is the woman we should all strive to be. This is a woman worth being chased and worth being found.

Today was my first whole day back home from a very long second semester of school. Right now it is almost 1:00 in the morning, and although that would normally seem like a normal bedtime at school, right now I am wooped! Unfortunately, while at school, my brother took over my room and is currently playing video games, preventing me from any rest. So, until he decides he is tired, I am sitting in my living room watching my other brother and his friend... play video games. (We're a very active family.) 1:00 in the morning is probably not a fantastic time to write a blog entry (you never know what will come out of your mouth... er... fingers?... but right now I can't think of anything better to fill my time with. Unfortunately, I have absolutely no idea what to write! I know! It's terrible, but it's true! So, I thought that perhaps I would share something that I wrote up last semester about what God taught me. I found it in my journal the other day, and thought perhaps it would be appropriate to share:

What God Has Been Teaching Me

God is holy!
You are the everlasting God! You are the first and the last! You are holy! Your name is above all names! At the sound of Your name, mountains crumble! At Your name, demons run and hide! Your power is far beyond all powers! Who am I to come before You!? Who am I to come into Your presence!? I am a sinner, fallen short of Your glory! My whole entire being is filthy before your holiness. I am so unworthy to come before You. In Your presence, I fall on my face in humility, and I do not know what to say.

Relationship with a holy God:
God, I am so apathetic. You are holy and the only One deserving of anything. Though You are worth so much more than all I have, it is all I have to give You. And even though You should have all of me (and even desire it, which is a thought beyond my comprehension), I do not give it. If my life belongs to You, and I have claimed to give it to You, then why am I so unwilling? If I have said that You are as holy as I KNOW You are, then why do I still live for myself? God, forgive me,and change my heart. My efforts are worth nothing. It is only through Your power that I can be changed.

Changing my heart:
The reason I fail to continuously recognize Your holiness is that I fail to continuously recognize You!

I am free to live!
God, You ARE holy, and I AM unworthy, but You have loved me enough to take me as I am, and call me righteous. You have not just forgiven my sin, but You have totally erased it! I have been redeemed through the blood of Your Son. Once, the law burdened me, but I no longer live under law, but under grace through the Spirit! I am free to live in You! May I not use the liberty You have given me to live in the flesh, but may I live my life to the fullest purpose that You have called me to!

God's perfect plan:
It amazes me how You bring certain situations together to give Yourself glory! even when we mess up, You still use what we have and what we've done to benefit Your kingdom. When I think of all of the billions and trillions of people in the world, and the many from the past and the many, if by Your will, to come in the future, it blows my mind to think that You have and do and will use all of their's and our situations together to bring Yourself glory! I cannot fathom how anyone could orchestrate that! Then I remember that no power is beyond You, and though I cannot comprehend, I know that You can, and do, work all things together for Your purpose, and it amazes me!

God's perfect plan for me:
God, You have given me such a passion for helping people, and such a heart for those in China. God, those people need You! They are living with no hope and no purpose in life, but to succeed for their country. They need to know of the higher purpose You desire for them. God, when I think of the people of the world, and how they are living in death in bondage of their sin, it makes me sick! (Though not sick enough to witness to them like I should.) I know this passion in my heart to serve China was put there by You! God, I cannot understand why You would give me such a passion and not allow me to go because of finances. It breaks my heart! But God, I know You are sovereign, and Your plan is better than my own, so I trust You. I know that You have called me to a purpose no matter where I am. God, I pray that You would open up opportunity for me to do whatever You will this summer. God, I know wherever You put me, I am called to be Your witness and Your light. Thank You, God, for giving me a plan and a purpose!

Searching Him

So, I realized after writing my first post that I never really explained the title "Searching Him" which is kind of lame since I spent awhile coming up with it. (Haha! Some of you are probably thinking "Wow. Really? It took you awhile to come up with THAT!?" Yeah. It did.) According to good ole' Webster, to "search" means "to look into or over carefully or thoroughly in an effort to find or discover something." I came to a saving relationship with God when I was very young. You would think that after so many years, I would know almost everything about Him, but that couldn't be further from the truth. As I have grown in my relationship with God, I've realized that the more I learn, the less I know. God's character is so deep and vast that I have not even come close to knowing all of Him. Still, I have thoroughly enjoyed learning all I can. It is my passion to search to know Him better than I already do. So, in an effort to do that, I will continue to write what He is revealing to me about who He is and who I need to be. I realize that I am still learning. I am not always right. I will sometimes get it wrong, but as I continue to search after Him, He will reveal Himself to me and I will know more of Him. That's what this page is all about.

Whew! This is New!

Ok, so here's the deal (or the "dealio" as my brother would say): this is totally new for me. Though this may sound incredibly cheesy, this is scary for me to be blogging for others to possibly read! These are my inner thoughts and feelings I'm laying out for people to read! That's scary! What if I say something totally wrong and foolish? That's scary, too! But, here I am, writing my first blog post. Here I go.



I figured I'd start out by stating the purpose of this blog, and perhaps by the time I'm done I'll know. :) I love writing. Though I'm not very good at it, I've found it to be a great way to sort through what I'm thinking. It's almost like talking to yourself, only people don't think you're crazy when you do it! I'm not a doctor or a psychologist or anything like that, but if I could draw you a picture of my thought process and what goes on in my brain, it would look something like this:

(I know, I know. I should be an artist.) Seriously, I cannot keep up with all of th thoughts that go through my brain in just one second! So, I find it very useful sometimes to write out what I'm thinking. It helps me process information and it helps me focus on what I think. So I enjoy writing. I don't do it as often as I should, but when I do write, I write a lot (as you can probably already tell). I have a number of things I've written or typed up that I wish I could share with other people, and I thought the most appropriate place to do that would be in a blog. So here I am, writing my first blog entry on absolutely nothing. I hope that I can use this to sort through everything going on in my brain and to encourage others in the process. :)