Thursday, December 24, 2009
Mary was chosen to carry Him.
Joseph was told what to name Him.
The inns rejected Him.
The manger cradled Him.
The shepherds came to marvel at Him.
The wise men came to worship Him.
King Herod tried to kill Him.
The church leaders came to listen to Him.
John was chosen to baptise Him.
The disciples were chosen to follow Him.
The Pharisees despised Him.
The crowds adored Him.
The broken were healed by Him.
The lost where found by Him.
Judas betrayed Him.
The Romans captured Him.
Pilot could find no fault in Him.
The crowds yelled, "crucify Him!"
The soldiers mocked Him.
Peter denied Him.
He said, "Father, forgive them."
The Romans guarded Him.
But they weren't strong enough to keep Him in.
Many saw Him.
Now He's ascended.
But I still know Him.
And I still love Him.
And someday I will see Him.
All because God sent Him--out of love.
Joseph was told what to name Him.
The inns rejected Him.
The manger cradled Him.
The shepherds came to marvel at Him.
The wise men came to worship Him.
King Herod tried to kill Him.
The church leaders came to listen to Him.
John was chosen to baptise Him.
The disciples were chosen to follow Him.
The Pharisees despised Him.
The crowds adored Him.
The broken were healed by Him.
The lost where found by Him.
Judas betrayed Him.
The Romans captured Him.
Pilot could find no fault in Him.
The crowds yelled, "crucify Him!"
The soldiers mocked Him.
Peter denied Him.
He said, "Father, forgive them."
The Romans guarded Him.
But they weren't strong enough to keep Him in.
Many saw Him.
Now He's ascended.
But I still know Him.
And I still love Him.
And someday I will see Him.
All because God sent Him--out of love.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
As embarrassing as it is to admit, I do a lot of my thinking in the shower. It just seems to be a nice, convenient place to unwind and meditate on things. This morning, I was reminiscing on God's faithfulness in my life. I have come a long way in my relationship with Him. He has given me so much, and I am truly humbled to consider it. I grew up in a Christian home and was saved at a young age. For many years after that, though I have no doubt that I am a child of God, I struggled with the way God chose to change my life. I felt like my life didn't change much at all. I still went to church, I still memorized Bible verses, and life continued on as normal. I envied those who had a dramatic testimony of complete transformation from before they knew Christ to after receiving Him. Looking back on all of this in the shower this morning, I recognized something about God's grace: it is the perfect fit for everyone.
Sometimes, I think we view God's grace as too big for our sin. It is very easy for me to say, "There are a lot of people with a lot more, and I don't need to bother God with my sins." To put it more visually, we view God's grace as bulky, over-sized sweater. There's just too much fabric involved. There are bulges coming out everywhere, you can't even see your hands because the sleeves are too long, and it's just not attractive. You cannot wear this sweater. It was made for someone much larger than you. In the same way, we can believe that God's grace was made to cover people with bigger problems than our own. We are left naked and helpless.
Others of us, or perhaps we are the same people as before dealing with different sin, feel that God's grace is not big enough for what we are dealing with. Our problems are too large and embarrassing to God. We can view God's grace like a sweater that is too small. Try as we might to pull it over ourselves, we are left suffocating. It may cover most of you, but there is still plenty of skin left to cover. The skin tightness of the sweater does not hide much of what you were wishing to cover, nor does it allow you room to breathe. This sweater just doesn't fit right. In the same way, we can feel that God's grace will never cover all of the baggage we carry and will just suffocate us with more guilt of what we really look like.
Thank God that His grace is not like either of these! God's grace is the perfectly fitting sweater for every person no matter what size or shape. God's grace is great enough that it covers all of our sin and leaves us with no unwanted fabric or invisible hands. It is perfect enough that it doesn't leave us self conscious about what we are trying to hide underneath or what is still peeking out. His grace doesn't cut off the circulation in our arms because we tried to stretch it too thin, nor does it leave us even more weighed down with the heaviness of what we don't need. God's grace is exactly what we need. It covers every part that needs to be covered and covers it completely, and it is in His grace that we find perfect warmth and satisfaction knowing that we have been made attractive in His eyes.
Sometimes, I think we view God's grace as too big for our sin. It is very easy for me to say, "There are a lot of people with a lot more, and I don't need to bother God with my sins." To put it more visually, we view God's grace as bulky, over-sized sweater. There's just too much fabric involved. There are bulges coming out everywhere, you can't even see your hands because the sleeves are too long, and it's just not attractive. You cannot wear this sweater. It was made for someone much larger than you. In the same way, we can believe that God's grace was made to cover people with bigger problems than our own. We are left naked and helpless.
Others of us, or perhaps we are the same people as before dealing with different sin, feel that God's grace is not big enough for what we are dealing with. Our problems are too large and embarrassing to God. We can view God's grace like a sweater that is too small. Try as we might to pull it over ourselves, we are left suffocating. It may cover most of you, but there is still plenty of skin left to cover. The skin tightness of the sweater does not hide much of what you were wishing to cover, nor does it allow you room to breathe. This sweater just doesn't fit right. In the same way, we can feel that God's grace will never cover all of the baggage we carry and will just suffocate us with more guilt of what we really look like.
Thank God that His grace is not like either of these! God's grace is the perfectly fitting sweater for every person no matter what size or shape. God's grace is great enough that it covers all of our sin and leaves us with no unwanted fabric or invisible hands. It is perfect enough that it doesn't leave us self conscious about what we are trying to hide underneath or what is still peeking out. His grace doesn't cut off the circulation in our arms because we tried to stretch it too thin, nor does it leave us even more weighed down with the heaviness of what we don't need. God's grace is exactly what we need. It covers every part that needs to be covered and covers it completely, and it is in His grace that we find perfect warmth and satisfaction knowing that we have been made attractive in His eyes.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
We have finally made it to the last of the Campers, Chickens, and Hot Air Balloons series! It only took, like, 6 months? Oh, but when I read this story, I realize how well worth the wait was! I decided to write about this last week in a post by itself because something amazing happened in this last week that distinguished it from all the other weeks: we got to see God work.
I said in the previous post that I had finally surrendered to God my work. By doing this I gave Him the opportunity to work. I was no longer the one planning what to do or what to say. I no longer had any control over what was happening. (I didn't have any control before, but I guess I wanted to think that I did.) That was where I was at spiritually when this week started, and I only wish it hadn't taken me six weeks to get there.
Being girl's week, and being that we had about 30 girls between the four of us female counselors, we took advantage of the space we had and took over the cabins the boys had been using the weeks before. I was given my own cabin at the other end of the camp site (I was working with another counselor before) and a group of seven girls. Like I said before, each night we were in charge of leading cabin devotions before bed. Being resigned to God's will, not my own plans, I cannot tell you what we talked about each night. I did teach a devotion, I promise, but I could not tell you what any of the devotions were about. I do remember, however, the numerous questions I recieved after each topic was discussed: questions about creation and the validity of the Bible, about angels and God and baptism and salvation. I recieved queston after question after question, and I could not believe the way God was working in the hearts of these girls who desired nothing more than to know the truth. Some of these questions were harder to answer than others, but I tried my best to give the best answers I could. In the end, though, the only answer I really knew was Jesus Christ, so that's what I shared with them.
Each night I was able to share the gospel with my girls and talk about the great love that it took for God to make such a sacrifice. Weeks before, I had planned to give a presentation of the gospel on Wednesday nights (because the gospel is always presented on the 4th night of VBS and stuff), but this week was like a week long explanation of God's love and sacrifice for a relationship with us. Wednesday night came around, and the same thing happened in our cabin that had been happening all week long: questions. And, like every night before, I was able to share the gospel with my girls. This night, however, we were able to have a discussion about what it all meant afterward. We talked about the pain Jesus went through, both physically and spiritually. We talked about how much God loved us, even before we existed. These girls were shocked! Why would God do such a thing for me? Listening to their amazement made me realize the truly amazing thing that God did for me! One girl, after several had made a trip to the bathroom, asked me, "If this is true, then why aren't more people out there telling people about it?" My heart rose and sank at the same time. I was so proud of this girl for realizing the importance of such a decision, but I also realized the weight and depth of such a statement. She was right. Why aren't we taking the message of Jesus more seriously? Why aren't we sharing it more? Why don't we care like we should? This thought has stayed close to my heart ever since that night.
The next morning, as the girls got ready for breakfast, I lay on my bed marveling at how far God had taken us to this last full day of camp. I looked up to see one girl sitting on her bed READING HER BIBLE! I have never smiled so big in my life! I thanked God for the work He was able to do through me when I stepped to the side. God was not done working that day, however.
The whole week we had been preparing a few songs to sing and scriptures to read for our trip to the nursing home the last day. When we finally made it onto the bus to go to the nursing home, everyone was so excited (and loud)! This mood continued as we walked through the different sections of the home, singing "Jesus Loves Me" and "How Great is Our God," yet as time went by, the mood began to change. While we were singing to one elderly gentleman who was sitting in his wheelchair without his teeth in, I looked up to see one girl crying. Soon, another girl joined her, then another one, and another one... but the time we got back on the bus to leave, over half of the girls who were so full of laughter and excitement when we arrived at the nursing home we now silent with soggy faces. We decided that, instead of continuing with the plans we had made, we would move into a time of reflection and devotion when we arrived back at the camp.
We gathered all of the girls in the multipurpose room to talk about what they were going through. Many of them were greiving the loss of loved ones who had spent the last parts of their time in the nursing home. Others were just humbled and broken. One of the other counselors gave a gospel presentation. Then we broke the girls up into groups and prayed with them. I had the privilege of meeting and praying with seven girls. I asked them what God had been doing in their lives that week, and one girl (one in my cabin who had heard an unplanned gospel presentation every night; the one who I had seen reading her Bible that very morning) rose her hand to say that she did not have a relationship with God, but that she wanted to know how to. Wow. In that moment, I was so humbled. We had been restless to see God work and for someone to find His conviction and His truth all summer, and here on the last night of camp for the summer, was this girl who wanted to know Jesus. After I recomposed myself, I asked if there was anyone else in the group of seven who could say the same thing (that they wanted to know what it meant to have a relationship with God), and three more girls rose their hands. I had to sturggle to keep my jaw from hanging in shock at how God was working. I excitedly took these four girls to a corner of a room and shared with them and led them in prayer so that they might have a relationship with God.
If our night stopped there, it would have been exciting enough, but God was not done. I was able to talk to another girl about her conviction to get rid of things that were distrcting her from God and pursue medical missions. Another counselor led another girl to Christ and talked to her about what it means to be saved. God just did incredible things in those few hours. I cannot help but think about how much more He could have done if we had just surrendered to Him humbly in the first place. Yet, He is sovereign and so I trust that He will bring together His good and perfect will and plan, in spite of my mistakes. That is one thing that I find so amazing about Him.
So, that is finally the conclusion of the story of my summer at camp. I pet a chicken, I rode a hot air balloon, I met a lot of people, and I saw God work greatly. It was a great learning experience, and though there were times I wasn't glad for it in the moment, looking back, I appreciate it so much!
I said in the previous post that I had finally surrendered to God my work. By doing this I gave Him the opportunity to work. I was no longer the one planning what to do or what to say. I no longer had any control over what was happening. (I didn't have any control before, but I guess I wanted to think that I did.) That was where I was at spiritually when this week started, and I only wish it hadn't taken me six weeks to get there.
Being girl's week, and being that we had about 30 girls between the four of us female counselors, we took advantage of the space we had and took over the cabins the boys had been using the weeks before. I was given my own cabin at the other end of the camp site (I was working with another counselor before) and a group of seven girls. Like I said before, each night we were in charge of leading cabin devotions before bed. Being resigned to God's will, not my own plans, I cannot tell you what we talked about each night. I did teach a devotion, I promise, but I could not tell you what any of the devotions were about. I do remember, however, the numerous questions I recieved after each topic was discussed: questions about creation and the validity of the Bible, about angels and God and baptism and salvation. I recieved queston after question after question, and I could not believe the way God was working in the hearts of these girls who desired nothing more than to know the truth. Some of these questions were harder to answer than others, but I tried my best to give the best answers I could. In the end, though, the only answer I really knew was Jesus Christ, so that's what I shared with them.
Each night I was able to share the gospel with my girls and talk about the great love that it took for God to make such a sacrifice. Weeks before, I had planned to give a presentation of the gospel on Wednesday nights (because the gospel is always presented on the 4th night of VBS and stuff), but this week was like a week long explanation of God's love and sacrifice for a relationship with us. Wednesday night came around, and the same thing happened in our cabin that had been happening all week long: questions. And, like every night before, I was able to share the gospel with my girls. This night, however, we were able to have a discussion about what it all meant afterward. We talked about the pain Jesus went through, both physically and spiritually. We talked about how much God loved us, even before we existed. These girls were shocked! Why would God do such a thing for me? Listening to their amazement made me realize the truly amazing thing that God did for me! One girl, after several had made a trip to the bathroom, asked me, "If this is true, then why aren't more people out there telling people about it?" My heart rose and sank at the same time. I was so proud of this girl for realizing the importance of such a decision, but I also realized the weight and depth of such a statement. She was right. Why aren't we taking the message of Jesus more seriously? Why aren't we sharing it more? Why don't we care like we should? This thought has stayed close to my heart ever since that night.
The next morning, as the girls got ready for breakfast, I lay on my bed marveling at how far God had taken us to this last full day of camp. I looked up to see one girl sitting on her bed READING HER BIBLE! I have never smiled so big in my life! I thanked God for the work He was able to do through me when I stepped to the side. God was not done working that day, however.
The whole week we had been preparing a few songs to sing and scriptures to read for our trip to the nursing home the last day. When we finally made it onto the bus to go to the nursing home, everyone was so excited (and loud)! This mood continued as we walked through the different sections of the home, singing "Jesus Loves Me" and "How Great is Our God," yet as time went by, the mood began to change. While we were singing to one elderly gentleman who was sitting in his wheelchair without his teeth in, I looked up to see one girl crying. Soon, another girl joined her, then another one, and another one... but the time we got back on the bus to leave, over half of the girls who were so full of laughter and excitement when we arrived at the nursing home we now silent with soggy faces. We decided that, instead of continuing with the plans we had made, we would move into a time of reflection and devotion when we arrived back at the camp.
We gathered all of the girls in the multipurpose room to talk about what they were going through. Many of them were greiving the loss of loved ones who had spent the last parts of their time in the nursing home. Others were just humbled and broken. One of the other counselors gave a gospel presentation. Then we broke the girls up into groups and prayed with them. I had the privilege of meeting and praying with seven girls. I asked them what God had been doing in their lives that week, and one girl (one in my cabin who had heard an unplanned gospel presentation every night; the one who I had seen reading her Bible that very morning) rose her hand to say that she did not have a relationship with God, but that she wanted to know how to. Wow. In that moment, I was so humbled. We had been restless to see God work and for someone to find His conviction and His truth all summer, and here on the last night of camp for the summer, was this girl who wanted to know Jesus. After I recomposed myself, I asked if there was anyone else in the group of seven who could say the same thing (that they wanted to know what it meant to have a relationship with God), and three more girls rose their hands. I had to sturggle to keep my jaw from hanging in shock at how God was working. I excitedly took these four girls to a corner of a room and shared with them and led them in prayer so that they might have a relationship with God.
If our night stopped there, it would have been exciting enough, but God was not done. I was able to talk to another girl about her conviction to get rid of things that were distrcting her from God and pursue medical missions. Another counselor led another girl to Christ and talked to her about what it means to be saved. God just did incredible things in those few hours. I cannot help but think about how much more He could have done if we had just surrendered to Him humbly in the first place. Yet, He is sovereign and so I trust that He will bring together His good and perfect will and plan, in spite of my mistakes. That is one thing that I find so amazing about Him.
So, that is finally the conclusion of the story of my summer at camp. I pet a chicken, I rode a hot air balloon, I met a lot of people, and I saw God work greatly. It was a great learning experience, and though there were times I wasn't glad for it in the moment, looking back, I appreciate it so much!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Exodus 3-4:20
Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the desert and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, "I will go over and see this strange sight--why the bush does not burn up." When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, "Moses! Moses!" And Moses said, "Here I am." "Do not come any closer," God said. "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground." Then he said, "I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob." At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God. The LORD said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey--the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt." But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" And God said, "I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain." Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?" God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' " God also said to Moses, "Say to the Israelites, 'The Lord, the God of your fathers--the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob--has sent me to you.' This is my name forever, the name by which I am to be remembered from generation to generation. "Go, assemble the elders of Israel and say to them, 'The Lord, the God of your fathers--the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob--appeared to me and said: I have watched over you and have seen what has been done to you in Egypt. And I have promised to bring you up out of your misery in Egypt into the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites--a land flowing with milk and honey.' "The elders of Israel will listen to you. Then you and the elders are to go to the king of Egypt and say to him, 'The Lord, the God of the Hebrews, has met with us. Let us take a three-day journey into the desert to offer sacrifices to the LORD our God.' But I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go unless a mighty hand compels him. So I will stretch out my hand and strike the Egyptians with all the wonders that I will perform among them. After that, he will let you go. "And I will make the Egyptians favorably disposed toward this people, so that when you leave you will not go empty-handed. Every woman is to ask her neighbor and any woman living in her house for articles of silver and gold and for clothing, which you will put on your sons and daughters. And so you will plunder the Egyptians." Moses answered, "What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, 'The LORD did not appear to you'?" Then the LORD said to him, "What is that in your hand?" "A staff," he replied. The LORD said, "Throw it on the ground." Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake, and he ran from it. Then the LORD said to him, "Reach out your hand and take it by the tail." So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand. "This," said the Lord, "is so that they may believe that the Lord, the God of their fathers--the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob--has appeared to you." Then the LORD said, "Put your hand inside your cloak." So Moses put his hand into his cloak, and when he took it out, it was leprous, like snow. "Now put it back into your cloak," he said. So Moses put his hand back into his cloak, and when he took it out, it was restored, like the rest of his flesh. Then the LORD said, "If they do not believe you or pay attention to the first miraculous sign, they may believe the second. But if they do not believe these two signs or listen to you, take some water from the Nile and pour it on the dry ground. The water you take from the river will become blood on the ground." Moses said to the Lord, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue." The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it." Then the LORD's anger burned against Moses and he said, "What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and his heart will be glad when he sees you. You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do. He will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth and as if you were God to him. But take this staff in your hand so you can perform miraculous signs with it." Then Moses went back to Jethro his father-in-law and said to him, "Let me go back to my own people in Egypt to see if any of them are still alive." Jethro said, "Go, and I wish you well." Now the LORD had said to Moses in Midian, "Go back to Egypt, for all the men who wanted to kill you are dead." So Moses took his wife and sons, put them on a donkey and started back to Egypt. And he took the staff of God in his hand.
My little brother always wanted to be a missionary. Ever since he knew what one was, he dreamed of going to Africa someday and sharing with them God's word. I, on the other hand, dreamed of becoming a taxi driver and a house painter. (Barney makes eveything look more fun.) As I grew up, though, I aquired new dreams; I wanted to be a painter, a writer, a star. I loved Jesus, but I thought that I deserved to use my creative talents (which, at the time, I thought were much greater than they are in reality) to build up my own success.
I was in nineth grade when a tsunami ripped through Indonesia. I remember listening to other kids in my Spanish I class asking, "Why would God let something like this happen?" Our school hosted a fundraiser with an aid organization to raise money for diaster relief on that side of the world. As the yellow envelope passed around the class to collect money in finally landed on my desk, I reached into my wallet and pulled out the only two dollars I had with me. I looked up to the TV screen to see images of families without fathers, what used to be houses destroyed by the wind, and flood waters up to the trees, and thought to myself, "I wish I could do more." It was then that God broke my heart for missions.
From that point on, I contemplated being a foreign missionary, and I am sure I knew that that was what God was calling me to be, but I couldn't bring myself to accept His call. Fear blocked every thought of surrenderance to missions from my mind. I chose to ignore God's calling until I could no longer.
That summer I went to church camp with my youth group. We had a great time. Yet, I could not tell you anything specific that we did or talked about that week. All I remember was the time of invitation. Every night the pastor gave an invitation to respond to God's calling. he started with the calling into a personal relationship. Then he gave a call to respond to sin that was keeping us from God. Lastly, he gave a call to surrender to "vocational ministry." Every night I felt God tugging and pulling at me to respond to His call, but I ignored it. If I responded, then people would know and I would have to follow through. So I stayed in my seat. Each night, the same call was given and God's pull was even stronger, but I chose to ignore it still. The last night of camp, as we came to a time of invitation, I knew what was coming. I prepared myself to resist God (as if I actually could), but His call was so strong, I realized that I could not anymore. My face was burning red. My heart was beating out of my chest, and I had to do something, so I did the only thing I could: I got up. That night, as scared as I was about what was to come, and as many questions as I had, I surrendered to God my life to use as a messanger of His gospel to the nations.
For the next few years, I contemplated how and where God wanted me to serve. God has given me a heart and a passion for the nations of South East Asia, but I wanted Him to tell me more specifically what He wanted me to do. Junior year rolled around, and as other people started planning and preparing where they wanted to go and what they wanted to study in college, I was still lost searching. One Sunday morning, a missionary to India came and spoke at our church. Again, I could not tell you what was spoken on at all, but I do remember one brief moment when this missionary mentioned an English school for orphans that his ministry has organized. I cannot explain what happened inside of me when I heard this. I do not know what made this idea stick out to me among all of the other things this missionary was sharing, but I so know that as soon as he mentioned teaching English as a foreign language, I knew that was what I wanted to study. I had never before heard of teaching English as a second language. I had no idea what ESL meant. I did not know you could study teaching ESL. I just knew that I was supposed to be doing it.
We got home from church that afternoon, and I told my parents my idea. I think they were happy for me, but I do not remember any significant reaction, positive or negative, coming from them. The next Sunday, when we walked into the sanctuary, there were little slips of paper on each chair listing the foreign mission trips our church would be involved in over the coming year. As I glanced at the little piece of paper, I noticed a trip to South East Asia. I scrolled my eyes over to the description of the trip, only to find that a team was going to teach conversational English! It was the perfect opportunity that God had placed in my lap, and although I was scared, I followed Him anyway.
My trip was probably one of the greatest experiences of my life. However, it also brougt to my mind a lot of worries about the future. These worries were only elevated on my admission to college. I began realizing the greatness of the call God put on my life. I became scared. What would I do in a high risk nation without my family? How would I survive? I realized my lack of qualification. I could never go up to a stranger and begin a conversation, especially with the purpose of sharing something that is highly dangerous in their country to talk about. I can't even manage learning Spanish; how am I supposed to speak another language in order to teach a class a language that is foregin to them? All of these fears built up inside of me. In addition to that, I felt completely inadequate spiritually as well. Who am I to serve God overseas if I cannot regularly set aside time to meet with Him every morning? Who am I to share Jesus with people in another counrty if I struggle to share Jesus with the people I know here? My prayer quickly turned from praise to God about the great work He had done in revealing His plan to a plea for Him to remove it from me. I found myself in Moses's place, asking God to "send someone else to do it."
I have come to realize, though, that God is a big God. The words that He spoke to Moses resonate in my mind: "Who gave man his mouth? Who made him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." God does not need my ablities to work in the world. He chooses to use my surrendered self, but it is He who does the work. I have also come to realize that my life is not mine. I have surrendered it to God. Thus, He is able to place me wherever He desires.
It is a daily struggle for me to continue following the path that God has laid before me, especially given my many fears and uncertainties. I am learning the meaning of picking up my cross daily and following Him. I am learning not to get ahead of myself, but to follow God one step at a time, taking one day at a time. I am trusting Him that years from now, I will be able to look back at all that I have gone through and praise God for doing a marvelous work in my life that I could not imagine.
Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the desert and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, "I will go over and see this strange sight--why the bush does not burn up." When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, "Moses! Moses!" And Moses said, "Here I am." "Do not come any closer," God said. "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground." Then he said, "I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob." At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God. The LORD said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey--the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt." But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" And God said, "I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain." Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?" God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' " God also said to Moses, "Say to the Israelites, 'The Lord, the God of your fathers--the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob--has sent me to you.' This is my name forever, the name by which I am to be remembered from generation to generation. "Go, assemble the elders of Israel and say to them, 'The Lord, the God of your fathers--the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob--appeared to me and said: I have watched over you and have seen what has been done to you in Egypt. And I have promised to bring you up out of your misery in Egypt into the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites--a land flowing with milk and honey.' "The elders of Israel will listen to you. Then you and the elders are to go to the king of Egypt and say to him, 'The Lord, the God of the Hebrews, has met with us. Let us take a three-day journey into the desert to offer sacrifices to the LORD our God.' But I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go unless a mighty hand compels him. So I will stretch out my hand and strike the Egyptians with all the wonders that I will perform among them. After that, he will let you go. "And I will make the Egyptians favorably disposed toward this people, so that when you leave you will not go empty-handed. Every woman is to ask her neighbor and any woman living in her house for articles of silver and gold and for clothing, which you will put on your sons and daughters. And so you will plunder the Egyptians." Moses answered, "What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, 'The LORD did not appear to you'?" Then the LORD said to him, "What is that in your hand?" "A staff," he replied. The LORD said, "Throw it on the ground." Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake, and he ran from it. Then the LORD said to him, "Reach out your hand and take it by the tail." So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand. "This," said the Lord, "is so that they may believe that the Lord, the God of their fathers--the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob--has appeared to you." Then the LORD said, "Put your hand inside your cloak." So Moses put his hand into his cloak, and when he took it out, it was leprous, like snow. "Now put it back into your cloak," he said. So Moses put his hand back into his cloak, and when he took it out, it was restored, like the rest of his flesh. Then the LORD said, "If they do not believe you or pay attention to the first miraculous sign, they may believe the second. But if they do not believe these two signs or listen to you, take some water from the Nile and pour it on the dry ground. The water you take from the river will become blood on the ground." Moses said to the Lord, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue." The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it." Then the LORD's anger burned against Moses and he said, "What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and his heart will be glad when he sees you. You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do. He will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth and as if you were God to him. But take this staff in your hand so you can perform miraculous signs with it." Then Moses went back to Jethro his father-in-law and said to him, "Let me go back to my own people in Egypt to see if any of them are still alive." Jethro said, "Go, and I wish you well." Now the LORD had said to Moses in Midian, "Go back to Egypt, for all the men who wanted to kill you are dead." So Moses took his wife and sons, put them on a donkey and started back to Egypt. And he took the staff of God in his hand.
My little brother always wanted to be a missionary. Ever since he knew what one was, he dreamed of going to Africa someday and sharing with them God's word. I, on the other hand, dreamed of becoming a taxi driver and a house painter. (Barney makes eveything look more fun.) As I grew up, though, I aquired new dreams; I wanted to be a painter, a writer, a star. I loved Jesus, but I thought that I deserved to use my creative talents (which, at the time, I thought were much greater than they are in reality) to build up my own success.
I was in nineth grade when a tsunami ripped through Indonesia. I remember listening to other kids in my Spanish I class asking, "Why would God let something like this happen?" Our school hosted a fundraiser with an aid organization to raise money for diaster relief on that side of the world. As the yellow envelope passed around the class to collect money in finally landed on my desk, I reached into my wallet and pulled out the only two dollars I had with me. I looked up to the TV screen to see images of families without fathers, what used to be houses destroyed by the wind, and flood waters up to the trees, and thought to myself, "I wish I could do more." It was then that God broke my heart for missions.
From that point on, I contemplated being a foreign missionary, and I am sure I knew that that was what God was calling me to be, but I couldn't bring myself to accept His call. Fear blocked every thought of surrenderance to missions from my mind. I chose to ignore God's calling until I could no longer.
That summer I went to church camp with my youth group. We had a great time. Yet, I could not tell you anything specific that we did or talked about that week. All I remember was the time of invitation. Every night the pastor gave an invitation to respond to God's calling. he started with the calling into a personal relationship. Then he gave a call to respond to sin that was keeping us from God. Lastly, he gave a call to surrender to "vocational ministry." Every night I felt God tugging and pulling at me to respond to His call, but I ignored it. If I responded, then people would know and I would have to follow through. So I stayed in my seat. Each night, the same call was given and God's pull was even stronger, but I chose to ignore it still. The last night of camp, as we came to a time of invitation, I knew what was coming. I prepared myself to resist God (as if I actually could), but His call was so strong, I realized that I could not anymore. My face was burning red. My heart was beating out of my chest, and I had to do something, so I did the only thing I could: I got up. That night, as scared as I was about what was to come, and as many questions as I had, I surrendered to God my life to use as a messanger of His gospel to the nations.
For the next few years, I contemplated how and where God wanted me to serve. God has given me a heart and a passion for the nations of South East Asia, but I wanted Him to tell me more specifically what He wanted me to do. Junior year rolled around, and as other people started planning and preparing where they wanted to go and what they wanted to study in college, I was still lost searching. One Sunday morning, a missionary to India came and spoke at our church. Again, I could not tell you what was spoken on at all, but I do remember one brief moment when this missionary mentioned an English school for orphans that his ministry has organized. I cannot explain what happened inside of me when I heard this. I do not know what made this idea stick out to me among all of the other things this missionary was sharing, but I so know that as soon as he mentioned teaching English as a foreign language, I knew that was what I wanted to study. I had never before heard of teaching English as a second language. I had no idea what ESL meant. I did not know you could study teaching ESL. I just knew that I was supposed to be doing it.
We got home from church that afternoon, and I told my parents my idea. I think they were happy for me, but I do not remember any significant reaction, positive or negative, coming from them. The next Sunday, when we walked into the sanctuary, there were little slips of paper on each chair listing the foreign mission trips our church would be involved in over the coming year. As I glanced at the little piece of paper, I noticed a trip to South East Asia. I scrolled my eyes over to the description of the trip, only to find that a team was going to teach conversational English! It was the perfect opportunity that God had placed in my lap, and although I was scared, I followed Him anyway.
My trip was probably one of the greatest experiences of my life. However, it also brougt to my mind a lot of worries about the future. These worries were only elevated on my admission to college. I began realizing the greatness of the call God put on my life. I became scared. What would I do in a high risk nation without my family? How would I survive? I realized my lack of qualification. I could never go up to a stranger and begin a conversation, especially with the purpose of sharing something that is highly dangerous in their country to talk about. I can't even manage learning Spanish; how am I supposed to speak another language in order to teach a class a language that is foregin to them? All of these fears built up inside of me. In addition to that, I felt completely inadequate spiritually as well. Who am I to serve God overseas if I cannot regularly set aside time to meet with Him every morning? Who am I to share Jesus with people in another counrty if I struggle to share Jesus with the people I know here? My prayer quickly turned from praise to God about the great work He had done in revealing His plan to a plea for Him to remove it from me. I found myself in Moses's place, asking God to "send someone else to do it."
I have come to realize, though, that God is a big God. The words that He spoke to Moses resonate in my mind: "Who gave man his mouth? Who made him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." God does not need my ablities to work in the world. He chooses to use my surrendered self, but it is He who does the work. I have also come to realize that my life is not mine. I have surrendered it to God. Thus, He is able to place me wherever He desires.
It is a daily struggle for me to continue following the path that God has laid before me, especially given my many fears and uncertainties. I am learning the meaning of picking up my cross daily and following Him. I am learning not to get ahead of myself, but to follow God one step at a time, taking one day at a time. I am trusting Him that years from now, I will be able to look back at all that I have gone through and praise God for doing a marvelous work in my life that I could not imagine.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Oh my! I am so sorry it has taken me so long to finish the last part of this blogging series! I had totally forgotten about it until... well... now. It is going to take me awhile to rewind that far back in my mind, but let me try. Actually, I think I am going to extend this series for you because I wrote a paper for my English class about our last week of camp, so I'll probably post that separately. Hopefully that will shorten the length of this post. (Which I'm sure would be nice for you all, but it would certainly be nice for me. My fingers get tired!)
We had been warned about the second to last week of camp: Boy's Week by the director of the week before. I realize this is not the forum to vent certain frustrations, but I will say that there were plenty of them. On top of working with difficult adults, we were working with about 30 hyperactive, 4th-7th grade boys. Oh boy(s).
This week was probably the most difficult, but I'm sure it was even moreso for the guys as us girls got to hang out by ourselves during cabin time, and drive to the home we were staying at evey night. (Being boys week, there was no point in us staying overnight when we had no cabin to look over.) The stresses were high, the frustrations were high, and the focus on ministry was very low.
Looking back on this week, I wish I could have done it over. I was so angry with people that I forgot why I was at this camp in the first place. I was not there to make people happy. Really, I wasn't there to run games or music or teach lessons help out with crafts or tell boys what they can or cannot do. I was there to love God and love His children. Though there is no doubt in my mind that God can and will use what happened in that week for His own glory, it is rather difficult for me to look back and recognize the fact that I did not do what I had been called to.
I wish I had some funny stories to tell about this week, but it has been awhile, and most of the things that I do remember I should probably not write about.
Being this was the second to last week of camp and the worst week yet, us counselors were not looking forward to our last week together this summer. We had met the director for girl's week two weeks prior. I guess you could say her motto was, "cleanliness is next to godliness!" as she made clear to us at our initial meeting. Before we even had time to think about what we were going to wear the first day that week (our red camp shirts that we wore every week), she already had a list of every other minor detail that could not be less important going into a week of camp. So, needless to say, we were more than a little discouraged that the very end of our summer was going to turn out so bad. I think we were even more disappointed that God did not seem to be working in any of the lives of the kids we met the whole summer. I prayed the whole week before that God would change our attitudes about the week we were about to face. It was the Thursday night before that I finally surrendered my work to Him. I realized that there was nothing I could do or plan to change lives. It is all His power. I let go of all my plans and ideas and let God lead the way. Only then were we really able to see Him working. It is still amazing to me how when we really pray to God in humility and surrenderance how big He answers our prayers. I don't think any of us were prepared for what we saw Him do that last week...
We had been warned about the second to last week of camp: Boy's Week by the director of the week before. I realize this is not the forum to vent certain frustrations, but I will say that there were plenty of them. On top of working with difficult adults, we were working with about 30 hyperactive, 4th-7th grade boys. Oh boy(s).
This week was probably the most difficult, but I'm sure it was even moreso for the guys as us girls got to hang out by ourselves during cabin time, and drive to the home we were staying at evey night. (Being boys week, there was no point in us staying overnight when we had no cabin to look over.) The stresses were high, the frustrations were high, and the focus on ministry was very low.
Looking back on this week, I wish I could have done it over. I was so angry with people that I forgot why I was at this camp in the first place. I was not there to make people happy. Really, I wasn't there to run games or music or teach lessons help out with crafts or tell boys what they can or cannot do. I was there to love God and love His children. Though there is no doubt in my mind that God can and will use what happened in that week for His own glory, it is rather difficult for me to look back and recognize the fact that I did not do what I had been called to.
I wish I had some funny stories to tell about this week, but it has been awhile, and most of the things that I do remember I should probably not write about.
Being this was the second to last week of camp and the worst week yet, us counselors were not looking forward to our last week together this summer. We had met the director for girl's week two weeks prior. I guess you could say her motto was, "cleanliness is next to godliness!" as she made clear to us at our initial meeting. Before we even had time to think about what we were going to wear the first day that week (our red camp shirts that we wore every week), she already had a list of every other minor detail that could not be less important going into a week of camp. So, needless to say, we were more than a little discouraged that the very end of our summer was going to turn out so bad. I think we were even more disappointed that God did not seem to be working in any of the lives of the kids we met the whole summer. I prayed the whole week before that God would change our attitudes about the week we were about to face. It was the Thursday night before that I finally surrendered my work to Him. I realized that there was nothing I could do or plan to change lives. It is all His power. I let go of all my plans and ideas and let God lead the way. Only then were we really able to see Him working. It is still amazing to me how when we really pray to God in humility and surrenderance how big He answers our prayers. I don't think any of us were prepared for what we saw Him do that last week...
Monday, August 17, 2009
Yes, I have finally made it back to tell you the third part of my story, and I know you are thrilled! I apologize if I am not as detailed with my stroytelling as I have been. It has been a few weeks, and I am much older now and tend to forget things much quicker than before. So, where was I?....
The third week of camp was youth missions week. This week, we were given a mission project to work on helping an elderly lady around the outside of her house. This lady was so kind and patient with all of us (all 6 counselors and 11... then 10... then 9... then 8 kids). The first day we spent doing yard work: raking leaves, picking up trash, pulling weeds, etc. The next few days we spent painting her house.
May I just pause to say that this was a dream come true for me! When I was little (like, still watching Barney little)my dream was to be a house painter when I grew up (or a taxi cab driver, but I don't see that one happening anytime soon).
Anyways, we had 7 girls and 1 boy by the end of the week, and most of them were not very happy to be there. The whole time we heard complaints about when we were going to leave, or wanting to do something else. It was very discouraging for us, who had been called to serve these kids all summer, to hear the selfishness that came out of their mouths. We became broken about the hearts of these kids who did not know how to show great love because they didn't know the greatest love of all. We all met every day to pray and talk about what we could do to bring these kids where they needed to be for God to work in their lives. We just wanted a serious response from these kids that we had not gotten thus far. The night after our big prayer meeting, we all settled down for cabin devotions. The kids had apparently been led in a great campfire devotion by one of the other counselors (I was unfortunately unpresent), because when we got settled for our devotion time, they all started asking some really great serious questions about God and the Bible and what is true and why... As difficult as it was to answer some of their questions, it was so sweet and encouraginging to know that they were really thinking about spiritual things.
The fourth week of camp was music week. This was probably one of the best organized weeks of camp. If it were not for all of the camper drama, it would have been one of the best weeks. The kids spent a lot of time learning about music theory (basic basic stuff) and practicing songs for their performance at the end of the week. Because teaching music takes a considerable amount of talent, the director for the week took charge of this part of the week. It was very nice to be able to take a break and chill in a quiet, air conditioned room. The director for this week was so real, so down to earth, so helpful, so kind and patient, so nice... I can't say enough good things about her! I almost felt bad that she had to deal with everything that she did!
The kids we were working with this week were in 4th-7th grade. It was difficult to stop all of the matchmaking that went on among some of the more immature ones. There was no need for these 10 year olds to have "boyfriends" or "girlfriends," yet it seemed like all conversation seemed to revolve around that exact subject. On top of that, we had a lot of hypochondriacs (mostly girls). So many kids "needed" band-aids and tylenol... too many. This caused a lot of problems, even with some parents.
So, I've been waiting to talk to you about the last part of the title of this series, and I'm sure you have been to. During this week, we were able to take the kids off the camp site to a field nearby where, every year during this time, all of the local hot air balloon pilots gather and give people rides in tethered balloons. (They only go up about 50 feet and then come back down.) It was our job (as summer missionaries and humble servants) to help out the pilots where they needed it. For the first part of the evening, two of the other girls and I helped out holding the very heavy balloon filled with hot air down to the ground with the wind working in the oposite direction. We tried our hardest not to fail, but I'm sure the people we were working with were glad to get rid of us, because two of us and one of the guys were sent to help another pilot who was not giving rides, but actually flying. So, the three of us, who had never before been in a hot air balloon before, helped put it together. Who knew it was so complicated!? There were so many steps and parts and things to do, and it was all so heavy! After we assembled the balloon, then we got to ride in it! (This is how they test to make sure that you constructed it correctly.) I got the honor of riding from one field to another across some powerlines and landing back on the ground sideways. The pilot didn't seemed too concerned about it, though, so I decided not to be either. This was probably one of the greatest highlights of my summer: crashing in a hot air balloon.
It was quite a long week, drama included. However, we had completed more than half of our summer and only had two weeks left! Whoo-Hooo! :)
Return soon for the conclusion of our four part series...
The third week of camp was youth missions week. This week, we were given a mission project to work on helping an elderly lady around the outside of her house. This lady was so kind and patient with all of us (all 6 counselors and 11... then 10... then 9... then 8 kids). The first day we spent doing yard work: raking leaves, picking up trash, pulling weeds, etc. The next few days we spent painting her house.
May I just pause to say that this was a dream come true for me! When I was little (like, still watching Barney little)my dream was to be a house painter when I grew up (or a taxi cab driver, but I don't see that one happening anytime soon).
Anyways, we had 7 girls and 1 boy by the end of the week, and most of them were not very happy to be there. The whole time we heard complaints about when we were going to leave, or wanting to do something else. It was very discouraging for us, who had been called to serve these kids all summer, to hear the selfishness that came out of their mouths. We became broken about the hearts of these kids who did not know how to show great love because they didn't know the greatest love of all. We all met every day to pray and talk about what we could do to bring these kids where they needed to be for God to work in their lives. We just wanted a serious response from these kids that we had not gotten thus far. The night after our big prayer meeting, we all settled down for cabin devotions. The kids had apparently been led in a great campfire devotion by one of the other counselors (I was unfortunately unpresent), because when we got settled for our devotion time, they all started asking some really great serious questions about God and the Bible and what is true and why... As difficult as it was to answer some of their questions, it was so sweet and encouraginging to know that they were really thinking about spiritual things.
The fourth week of camp was music week. This was probably one of the best organized weeks of camp. If it were not for all of the camper drama, it would have been one of the best weeks. The kids spent a lot of time learning about music theory (basic basic stuff) and practicing songs for their performance at the end of the week. Because teaching music takes a considerable amount of talent, the director for the week took charge of this part of the week. It was very nice to be able to take a break and chill in a quiet, air conditioned room. The director for this week was so real, so down to earth, so helpful, so kind and patient, so nice... I can't say enough good things about her! I almost felt bad that she had to deal with everything that she did!
The kids we were working with this week were in 4th-7th grade. It was difficult to stop all of the matchmaking that went on among some of the more immature ones. There was no need for these 10 year olds to have "boyfriends" or "girlfriends," yet it seemed like all conversation seemed to revolve around that exact subject. On top of that, we had a lot of hypochondriacs (mostly girls). So many kids "needed" band-aids and tylenol... too many. This caused a lot of problems, even with some parents.
So, I've been waiting to talk to you about the last part of the title of this series, and I'm sure you have been to. During this week, we were able to take the kids off the camp site to a field nearby where, every year during this time, all of the local hot air balloon pilots gather and give people rides in tethered balloons. (They only go up about 50 feet and then come back down.) It was our job (as summer missionaries and humble servants) to help out the pilots where they needed it. For the first part of the evening, two of the other girls and I helped out holding the very heavy balloon filled with hot air down to the ground with the wind working in the oposite direction. We tried our hardest not to fail, but I'm sure the people we were working with were glad to get rid of us, because two of us and one of the guys were sent to help another pilot who was not giving rides, but actually flying. So, the three of us, who had never before been in a hot air balloon before, helped put it together. Who knew it was so complicated!? There were so many steps and parts and things to do, and it was all so heavy! After we assembled the balloon, then we got to ride in it! (This is how they test to make sure that you constructed it correctly.) I got the honor of riding from one field to another across some powerlines and landing back on the ground sideways. The pilot didn't seemed too concerned about it, though, so I decided not to be either. This was probably one of the greatest highlights of my summer: crashing in a hot air balloon.
It was quite a long week, drama included. However, we had completed more than half of our summer and only had two weeks left! Whoo-Hooo! :)
Return soon for the conclusion of our four part series...
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I thought perhaps I'd take a break from writing about camp. It's a subject that needs motivation to write about, and right now, I'm motivated in another direction. In a way, though, I guess I am sort of gonna talk about camp anyways, or at least something I learned while I was there. I want to talk about evangelism.
Every time I hear that word, I shutter. Perhaps it is wrong of me. It's not that I don't enjoy seeing people come to know Christ! I can think of no greater thing to be excited about! The process of sharing the gospel with someone, though, is, truth be told, less than that. (Now, before you write me off as a heathen and a heretic, let me finish.) I will be the first to admit that I do not have the gift of evangelism. When it comes to explaining the process by which we come to God, I am left fumbling for words. It's embarrassing for me to say that I am no good at explaining something that is such a big part of my life! Perhaps that's why I shutter: because I'm embarrassed. Perhaps it's because I'm fearful of what people might say or think. Whatever it is, it is something I have been faced with this summer, when I realized the need for the gospel in the lives of these kids.
It seemed like we had a schedule for everything at camp this summer: wake up, go to sleep, eat food, play games, go swimming, take showers... you name it, we had a time slot for it. I guess I kind of assumed then that sharing the gospel should have a time slot as well. It only seemed appropriate that it be shared on the fourth night of camp, just like it's done in VBS and every other organized church event. However, after it had not been shared for two weeks after the first week, us counselors kind of figured we were expected to pick up the ball that had been dropped. I tried sharing the plan of salvation in my cabin during our devotion time before bed for a couple weeks, but we didn't see any fruit from it. The next week, I shared the gospel during the campfire, but again, it was fruitless. It was discouraging to see nothing happen. Nobody was saved, nobody was convicted of sin, nobody cared. It was that night after the campfire that I cried out to God asking Him for help. I knew that I could never come up with the right words to say to reach these kids. I knew that there was nothing I could do to make them draw close to God. but I knew that God was able to open up hearts and fill my mouth with His word. So I asked Him to do just that. I surrendered all of my planning and strategies and asked Him to guide every action, every conversation, everything that would happen the following week.
The next week i had no plan as to what to do my evening devotions on. I would think of a couple ideas throughout the day, and ask God to lead our cabin conversation in the way he wanted it to go. Oh boy, did He take us places! Starting the first night, my campers bombarded me with questions about God and salvation and baptism and creation and everything else under the sun! I hope that God spoke to their hearts, because I don't even remember half of the things that came out of my mouth in response to many of the tough questions they were asking. This happened every night, but through it I was able to speak about what it meant to be saved and what it meant to have a relationship with Christ. The second-to-last night (may I just say that God is so good! He knows what He's doing!), all of our conversation and questions led right into a gospel presentation. Unlike the other weeks when I felt like the conversation just dropped after I was done speaking, though, they continued to ask questions and share thoughts about salvation. It was so exciting for me to witness how God was working in their hearts! We stayed up an extra hour and a half talking about God's free gift of eternal life through the sacrifice of His Son.
You know, sometimes it amazes me how shocked we are when God does what He promises to. I had asked God to take over the week and lead it toward Him, and He did exactly that. I gave up all that I had planned and expected to DO and let Him MINISTER to these kids. I was so caught up in the schedule of things that I had not relied on Him to take us where we needed to go, but when I surrendered myself to Him to do what He pleased, then He did great things not only in the lives of these kids, but it my life as well. I am so excited to be able to say that God did amazing things that week. We were able to talk to many of the campers that week about what God was doing in their lives and found that He was working in their hearts and convicting them of many different things. It's exciting for me to say that we even saw some come to know Christ as their Savior!
Through all of the happenings of that week compared to the weeks prior, I learned that "evangelism" is not a specific speech you say at a specific time. Instead, it is the constant lifestyle and conversation that points to Christ and what He has done for us. I learned that, though it is important to be purposeful in your speech and manner, it is also important to be mindful of God and where He is leading and to rely on Him for all sources of wisdom and strength. It is Him to does the work anyways. We are just privileged to be His tools.
Every time I hear that word, I shutter. Perhaps it is wrong of me. It's not that I don't enjoy seeing people come to know Christ! I can think of no greater thing to be excited about! The process of sharing the gospel with someone, though, is, truth be told, less than that. (Now, before you write me off as a heathen and a heretic, let me finish.) I will be the first to admit that I do not have the gift of evangelism. When it comes to explaining the process by which we come to God, I am left fumbling for words. It's embarrassing for me to say that I am no good at explaining something that is such a big part of my life! Perhaps that's why I shutter: because I'm embarrassed. Perhaps it's because I'm fearful of what people might say or think. Whatever it is, it is something I have been faced with this summer, when I realized the need for the gospel in the lives of these kids.
It seemed like we had a schedule for everything at camp this summer: wake up, go to sleep, eat food, play games, go swimming, take showers... you name it, we had a time slot for it. I guess I kind of assumed then that sharing the gospel should have a time slot as well. It only seemed appropriate that it be shared on the fourth night of camp, just like it's done in VBS and every other organized church event. However, after it had not been shared for two weeks after the first week, us counselors kind of figured we were expected to pick up the ball that had been dropped. I tried sharing the plan of salvation in my cabin during our devotion time before bed for a couple weeks, but we didn't see any fruit from it. The next week, I shared the gospel during the campfire, but again, it was fruitless. It was discouraging to see nothing happen. Nobody was saved, nobody was convicted of sin, nobody cared. It was that night after the campfire that I cried out to God asking Him for help. I knew that I could never come up with the right words to say to reach these kids. I knew that there was nothing I could do to make them draw close to God. but I knew that God was able to open up hearts and fill my mouth with His word. So I asked Him to do just that. I surrendered all of my planning and strategies and asked Him to guide every action, every conversation, everything that would happen the following week.
The next week i had no plan as to what to do my evening devotions on. I would think of a couple ideas throughout the day, and ask God to lead our cabin conversation in the way he wanted it to go. Oh boy, did He take us places! Starting the first night, my campers bombarded me with questions about God and salvation and baptism and creation and everything else under the sun! I hope that God spoke to their hearts, because I don't even remember half of the things that came out of my mouth in response to many of the tough questions they were asking. This happened every night, but through it I was able to speak about what it meant to be saved and what it meant to have a relationship with Christ. The second-to-last night (may I just say that God is so good! He knows what He's doing!), all of our conversation and questions led right into a gospel presentation. Unlike the other weeks when I felt like the conversation just dropped after I was done speaking, though, they continued to ask questions and share thoughts about salvation. It was so exciting for me to witness how God was working in their hearts! We stayed up an extra hour and a half talking about God's free gift of eternal life through the sacrifice of His Son.
You know, sometimes it amazes me how shocked we are when God does what He promises to. I had asked God to take over the week and lead it toward Him, and He did exactly that. I gave up all that I had planned and expected to DO and let Him MINISTER to these kids. I was so caught up in the schedule of things that I had not relied on Him to take us where we needed to go, but when I surrendered myself to Him to do what He pleased, then He did great things not only in the lives of these kids, but it my life as well. I am so excited to be able to say that God did amazing things that week. We were able to talk to many of the campers that week about what God was doing in their lives and found that He was working in their hearts and convicting them of many different things. It's exciting for me to say that we even saw some come to know Christ as their Savior!
Through all of the happenings of that week compared to the weeks prior, I learned that "evangelism" is not a specific speech you say at a specific time. Instead, it is the constant lifestyle and conversation that points to Christ and what He has done for us. I learned that, though it is important to be purposeful in your speech and manner, it is also important to be mindful of God and where He is leading and to rely on Him for all sources of wisdom and strength. It is Him to does the work anyways. We are just privileged to be His tools.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
(Before I continue with my story, I would like to give a short intro) Right now it is almost 2 in the morning, and although I will have to get up at 6:30, I am still awake. "Why?" you may ask: because.... I GOT A NEW LAPTOP!!!! I am SOOOO excited right now! Each keystroke fills my heart with greater excitement! Anyways, I still should probably not be up at this hour, but I am, so I figured I would spend my time continuing my account of camp:
The second week of camp was 2nd and 3rd grade week. This was the only short week of the year, only going from Sunday to Wednesday. If it had gone on any longer, I think we all would have died. Each Sunday afternoon, we would arrive at camp an hour before the campers could check in. (If you're thinking that an hour is not enough time to be given instructions on our responsibilities for the week, you are absolutely right.) In this time, our director for the week (yes, the director changes EVERY week, only causing more stress and confusion on our part) came out of the "staff cabin," handed each of us a folder with a 5 page schedule in it, turned right back around, and went back inside. Coming from the great experience we had last week, it was quite a shock to know that we would be in charge of running all activities, beginning in less than an hour. This included puppets, crafts, Bible story time, music, (because we HAD to have a program to perform for all the parents), games, devotions, and everything in between. With no help from the director (in fact, we barely even SAW the director), we were pretty stressed.
The highlight of that week was our first trip to the miniature horse farm. Bless the lady's heart that owns all of these horses! I have never met a more proud, dedicated horse owner (granted, I haven't met barely any horse owners, but that's beside the point). We were informed that we were not to call these horses "ponies" because they were not "ponies," they were horses (oh, except for the one miniature donkey, but we were told not to tell her she's a donkey, because it hurts her feelings!) Among the horses were Joe, a champion stallion, FWR Midnight Sneekers, and, our personal favorite, Coupon! After the 2 hour tour, we all climbed back onto the tractor trailer that we had riden on (of course, the director drove her own vehicle), and crossed back over the highway to get to camp! This was the first of four trips to the horse farm, and it didn't get any more interesting than that. So, I guess looking back on the week, there aren't a lot of dramatic stories to tell after all, but that doesn't mean it didn't have it's stressful moments!
Tune in next time for the continuation of... "Campers, Chickens, and Hot Air Balloons!"
The second week of camp was 2nd and 3rd grade week. This was the only short week of the year, only going from Sunday to Wednesday. If it had gone on any longer, I think we all would have died. Each Sunday afternoon, we would arrive at camp an hour before the campers could check in. (If you're thinking that an hour is not enough time to be given instructions on our responsibilities for the week, you are absolutely right.) In this time, our director for the week (yes, the director changes EVERY week, only causing more stress and confusion on our part) came out of the "staff cabin," handed each of us a folder with a 5 page schedule in it, turned right back around, and went back inside. Coming from the great experience we had last week, it was quite a shock to know that we would be in charge of running all activities, beginning in less than an hour. This included puppets, crafts, Bible story time, music, (because we HAD to have a program to perform for all the parents), games, devotions, and everything in between. With no help from the director (in fact, we barely even SAW the director), we were pretty stressed.
The highlight of that week was our first trip to the miniature horse farm. Bless the lady's heart that owns all of these horses! I have never met a more proud, dedicated horse owner (granted, I haven't met barely any horse owners, but that's beside the point). We were informed that we were not to call these horses "ponies" because they were not "ponies," they were horses (oh, except for the one miniature donkey, but we were told not to tell her she's a donkey, because it hurts her feelings!) Among the horses were Joe, a champion stallion, FWR Midnight Sneekers, and, our personal favorite, Coupon! After the 2 hour tour, we all climbed back onto the tractor trailer that we had riden on (of course, the director drove her own vehicle), and crossed back over the highway to get to camp! This was the first of four trips to the horse farm, and it didn't get any more interesting than that. So, I guess looking back on the week, there aren't a lot of dramatic stories to tell after all, but that doesn't mean it didn't have it's stressful moments!
Tune in next time for the continuation of... "Campers, Chickens, and Hot Air Balloons!"
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Ahhhhh! For the past 7 weeks of my life, I've been working at a small, rustic camp in a small, country town in southern Virginia, and that is all I have to say. Had I any idea what I would be getting myself into, I might have thought twice about accepting the position, but I was young and naive then. So, here I am 7 weeks older, and ready to spill all the dirty details of my time at camp!
The first week we spent getting the camp cleaned up and ready for the rest of the summer. This included moving 8,000- let me repeat: 8,000- expired bottles of gatorade that had been graciously donated to the camp by another organization. Of course, wouldn't you know that the day we had to move the gatorade, God would make it rain. I've always said there's no better way to start off a summer of camp than drenched in water, sweat, and mud! (Actually, I've never said that until now.) Anyways, being that none of us workers knew each other, it was an awkwardly silent week, which only added to the intimidation I already felt.
Of the group, I was the least experienced. I had never worked at a camp before, I had only finished my first year of school, and had no clue what I was doing. I felt overwhelmed. It was on one of these days that God brought me to Psalm 127 where it says, "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain." I realized that if I relied on my own efforts to get me through the summer, I would be defeated. God was calling me to trust Him and rely on Him for strength. If I wanted anything to be done successfully, I had to be fully dependent on Him. When I realized this, I gained such a peace. I no longer had to worry about being the youngest or the least experienced. I didn't have to worry about anything, because God was in charge, not me. (Later would I learn that I was not the youngest, nor the only one who felt like they didn't know what they were doing.)
That first week we spent with the camp manager and her husband and her 12 year old daughter. When we (the other 2 girl counselors and I) hopped into the truck with this lady and her daughter, the first words to me from this girl were, "Do you like chickens?" I guess it would be helpful for you to know that fowl frighten me. Yes, to my own admittance and embarrassment, I am afraid of birds. (Why is a long story that I have no time to go into if I am to explain all the happenings of more than a month, so I will leave that for another day and entry.) So, when I recieved this question, I nervously smiled and chuckled it off, hoping she wasn't looking for a serious answer. She then proceeded to tell me all about the pet chickens that she had at home that she would love to show us. Being in a small, rural town, I guess I shouldn't have been as shocked and suprised when we pulled onto a dirt road leading to their farm, but, like I said, I was young and naive. As soon as we got out of the truck, we were led to the side of the house where the chickens are. This girl let out all of the chickens (about a dozen of them), picked one up, and brought it over to us to pet. I could imagine in my mind the bird snapping off my finger with its beak as I reached to pet it, but I gulped down my heart that was now in my throat, and reached out to pet it anyways. It didn't bite me; it didn't even look at me. Praise the Lord, I was safe! We then proceeded into the house, manouvering over about 40 cats (no exaggeration there. seriously: 40 cats). I guess it would also be nice to inform you that I am moderately allergic to cats. It was then that I knew that God had a sense of humor to send me to a place where I had to try my hardest to avoid cats and chickens!
The first official week of camp was awesome. We had some great directors come in. They really had a great vision for the week and had worked really hard on preparing everything before the week started. They assigned each of us one Bible study lesson to teach during the week and a class to teach each day. One group of us taught an acting class and was given a list of objectives and activities. Another pair taught an improv class and was given the same thing. I was one of the luck pair who got to teach the "creative movement" class. Now, I know you can't see me from your computer screen, but I promise you, I am white inside and out, and there aint no way I will ever be able to move creatively, much more teach others to! We were given no objectives, no activities, no nothing. We were told to give the kids samples of music and ideas on what they could do to the music, and let them create a routine to perform for the parents at the end of the week. Luckly, understanding the position she had put us in, the director helped out the class a lot, and the kids came up with some great ideas and routines. All in all, it was a sucessful very-first-week-ever as camp couselor. We ended the week ready for the weekend, but eager to know what the next week would bring. Had we know what it did bring, we would not have been so eager...
TO BE CONTINUED!
The first week we spent getting the camp cleaned up and ready for the rest of the summer. This included moving 8,000- let me repeat: 8,000- expired bottles of gatorade that had been graciously donated to the camp by another organization. Of course, wouldn't you know that the day we had to move the gatorade, God would make it rain. I've always said there's no better way to start off a summer of camp than drenched in water, sweat, and mud! (Actually, I've never said that until now.) Anyways, being that none of us workers knew each other, it was an awkwardly silent week, which only added to the intimidation I already felt.
Of the group, I was the least experienced. I had never worked at a camp before, I had only finished my first year of school, and had no clue what I was doing. I felt overwhelmed. It was on one of these days that God brought me to Psalm 127 where it says, "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain." I realized that if I relied on my own efforts to get me through the summer, I would be defeated. God was calling me to trust Him and rely on Him for strength. If I wanted anything to be done successfully, I had to be fully dependent on Him. When I realized this, I gained such a peace. I no longer had to worry about being the youngest or the least experienced. I didn't have to worry about anything, because God was in charge, not me. (Later would I learn that I was not the youngest, nor the only one who felt like they didn't know what they were doing.)
That first week we spent with the camp manager and her husband and her 12 year old daughter. When we (the other 2 girl counselors and I) hopped into the truck with this lady and her daughter, the first words to me from this girl were, "Do you like chickens?" I guess it would be helpful for you to know that fowl frighten me. Yes, to my own admittance and embarrassment, I am afraid of birds. (Why is a long story that I have no time to go into if I am to explain all the happenings of more than a month, so I will leave that for another day and entry.) So, when I recieved this question, I nervously smiled and chuckled it off, hoping she wasn't looking for a serious answer. She then proceeded to tell me all about the pet chickens that she had at home that she would love to show us. Being in a small, rural town, I guess I shouldn't have been as shocked and suprised when we pulled onto a dirt road leading to their farm, but, like I said, I was young and naive. As soon as we got out of the truck, we were led to the side of the house where the chickens are. This girl let out all of the chickens (about a dozen of them), picked one up, and brought it over to us to pet. I could imagine in my mind the bird snapping off my finger with its beak as I reached to pet it, but I gulped down my heart that was now in my throat, and reached out to pet it anyways. It didn't bite me; it didn't even look at me. Praise the Lord, I was safe! We then proceeded into the house, manouvering over about 40 cats (no exaggeration there. seriously: 40 cats). I guess it would also be nice to inform you that I am moderately allergic to cats. It was then that I knew that God had a sense of humor to send me to a place where I had to try my hardest to avoid cats and chickens!
The first official week of camp was awesome. We had some great directors come in. They really had a great vision for the week and had worked really hard on preparing everything before the week started. They assigned each of us one Bible study lesson to teach during the week and a class to teach each day. One group of us taught an acting class and was given a list of objectives and activities. Another pair taught an improv class and was given the same thing. I was one of the luck pair who got to teach the "creative movement" class. Now, I know you can't see me from your computer screen, but I promise you, I am white inside and out, and there aint no way I will ever be able to move creatively, much more teach others to! We were given no objectives, no activities, no nothing. We were told to give the kids samples of music and ideas on what they could do to the music, and let them create a routine to perform for the parents at the end of the week. Luckly, understanding the position she had put us in, the director helped out the class a lot, and the kids came up with some great ideas and routines. All in all, it was a sucessful very-first-week-ever as camp couselor. We ended the week ready for the weekend, but eager to know what the next week would bring. Had we know what it did bring, we would not have been so eager...
TO BE CONTINUED!
Monday, May 25, 2009
So, yesterday morning, before Sunday School started, I got a chance to catch up with some friends that I haven't seen in awhile. We chatted about how our semesters went, what our summer plans were, yatti-yatta-ya, and it was interesting to here how much our plans had changed since we got out of high school just a year ago. From music to worship, from missions to early education, from lawyer to professor, from music to sports medicine... it seems like everyone is deciding that their lives are meant to go in other directions. It just reminded me of how great God's plans are- so much greater than our own.
I love to be in-the-know. I love to know what's going on... not just in my own life, but in everyone else's, too! (God bless the man I marry!) Part of knowing what's going on is planning what's coming ahead, and I do that very well. Before I even packed up my stuff to head off to college, I thought I had my whole future planned out. I was going to study Teaching ESL. I was going to learn Chinese and travel to East Asia where I would teach English at a high school level. I was going to have a wonderful life living for God! Then, I got to college, and the reality of paving the way for my future really hit me like a brick in the head. When I regained conciousness, I became paniced and worried! Who am I to teach a foreign language to kids on the other side of the planet!? How am I supposed to learn Chinese when I barely passed Spanish in high school!? How in the world am I going to get over there, and who's going to give me a job!? Where am I going to take Chinese when I'm at a school who doesn't teach it!? Granted, a lot of these questions don't need answering in just your first year, but these were just a few of the many worries going through my head. There were so many times I thought about switching my major to Elementary Ed. I thought, "Who am I to teach a foreign language when I can't even learn one!? Why don't I just do something I know I enjoy and can do well?" I felt like everything I had planned was falling apart, and I didn't know what to do.
But you know, God showed me His sovereignty over all things. He showed me that He has a plan, and that I am in it. He has not allowed me to see the whole picture of His plan. I think that if I did, I wouldn't be dependent on Him like I need to be. But I am dependent on Him. I cannot lean on my own understanding, but I have to fully rely on him to show me where I need to go. His plans may not always be my plans, but they are always better than my own plans. This is something I've learned. It's been tough planning for next year. Class schedules are never fun to figure out, and it seems like I've had an especially difficult time putting mine together, getting the classes I need, getting the credit hours I need, getting into the programs I need... it's all a big mess, and I have to admit, there are times I get mighty anxious and worried about what's going to happen, but I know that God is in control. Perhaps I won't get into the classes I need next semester. Perhaps I won't get the job that I want. Perhaps I won't become a great English teacher in China. I just need to take it one step at a time, and follow where God leads. He knows what He's doing. He's got it all planned out, and though I may not know what the plan is right now, I know it's gonna be great! :)
I love to be in-the-know. I love to know what's going on... not just in my own life, but in everyone else's, too! (God bless the man I marry!) Part of knowing what's going on is planning what's coming ahead, and I do that very well. Before I even packed up my stuff to head off to college, I thought I had my whole future planned out. I was going to study Teaching ESL. I was going to learn Chinese and travel to East Asia where I would teach English at a high school level. I was going to have a wonderful life living for God! Then, I got to college, and the reality of paving the way for my future really hit me like a brick in the head. When I regained conciousness, I became paniced and worried! Who am I to teach a foreign language to kids on the other side of the planet!? How am I supposed to learn Chinese when I barely passed Spanish in high school!? How in the world am I going to get over there, and who's going to give me a job!? Where am I going to take Chinese when I'm at a school who doesn't teach it!? Granted, a lot of these questions don't need answering in just your first year, but these were just a few of the many worries going through my head. There were so many times I thought about switching my major to Elementary Ed. I thought, "Who am I to teach a foreign language when I can't even learn one!? Why don't I just do something I know I enjoy and can do well?" I felt like everything I had planned was falling apart, and I didn't know what to do.
But you know, God showed me His sovereignty over all things. He showed me that He has a plan, and that I am in it. He has not allowed me to see the whole picture of His plan. I think that if I did, I wouldn't be dependent on Him like I need to be. But I am dependent on Him. I cannot lean on my own understanding, but I have to fully rely on him to show me where I need to go. His plans may not always be my plans, but they are always better than my own plans. This is something I've learned. It's been tough planning for next year. Class schedules are never fun to figure out, and it seems like I've had an especially difficult time putting mine together, getting the classes I need, getting the credit hours I need, getting into the programs I need... it's all a big mess, and I have to admit, there are times I get mighty anxious and worried about what's going to happen, but I know that God is in control. Perhaps I won't get into the classes I need next semester. Perhaps I won't get the job that I want. Perhaps I won't become a great English teacher in China. I just need to take it one step at a time, and follow where God leads. He knows what He's doing. He's got it all planned out, and though I may not know what the plan is right now, I know it's gonna be great! :)
Friday, May 22, 2009
Ahh! It's summer! No more waking up early to rush to class, no more pulling all-nighters to finish a paper, no more stinky cafeteria food... well, at least not until August. I know a lot of people are busy right after school ends with jobs and travel and stuff, but while I'm waiting for camp to start (that's where I'll be working this summer) next month, I have a lot of time to do absolutely nothing. Sure, for a couple of days, it's really nice to have no responsibilities and to just bum on the couch. After awhile, though, it becomes harder to do anything but vegg. I'm going to be extremely honest right now, which is really hard, even over the internet: I've had a lot of free time to give in to a lot of temptation.
I LOVE watching movies. Love love love it. It's easy sometimes to get so caught up in the storyline of the movie, that you become unsatisfied with your own life... or at least I do. Watching so many movies has made me extremely empty for so many reasons. These people are living extraordinary lives, even if they are only portrayed as ordinary in the movie.
Picture this: Suzzie is just an average woman, living by herself in some city, who makes her living as a dog walker. Then, one day, she suddenly becomes involved in a dramatic plot as one leash slips from her hands as she's saying goodbye to her friend (a successful business woman, just engaged, who insists Suzzie needs to meet a guy soon, because, come on, let's face it, she's not getting any younger!), and one of her dogs runs off. She frantically chases after her furry client while trying to juggle all of her other dogs. She comes to a stop as she find the lost dog in the arms of an attractive man who, though she doesn't know it, just lost his wife and has moved to this city to try and build a new life. Through a series of dramatic, touching events, the two fall in love and by the end of the movie, begin their new happy life together running a cute, wittingly named new business. The end. *sigh*
See, even the ordinary get a super cool plot, a super cute guy, and a happily ever after: everything that I have yet to find in my own life. So, maybe the movie makes me feel good for about a minute, but after that, all I feel is empty. So do you know what I do? I watch another one to make me feel better, but really, it only makes me feel worse. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror and smile. I couldn't enjoy being around people. I couldn't stop pouting over the numerous relationships going on around me. After a week or so, I became aware of how miserable I had become! It was then that I realized that God did not call me to a miserable, empty life, but a full and abundant one! I felt empty because I was looking at other things for fullfilment. I was unhappy because I was looking at other things to bring me happiness.
God doesn't disappoint. I don't understand why it is so hard for me to understand that! I am so stuck on finding fulfillment somewhere else, when the only One who can bring true fulfillment is standing right next to me and lives inside of me! How does this make any sense!? Why am I so dense!? I have learned and been reminded time and time again of His sufficiency and the satisfaction a life focused on Him brings! It is no longer about me and what I want, but it is about something greater. Life is now about what He desires, what His plans are, carrying out His purposes. When I surrender all I have to God, then I don't have to worry or feel empty, because he is in control, and I know I can trust he to do what is best because, I mean, come on! He's God! Of course He's gonna do what's best!
It sounds so good, and it really is, but it is SO hard to live by! Surrender every part of my life? Even that little thing I find enjoyment in? I know that it may not be the best for me, but i like it! Do i really have to give it up for God?
I wish things were easier. Sometimes I wish that God would just take away the bad stuff in my life, whether I want Him to or not, but that's not what He wants from us. God very much could take away it all, but he asks us to give it up. It's our choice. How much more does it mean if we give it up than if He takes it from us? It is a daily struggle for me to surrender my life to Christ. I must die to my self daily so that I can live for Him, but the life which I find that I am leading when I do live for Him is a much more abundant and fulfilled life than the one I would be leading if I still lived for myself.
So, I may never find "Mr. Right." I may never have that crazy story with a romantic ending. But what I have found is much greater: I've found God! He is my excedingly great reward.
I LOVE watching movies. Love love love it. It's easy sometimes to get so caught up in the storyline of the movie, that you become unsatisfied with your own life... or at least I do. Watching so many movies has made me extremely empty for so many reasons. These people are living extraordinary lives, even if they are only portrayed as ordinary in the movie.
Picture this: Suzzie is just an average woman, living by herself in some city, who makes her living as a dog walker. Then, one day, she suddenly becomes involved in a dramatic plot as one leash slips from her hands as she's saying goodbye to her friend (a successful business woman, just engaged, who insists Suzzie needs to meet a guy soon, because, come on, let's face it, she's not getting any younger!), and one of her dogs runs off. She frantically chases after her furry client while trying to juggle all of her other dogs. She comes to a stop as she find the lost dog in the arms of an attractive man who, though she doesn't know it, just lost his wife and has moved to this city to try and build a new life. Through a series of dramatic, touching events, the two fall in love and by the end of the movie, begin their new happy life together running a cute, wittingly named new business. The end. *sigh*
See, even the ordinary get a super cool plot, a super cute guy, and a happily ever after: everything that I have yet to find in my own life. So, maybe the movie makes me feel good for about a minute, but after that, all I feel is empty. So do you know what I do? I watch another one to make me feel better, but really, it only makes me feel worse. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror and smile. I couldn't enjoy being around people. I couldn't stop pouting over the numerous relationships going on around me. After a week or so, I became aware of how miserable I had become! It was then that I realized that God did not call me to a miserable, empty life, but a full and abundant one! I felt empty because I was looking at other things for fullfilment. I was unhappy because I was looking at other things to bring me happiness.
God doesn't disappoint. I don't understand why it is so hard for me to understand that! I am so stuck on finding fulfillment somewhere else, when the only One who can bring true fulfillment is standing right next to me and lives inside of me! How does this make any sense!? Why am I so dense!? I have learned and been reminded time and time again of His sufficiency and the satisfaction a life focused on Him brings! It is no longer about me and what I want, but it is about something greater. Life is now about what He desires, what His plans are, carrying out His purposes. When I surrender all I have to God, then I don't have to worry or feel empty, because he is in control, and I know I can trust he to do what is best because, I mean, come on! He's God! Of course He's gonna do what's best!
It sounds so good, and it really is, but it is SO hard to live by! Surrender every part of my life? Even that little thing I find enjoyment in? I know that it may not be the best for me, but i like it! Do i really have to give it up for God?
I wish things were easier. Sometimes I wish that God would just take away the bad stuff in my life, whether I want Him to or not, but that's not what He wants from us. God very much could take away it all, but he asks us to give it up. It's our choice. How much more does it mean if we give it up than if He takes it from us? It is a daily struggle for me to surrender my life to Christ. I must die to my self daily so that I can live for Him, but the life which I find that I am leading when I do live for Him is a much more abundant and fulfilled life than the one I would be leading if I still lived for myself.
So, I may never find "Mr. Right." I may never have that crazy story with a romantic ending. But what I have found is much greater: I've found God! He is my excedingly great reward.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
First off, let me start by saying, "Happy Mother's Day!" I am 100% sure that I have the best mom in the world, and it doesn't take long away from her at school to realize how much I take for granted all that she does! On that note, let's jump into what I want to say. Because it's Mother's Day, our pastor took a break from the sermon series we've been going through, and spoke on four attributes of a godly woman. Though the things he spoke of are not new points to me, it reminded me of how important it is for us women to be the ladies God has called us to be. Being at college there's a lot of boy drama (none of which I am personally involved in, may I just say). There are so many people-girls and boys alike- that are so intent on finding "the one" before they graduate, that it becomes a major priority. (May I just say that this is really scary to be around. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard a guy say to a girl, "God has given me these feelings for you, and I know He is telling me we're supposed to be together.") I think that it is really easy to get so caught up in trying to find someone to be with that we don't think about becoming someone worth finding. This is something that really bothered me. I began to think about what it is a woman worth finding should be like, and I looked at what the Bible had to say about it. This is what I found:
Proverbs 31:10- “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.”
The words, “virtuous wife” literally mean “a wife of valor.” This extends to all forms of excellence and strength in all areas of life. It says that a woman with such excellence is worth far more than rubies. She is someone worth finding. However, the fact that the first statement is a question, “Who can find” means that a woman of this excellence is not common. She is a rare gem. So, how do we become such sought after women? Well, the rest of this passage gives a long list of specific duties and such of a virtuous wife, but I think that 1 Peter 3 hits the core of what it takes.
1 Peter 3:1-4- “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, (2)when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. (3)Do not let your adornment be merely outward- arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel- (4)rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.”
This passage is speaking specifically to Christian women married to non-Christian men, but still describes the conduct of a virtuous wife. “The one” should have “chaste conduct,” meaning she should be pure, spotless and free from all impurity. This speaks of sexual purity, but it goes much deeper than that. This purity of character should be accompanied, it says, “by fear.” This fear, or reverence and respect should be observable in three different types of relationships: first, in her relationship with God. A man should be able to see the great awe and reverence she has for God. Secondly, her husband should be able to observe the great respect she shows toward him as her husband. (The women Peter is speaking to in this passage are married, but I think we can take this and apply it to how we treat any of our guy friends, yes?) Thirdly, a man should be able to see the respect she shows to others in all other outside relationships. Her purity of character should be rooted in all relationships she has and in everything she does. In fact, the word “observe” here means narrowly looking into, meaning that it is something deeply integrated in her character. A man should be able to see such purity of character in a ruby-of-a-woman as he watches how she conducts her relationships. Verse three speaks of outward adornment. Adornment is not in itself bad. God has adorned the earth with so many beauties. However, a woman of God should not allow herself to be consumed in gaining attention or praise for outward beauty. Rather, says verse four, she should devote herself to the development of her character and inner beauty. Unlike the things used to decorate herself outward, inner beauty doesn’t rust or decay, This inner beauty is “incorruptible.” It is “gentle,” which, according to the dictionary, means “kindly, amiable; not severe, rough, or violent, mild,” and quiet in spirit. One commentary I read said that gentleness or meekness keeps her from provoking others, while quietness keeps her from being provoked. I find it interesting that the things listed in verse 3 are seen as precious and valuable to the world, but this inner beauty is precious in God’s sight.
Proverbs 31:30- “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.”
Again, beauty and charm are not at all bad things. God created beauty. However, they are not of eternal significance. Charm can be deceitful. Have you ever met someone who seemed very charming when you first met them, but once you get to know them better, you find that they are not the people you thought they were? Charm is what attracts people on the outside, but it does not necessarily mean that is what is in the heart. Beauty, too, can be deceitful, and we know from the passage in 1 Peter that beauty on this earth will not last forever. A woman of God, a woman worth being, a woman worth finding, does not place her primary concern on how people perceive her. She is a woman who fears the Lord and pours her devotion not into things of this world, but into knowing God. She is the one graced with eternal beauty and will be praised for it. This is the woman we should all strive to be. This is a woman worth being chased and worth being found.
Proverbs 31:10- “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.”
The words, “virtuous wife” literally mean “a wife of valor.” This extends to all forms of excellence and strength in all areas of life. It says that a woman with such excellence is worth far more than rubies. She is someone worth finding. However, the fact that the first statement is a question, “Who can find” means that a woman of this excellence is not common. She is a rare gem. So, how do we become such sought after women? Well, the rest of this passage gives a long list of specific duties and such of a virtuous wife, but I think that 1 Peter 3 hits the core of what it takes.
1 Peter 3:1-4- “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, (2)when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. (3)Do not let your adornment be merely outward- arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel- (4)rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.”
This passage is speaking specifically to Christian women married to non-Christian men, but still describes the conduct of a virtuous wife. “The one” should have “chaste conduct,” meaning she should be pure, spotless and free from all impurity. This speaks of sexual purity, but it goes much deeper than that. This purity of character should be accompanied, it says, “by fear.” This fear, or reverence and respect should be observable in three different types of relationships: first, in her relationship with God. A man should be able to see the great awe and reverence she has for God. Secondly, her husband should be able to observe the great respect she shows toward him as her husband. (The women Peter is speaking to in this passage are married, but I think we can take this and apply it to how we treat any of our guy friends, yes?) Thirdly, a man should be able to see the respect she shows to others in all other outside relationships. Her purity of character should be rooted in all relationships she has and in everything she does. In fact, the word “observe” here means narrowly looking into, meaning that it is something deeply integrated in her character. A man should be able to see such purity of character in a ruby-of-a-woman as he watches how she conducts her relationships. Verse three speaks of outward adornment. Adornment is not in itself bad. God has adorned the earth with so many beauties. However, a woman of God should not allow herself to be consumed in gaining attention or praise for outward beauty. Rather, says verse four, she should devote herself to the development of her character and inner beauty. Unlike the things used to decorate herself outward, inner beauty doesn’t rust or decay, This inner beauty is “incorruptible.” It is “gentle,” which, according to the dictionary, means “kindly, amiable; not severe, rough, or violent, mild,” and quiet in spirit. One commentary I read said that gentleness or meekness keeps her from provoking others, while quietness keeps her from being provoked. I find it interesting that the things listed in verse 3 are seen as precious and valuable to the world, but this inner beauty is precious in God’s sight.
Proverbs 31:30- “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.”
Again, beauty and charm are not at all bad things. God created beauty. However, they are not of eternal significance. Charm can be deceitful. Have you ever met someone who seemed very charming when you first met them, but once you get to know them better, you find that they are not the people you thought they were? Charm is what attracts people on the outside, but it does not necessarily mean that is what is in the heart. Beauty, too, can be deceitful, and we know from the passage in 1 Peter that beauty on this earth will not last forever. A woman of God, a woman worth being, a woman worth finding, does not place her primary concern on how people perceive her. She is a woman who fears the Lord and pours her devotion not into things of this world, but into knowing God. She is the one graced with eternal beauty and will be praised for it. This is the woman we should all strive to be. This is a woman worth being chased and worth being found.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Today was my first whole day back home from a very long second semester of school. Right now it is almost 1:00 in the morning, and although that would normally seem like a normal bedtime at school, right now I am wooped! Unfortunately, while at school, my brother took over my room and is currently playing video games, preventing me from any rest. So, until he decides he is tired, I am sitting in my living room watching my other brother and his friend... play video games. (We're a very active family.) 1:00 in the morning is probably not a fantastic time to write a blog entry (you never know what will come out of your mouth... er... fingers?... but right now I can't think of anything better to fill my time with. Unfortunately, I have absolutely no idea what to write! I know! It's terrible, but it's true! So, I thought that perhaps I would share something that I wrote up last semester about what God taught me. I found it in my journal the other day, and thought perhaps it would be appropriate to share:
What God Has Been Teaching Me
God is holy!
You are the everlasting God! You are the first and the last! You are holy! Your name is above all names! At the sound of Your name, mountains crumble! At Your name, demons run and hide! Your power is far beyond all powers! Who am I to come before You!? Who am I to come into Your presence!? I am a sinner, fallen short of Your glory! My whole entire being is filthy before your holiness. I am so unworthy to come before You. In Your presence, I fall on my face in humility, and I do not know what to say.
Relationship with a holy God:
God, I am so apathetic. You are holy and the only One deserving of anything. Though You are worth so much more than all I have, it is all I have to give You. And even though You should have all of me (and even desire it, which is a thought beyond my comprehension), I do not give it. If my life belongs to You, and I have claimed to give it to You, then why am I so unwilling? If I have said that You are as holy as I KNOW You are, then why do I still live for myself? God, forgive me,and change my heart. My efforts are worth nothing. It is only through Your power that I can be changed.
Changing my heart:
The reason I fail to continuously recognize Your holiness is that I fail to continuously recognize You!
I am free to live!
God, You ARE holy, and I AM unworthy, but You have loved me enough to take me as I am, and call me righteous. You have not just forgiven my sin, but You have totally erased it! I have been redeemed through the blood of Your Son. Once, the law burdened me, but I no longer live under law, but under grace through the Spirit! I am free to live in You! May I not use the liberty You have given me to live in the flesh, but may I live my life to the fullest purpose that You have called me to!
God's perfect plan:
It amazes me how You bring certain situations together to give Yourself glory! even when we mess up, You still use what we have and what we've done to benefit Your kingdom. When I think of all of the billions and trillions of people in the world, and the many from the past and the many, if by Your will, to come in the future, it blows my mind to think that You have and do and will use all of their's and our situations together to bring Yourself glory! I cannot fathom how anyone could orchestrate that! Then I remember that no power is beyond You, and though I cannot comprehend, I know that You can, and do, work all things together for Your purpose, and it amazes me!
God's perfect plan for me:
God, You have given me such a passion for helping people, and such a heart for those in China. God, those people need You! They are living with no hope and no purpose in life, but to succeed for their country. They need to know of the higher purpose You desire for them. God, when I think of the people of the world, and how they are living in death in bondage of their sin, it makes me sick! (Though not sick enough to witness to them like I should.) I know this passion in my heart to serve China was put there by You! God, I cannot understand why You would give me such a passion and not allow me to go because of finances. It breaks my heart! But God, I know You are sovereign, and Your plan is better than my own, so I trust You. I know that You have called me to a purpose no matter where I am. God, I pray that You would open up opportunity for me to do whatever You will this summer. God, I know wherever You put me, I am called to be Your witness and Your light. Thank You, God, for giving me a plan and a purpose!
What God Has Been Teaching Me
God is holy!
You are the everlasting God! You are the first and the last! You are holy! Your name is above all names! At the sound of Your name, mountains crumble! At Your name, demons run and hide! Your power is far beyond all powers! Who am I to come before You!? Who am I to come into Your presence!? I am a sinner, fallen short of Your glory! My whole entire being is filthy before your holiness. I am so unworthy to come before You. In Your presence, I fall on my face in humility, and I do not know what to say.
Relationship with a holy God:
God, I am so apathetic. You are holy and the only One deserving of anything. Though You are worth so much more than all I have, it is all I have to give You. And even though You should have all of me (and even desire it, which is a thought beyond my comprehension), I do not give it. If my life belongs to You, and I have claimed to give it to You, then why am I so unwilling? If I have said that You are as holy as I KNOW You are, then why do I still live for myself? God, forgive me,and change my heart. My efforts are worth nothing. It is only through Your power that I can be changed.
Changing my heart:
The reason I fail to continuously recognize Your holiness is that I fail to continuously recognize You!
I am free to live!
God, You ARE holy, and I AM unworthy, but You have loved me enough to take me as I am, and call me righteous. You have not just forgiven my sin, but You have totally erased it! I have been redeemed through the blood of Your Son. Once, the law burdened me, but I no longer live under law, but under grace through the Spirit! I am free to live in You! May I not use the liberty You have given me to live in the flesh, but may I live my life to the fullest purpose that You have called me to!
God's perfect plan:
It amazes me how You bring certain situations together to give Yourself glory! even when we mess up, You still use what we have and what we've done to benefit Your kingdom. When I think of all of the billions and trillions of people in the world, and the many from the past and the many, if by Your will, to come in the future, it blows my mind to think that You have and do and will use all of their's and our situations together to bring Yourself glory! I cannot fathom how anyone could orchestrate that! Then I remember that no power is beyond You, and though I cannot comprehend, I know that You can, and do, work all things together for Your purpose, and it amazes me!
God's perfect plan for me:
God, You have given me such a passion for helping people, and such a heart for those in China. God, those people need You! They are living with no hope and no purpose in life, but to succeed for their country. They need to know of the higher purpose You desire for them. God, when I think of the people of the world, and how they are living in death in bondage of their sin, it makes me sick! (Though not sick enough to witness to them like I should.) I know this passion in my heart to serve China was put there by You! God, I cannot understand why You would give me such a passion and not allow me to go because of finances. It breaks my heart! But God, I know You are sovereign, and Your plan is better than my own, so I trust You. I know that You have called me to a purpose no matter where I am. God, I pray that You would open up opportunity for me to do whatever You will this summer. God, I know wherever You put me, I am called to be Your witness and Your light. Thank You, God, for giving me a plan and a purpose!
Monday, May 4, 2009
So, I realized after writing my first post that I never really explained the title "Searching Him" which is kind of lame since I spent awhile coming up with it. (Haha! Some of you are probably thinking "Wow. Really? It took you awhile to come up with THAT!?" Yeah. It did.) According to good ole' Webster, to "search" means "to look into or over carefully or thoroughly in an effort to find or discover something." I came to a saving relationship with God when I was very young. You would think that after so many years, I would know almost everything about Him, but that couldn't be further from the truth. As I have grown in my relationship with God, I've realized that the more I learn, the less I know. God's character is so deep and vast that I have not even come close to knowing all of Him. Still, I have thoroughly enjoyed learning all I can. It is my passion to search to know Him better than I already do. So, in an effort to do that, I will continue to write what He is revealing to me about who He is and who I need to be. I realize that I am still learning. I am not always right. I will sometimes get it wrong, but as I continue to search after Him, He will reveal Himself to me and I will know more of Him. That's what this page is all about.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Ok, so here's the deal (or the "dealio" as my brother would say): this is totally new for me. Though this may sound incredibly cheesy, this is scary for me to be blogging for others to possibly read! These are my inner thoughts and feelings I'm laying out for people to read! That's scary! What if I say something totally wrong and foolish? That's scary, too! But, here I am, writing my first blog post. Here I go.
I figured I'd start out by stating the purpose of this blog, and perhaps by the time I'm done I'll know. :) I love writing. Though I'm not very good at it, I've found it to be a great way to sort through what I'm thinking. It's almost like talking to yourself, only people don't think you're crazy when you do it! I'm not a doctor or a psychologist or anything like that, but if I could draw you a picture of my thought process and what goes on in my brain, it would look something like this:
(I know, I know. I should be an artist.) Seriously, I cannot keep up with all of th thoughts that go through my brain in just one second! So, I find it very useful sometimes to write out what I'm thinking. It helps me process information and it helps me focus on what I think. So I enjoy writing. I don't do it as often as I should, but when I do write, I write a lot (as you can probably already tell). I have a number of things I've written or typed up that I wish I could share with other people, and I thought the most appropriate place to do that would be in a blog. So here I am, writing my first blog entry on absolutely nothing. I hope that I can use this to sort through everything going on in my brain and to encourage others in the process. :)
I figured I'd start out by stating the purpose of this blog, and perhaps by the time I'm done I'll know. :) I love writing. Though I'm not very good at it, I've found it to be a great way to sort through what I'm thinking. It's almost like talking to yourself, only people don't think you're crazy when you do it! I'm not a doctor or a psychologist or anything like that, but if I could draw you a picture of my thought process and what goes on in my brain, it would look something like this:
(I know, I know. I should be an artist.) Seriously, I cannot keep up with all of th thoughts that go through my brain in just one second! So, I find it very useful sometimes to write out what I'm thinking. It helps me process information and it helps me focus on what I think. So I enjoy writing. I don't do it as often as I should, but when I do write, I write a lot (as you can probably already tell). I have a number of things I've written or typed up that I wish I could share with other people, and I thought the most appropriate place to do that would be in a blog. So here I am, writing my first blog entry on absolutely nothing. I hope that I can use this to sort through everything going on in my brain and to encourage others in the process. :)
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